Wisdom

Wisdom is like a tattoo. Acquiring it can be painful, and if you don't like what you see, you're stuck with it anyway.

Hygiene

Most men can only be taught basic hygiene by women on whom they are dependent for sex. Or, sometimes, not even then. (Though this says as much about the woman as it does about the man.)

Manipulation

I think the best thing that could happen to us as a species is to get a natural predator. Survival would become an issue again, eliminating much of mankind's petty behaviour. Especially in the Western world we are so confident in our superiority that we feel nigh invincible. Without a natural predator, the only ones we can fight is each other. And we have to do it - we have to fight. In that we are not any different from any other creature.


But do you know what does set us apart? It is our ability to willingly manipulate other creatures - especially our own kind - and our fondness for it. Note that this does not make us any better than other creatures; indeed, it makes us worse. Often it is not survival that drives us to manipulate - it is greed.

Trust II

Trust is one of the most precious commodities in the universe. Consider for a moment what this tells us about people's trustworthiness.

Horrors

"The worst horrors are the human ones."

-- Michael Crichton

Nothing can hurt you like a human can. 

Disappointment

One can handle only so much disappointment from another. At some point, the well of forgiveness will have run dry.

Doing it wrong

Simply doing nothing wrong is never enough.

Insecurity

Self-assurance is an illusion. There are only degrees of insecurity.

Feeling alive

Only when I feel like
I could die at any moment
Do I truly feel alive

Mankind's True Nature

I have seen the true nature of man
And I do not want to face it again

I cannot take any longer
The fake smiles and hidden venom
The blatant disregard for the welfare of others
The mindless pursuit of individualistic goals
The scheming and talking behind others' backs
The hidden agendas and conceiled opinions
The self-serving, double-crossing mindset
The cowardice facilitated by modern communication
And the need to participate in much of this madness to survive

For people are wolves
Working together when it suits them
But turning on each other
When they smell weakness

Impossible

Flesh without sin
Love without hate
World without end
Beauty without flaws
Cynicism without truth
Reward without a catch
Vengeance without justice
Forgiveness without defeat
Friendship without betrayal
Promises without emptiness
Assistance without selfishness
Superiority without haughtiness
Happiness without downfall
Future without destruction
Optimism without naïvité
Discovery without shock
Reflection without regret
Death without salvation
Profanity without relief
Holiday without stress
Romance without lust
Life without illusion
Good without evil

Forever running

There are so many ways to communicate now that are not face to face. So many ways not to face your fears. It has made us weaker people.

Drinking

"Drinking is an emotional thing. It joggles you out of the standardism of everyday life, out of everything being the same. It yanks you out of your body and your mind and throws you against the wall. I have the feeling that drinking is a form of suicide where you're allowed to return to life and begin all over the next day. It's like killing yourself, and then you're reborn." 

                                                                                       -- Charles Bukowski

"That's the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen."

                                                                                       -- Charles Bukowski

Convenience

Love is a form of prejudice. You love what you need, you love what makes you feel good, you love what is convenient.
                                                                                   -- Charles Bukowski

And when loving someone ceases to be convenient, discard that person.

Right?...

Find the well

1. The Entering (Myrding Prologue)

Everything lies in silence
Taking the final steps
Entering life
A life of mysteries never to be seen
Struggling for survival
Then the silence is back
Leaving the flesh
Why is my world created this way?
Empty existence
I wish the void no more


2. Myrding

My weak cry sounding deep down from below
A sound of another world, so fragile
I'm telling a story of a destiny
So devastating, my soul can not rest
Murdered by the womb in cold blood
Shame forcing the mind and the will
A crime above all crimes
Never baptized, nor nursed

My vengeance will strike hard
All sinners must pay the price
Blood of their own blood
Mother descending down to hell

Please give me a name
Please give me my peace
Bury my body
Deep down in the dark soil to rest

Unwanted, left alone
Starving, rotting, screaming
Until the silence comes
Leaving the flesh
Where's the drink of life
Help me to find the well
Blood from the core
Lifeblood turns to death

Please give me a name
Please give me my peace
Bury my body
Deep down in the dark soil to rest

Say my name
Please save my soul
Bury me
In the dark soil to rest

The Entering (Myrding Prologue) and Myrding, by Ereb Altor, Epic Dark Viking Doom Metal

Why?

It is such a simple question, yet seemingly the most difficult one of all to answer for most people: “Why?”

Maybe if people examined their motives more carefully, and took fewer decisions they know in their heart are utterly selfish, they wouldn't be so scared to admit the reasons for their actions. Except when a lack of introspection is the perpetrator, it is shame that governs the reluctance to answer. People know they do wrong, but they shrug and do so anyway. When confronted, they run and hide. But you can't run from your own shame. 

