Moving . . . Where?

I know I should be exhilarated

To be moving house

Heading toward salvation

Or at least that’s what they tell me

For a brief spell I was homeless

And I felt like dying in a ditch

Alone and forgotten

Instead bothering friends and family

Asking to stay at their place

Plodding on, not knowing why

Defeated but still alive

And making their lives just a little harder

With my continued, breathing presence

Cursing myself all the while

Then, against all odds

I found an apartment

Cheap, decent: fine

And it came at just the right time

I know I should have been exhilarated

Two days of packing: ugh

Why do I own all this shit?

Then the night before moving

The reality of it gets closer

And so does the air

“How lucky you are,” they say

“You see, it will be just fine”

But I can’t breathe

And the assurances seem to mean nothing

All I can think of is the myriad of problems

I will find upon moving there

And my inability to pay any kind of bill

And I wonder how they can all be

So damn positive

And I resent and envy them

I think of all the stuff I have

And I wish it would all just vanish

By some kind of divine intervention

So I would be freed of it

But to toss it all away

That would be the same as

Ending it all

Right then and there

I think of all the stuff I have to move

Taking all day, sucking at my strength

Sapping much more than anyone can know

To them it’s just another day

I know I should be exhilarated

So many people offered to help me

Why, to me, a mystery

And I continue to complicate their lives

And I continue to require favours

And they will not abandon me

And just let me die

I just wish they would all suddenly decide

That I was scum, trash, nothing

And they would forget I existed

And in that pain of loss

I would find the strength

To finally end it all

Right then and there

I know I should be exhilarated

Finally having a place to call my own again

To find the peace

I am always whining about

But the thought alone of all the effort

I have to put in, just to live there

Just to survive on my own again

Me, crazy, suicidal, lost,

Nauseates me, drives me crazy

And I know I won’t be able to do it

I won’t be able to earn enough

Of this godforsaken thing called money

To pay every damn bill

And leave cash for food and beer

I know I should be exhilarated

But I just want to lie down

Among the moving boxes

They all keep telling me I should be exhilarated

And I want to, I yearn for this feeling

But I am screwed up, not human

And I just want to lie down

Curl up

Give up

And die