Miles apart

"No matter how close two people are, an infinite distance separates them."

"We only see two things in people: what we want to see, and what they show us."

-- Harry Morgan [Dexter]

Rude awakening

Had I been dreaming? How could I not have been, when faced with such a rude and sudden awakening? It seems almost like it never happened at all.

Devils in disguise

How well can you ever truly know a person? 'Knowing someone' is merely observing someone's behaviour for an extended period of time and expecting future behaviour to be similar. And the longer we have observed someone's behaviour, the better we think we know them - the better we think we do.
But people are unpredictable, even when they don't seem to be. Suddenly they can find themselves in a situation that warrants an action not previously observed by their fellow humans. Or in a situation that doesn't warrant one, but in which they will take unpredictable action anyway. Also, people make mistakes, occasionally resulting in unpredictable behaviour.
And people can also suddenly take decisions shockingly unexpected to those around them.

Knowing people is an illusion. I could suddenly decide to kiss a man passionately and everyone who knows me will claim they had never expected it, and that they must not know me as well as they thought they did. And what to think about those people who suddenly murder innocent people and then shoot themselves? Often the people in their immediate environment will claim never to have seen it coming.
My point is, people are capable of anything. And although they do not constantly do 'strange' things, unexpected things - rather, normally they act in a stable, fairly predictable manner - they can, completely out of the blue, take unpredictable actions. Sometimes they may even take themselves by surprise.

Something that is based on expected behaviour is trust. If you say you trust a friend, you mean that you, on the basis of your friend's earlier behaviour, expect him (or her) to be there for you when you need it. But there is never a guarantee, as people are whimsical, and ultimately selfish. This makes them much more unpredictable than is commonly assumed. And this causes these shockingly unexpected, sometimes treacherous actions.
Although I hope there are limits, and there still exists something called loyalty, there are hardly any people you can ever trust completely. If someone finds himself in a tight spot, or in any situation he finds it hard to deal with, he may suddenly take to his heels, and 'save' himself, even if that means leaving a friend in need  to his own devices.
Unfortunately I have experienced this time and again. Each time it was completely unexpected, and each betrayal left me hurt, and left deep scars.

So, if you can't ever really know someone, not even your partner, how can you really trust them? They could suddenly turn their back on you at the most inopportune moments...
In my view, expecting them not to do so is naïve. Accepting they will at some time probably leave you hanging would be realistic - but realism is not very much fun. As Robert Heinlein said, "A pessimist is right more often than an optimist, but an optimist has much more fun." Too bad I'm a pessimist and a realist...

Family man

A family man should not take risks that a bachelor finds acceptable.
-- Robert A. Heinlein

Life is a tasteless meal, and risks and danger are the seasoning of life.
-- Hak

Better not to become a family man then...

Like a Stranger

I may never embrace her again, he thought. It was hard to believe. For weeks he had lain with her every night and touched her as familiarly as he would touch himself. And now, suddenly, it was forbidden. And she was like a stranger.

She turned away without another word. Tom knew she would not change her mind now. She never vacillated. She was a person who made a decision and then carried it through.

She is going to miss me as much as I will miss her, he thought. After a while, when her anger has died down, and she has settled into a new routine, she will hanker for someone to talk to, a hard body to touch, a bearded face to kiss. Then she'll think of me. But she was proud. She might be too proud even to come back if she wanted to.

He sprang out of his chair. He had to tell her what was on his mind. "Will you come back one day, just to see us? If I know you're not going away forever, that I will see you again sometime, if only for a little while... if I know that, then I can bear it."

She hesitated. Reluctantly he let her go.

-- From "The Pillars of the Earth" by Ken Follett

Bury it deeply

"Everyone hides who they are at least some of the time. Sometimes you bury that part of you so deeply you have to be reminded it’s there at all. And sometimes you just want to forget who you are altogether."

                                                                                              -- Dexter Morgan

Epitome of spoiled Western civilisation

You're what? A vegetarian? Try to explain that concept to a starving African child.

In the glorious history of mankind, we have moved from simple survival to....vegetarianism?

A fragile stability

A fragile stability is suddenly shattered
And the world is plunged into darkness
Cold, oppressive, menacing, frightening

A few lonely stars grant me some vision
But will those few be enough for me
To again find a candle to light my way?

The only game you have

Life is like playing a really bad game: the balance is all wrong, the challenge is in overcoming annoying obstacles, the NPCs are uncaring assholes, the quests are dull and repetitive, there are annoying sounds everywhere, your health does not regenerate, your party members leave your party continuously (despite your efforts to keep them around), you cannot kill your enemies, the romances are poorly scripted, it is more frustrating than fun, not very rewarding, and you cannot save or load, but it is the only game you have. 

Break-ups

Break-ups are always nasty. Those where it is decided in consultation to split up are least so. In all other situations there is a ‘victim’. He or she will either have seen it coming, or not. In all cases, it is difficult, especially for the victim. To quote Michael Crichton: “All major changes are like death. You can’t see to the other side until you are there.” And the end of a relationship (the longer the relationship, the greater the impact) is one of the greatest changes you can experience in your life.

For some, the change, and the sadness associated with it, can feel like dying. The world is suddenly turned upside down, and the future seems uncertain, and perhaps (very) frightening. Indeed, an entirely new future will have to be created. To quote Michael Crichton again: “Life is a series of encounters in which one event may change those that follow in a wholly unpredictable, even devastating way.” A break-up is such a significant event that it can push your life in an entirely different direction.

This new direction may not vary all that much from your previous one, for instance when your convictions and plans for the future are solid and you find a new partner with similar goals to carry them out with. More likely, however, a lot will change, as partners adapt to each other’s wishes, and bring numerous new people into the other’s life, bringing about great internal and external change. Also it is possible you will find a partner very different from the previous one, perhaps even a kind of person you never imagined yourself with, pushing your life into a different direction.

In all cases, the changes are unpredictable. You won’t know, probably won’t have a clue how your life will be changed. For instance, you may not find a suitable new partner for years, and pursue other goals instead (as not having a partner frees up a lot of time), achieving things you would otherwise not have accomplished. Or you may find a partner abroad, eventually causing you to emigrate. But even smaller changes cannot be foreseen.

So seeing to ‘the other side’ is impossible, and in that sense it is like death. But since you are still alive, it can also be seen as a rebirth. You are ‘free’, and can make new choices, which will lead to new paths, and will open up new possibilities. This freedom can give some people new energy, a sense that anything is possible. 
For others, however, this ‘freedom’ is not something to be jubilant about, but rather something that signifies the loss of stability in life; however positive an attitude you may have after a break-up, your stability will be gone, at least for a little while.

This loss of stability has many consequences. It is possible that routine pursuits suddenly fail to hold your attention, seem insignificant. Suddenly there are more important things to deal with, important decisions to make. Hobbies are set aside for the time being, it may be difficult to focus on work, and friendships or other relationships with people in your social circles may become more important, or less so. This is especially true if you shared friends with your ex-partner. They may be loyal to one of the two, and cease to be your friends. Or they may be loyal to both, and unintentionally create tension for a time to come. But the stability of such friendships is undermined in any event. 

In many cases, the just-ex-partners themselves will express the wish to remain friends. In almost none, they will succeed. There is a certain naïveté associated with this. Even through the (probably) intense grief, they will still have feelings for the other (except maybe when the break-up was caused by adultery or some other significant betrayal), and friendship is ‘merely’ one step back from the relationship they had. It somehow is more logical to step back to that level (especially if they were friends before they became lovers) than to lower oneself to being no more than acquaintances, or not even talking to each other anymore. Moreover, often they can’t yet imagine not being in each other’s lives, it having been the most normal thing in the world for years.

So the wish for friendship is often expressed, but after a little while of being apart, one, or both, will realise how annoying he or she found this or that characteristic of the other, or how fed up they actually were with him or her, and so on. Most of the time it is quickly discovered that the problems of the other are no longer one’s own, and this can feel quite liberating. Moreover, the tolerance for the other’s mistakes or annoying habits, which was so self-evident before, will vanish very quickly. As such turbulent times are often fraught with problems, and one or neither of the two are willing to listen to the other’s issues, this will quickly drive a wedge between them. Anger will flare, disappointments are felt, and the wish for friendship will be gone with the wind.

It is a terrible shame it has to happen this way, but except for a fortunate few, friendship after a break-up is impossible. What for me is the most difficult to accept – which sickens me, really – is that a bond between two people, carefully developed over years of time, can be destroyed in a matter of days without the ‘victim’ doing anything terrible to warrant it. People are whimsical (and I say this with disgust), and this is not limited to trivial matters, but indeed extends to emotions such as love. They take decisions with far-reaching consequences for others so lightly that they don’t seem to care how serious they are, or, more, likely, they don’t care.

In the end, the loss of the wish for friendship after a break-up comes with a loss of trust and respect for the other. Any lingering feelings of love for the other are quickly extinguished by the loss of trust and respect, as love cannot exist without them. Ex-partners do not as readily forgive each other any grievances as when they were together, so all it takes is one selfish act, one remark taken the wrong way, one emotional e-mail, one pushy question… you name it. The planned friendship doesn’t stand a chance. 

Strength or selfishness?

Selfishness is often confused with strength. Protecting yourself is one thing; damaging others while doing so is quite another. 

On a whim

Words cannot describe how despicable I find it that people are capable of abandoning on a whim those they loved not moments before, for naught but selfish reasons.

Misplaced expected gratitude

You know what's annoying? When people claim to have done something for you (such as cleaning something) and they expect you to thank them, but they did such a terrible job of it that you have to do it again yourself anyway.

So you have to thank them for doing nothing, while never asking for anything.

Unfairness

I wonder if I will ever come to completely accept unfairness as a part of life. I am not naïve anymore, like I was as a kid. Bitter experience will teach you not to be. The fact is that life is not fair, and the principle of the survival of the fittest is always in effect. You must weather the unfairness and injustice of life, shrug it off and continue on, accepting it as inevitable. The weak will not be able to, and be worse off as a result. I know this. But it is still hard sometimes.

Even when expecting it, unfairness can be a hard blow when you work hard and seem to do everything in your power, spend all the energy you have. It can sap your will and crush your motivation to continue. Setbacks, especially when caused by people and when you don't deserve it, when you have done nothing wrong - on the contrary, when they should be thanking you for your efforts - can knock the wind out of you. And when you are assaulted by a succession of setbacks, making it seem like everything is going wrong, this can drain your energy. Even when expecting it, when you have accepted it as a part of life, unfairness can seem like a cruel, phantasm monster that cannot be slain, only ignored.

So I wonder if I can ever completely accept this injustice that will invariably continue to haunt me, like it affects everyone. The notion that it is impossible to banish it, since it is human nature that produces it and only the eradication of the human race would end it, does not sit well with me. It is at odds with my fondness for progress. The only solution is to accept it as a part of life. But don't tell me this when I'm in a rage over being screwed over by the thousandth dickwad.

Being forced to learn useless facts

I love learning things. In fact, there are few things I like more. Expanding my base of knowledge stands for progress, and progress is awesome.

I especially like learning by doing, i.e. gaining professional experience, and I enjoy looking things up that I need to translate a specific text. This is information I actually need to do my work, and therefore useful. But I also like learning stuff just because it interests me, without any immediate practical application, and this could be nearly anything, as I have a wide variety of interests. It could be about cheese.

What I HATE, however, despite my broad interest, is learning, even studying (thus spending even more time on it) things others decide is somehow important for me, while I strongly disagree. In some cases, it isn't AT ALL important for me to know. At the moment I need to study tiny little facts for an exam, like what a 'flutter on the turf' means. Apparently this is a small bet on a horse race. Or which museums are located in which Dutch cities. I'M STUDYING TRANSLATION! WHY DO I NEED TO KNOW THIS STUFF?! It is so ridiculous, my whole being seems to rebel against this knowledge gaining access to my brain.

Some things I need to study now, however, I would actually be interested in learning, if they hadn't been forced on me by a crappy organisation that seems to know nothing about the actual practice of translators. One such question: what types of British beer are there? (Ale, bitter, lager, stout, mild, cider and shandy.) Beer! Great! Tell me more! Normally this would be my reaction to being offered information about beer. But now, it is being forced on me for a reason I cannot grasp. Even if I ever got the opportunity to translate a text on British beers, I would look this up on Wikipedia, and I would be able to translate the text. Would take me only a couple of minutes, and only if I ever needed that particular knowledge. Now I need to study the most trivial little facts, even about beer, that I will most probably never need to know to do my job. And even if I ever did, I would have forgotten them already, and I would need to look them up anyway. So nothing is gained by me having to study this now, making it a complete and utter waste of time.

I seems quite obvious I cannot cope with people telling me what to do, with them deciding for me what is important, especially when they are not even close to hitting the mark. The people who decide what I must study for my exams are supposed to be translators who know what the actual work entails, and still they figure I need to stuff my head full of knowledge I will never use. It enrages me.

Something else I cannot handle is my precious time being wasted. The people imposing these tasks on me waste a lot of this time, and fill my head with facts that, once in my brain, cry out for release because they aren't wanted there. The old residents of my brain, like Genghis Khan, who is definitely wanted there because he is cool as shit and I want to know all about him, will kick their asses out as soon as they are through with the dreadful exam.

But if, about 90 days after the exam (it takes them that long to check 60 short questions), I am informed of my failure (because the useless facts were hard-pressed to climb the thorny wall I built to repel them, and not enough made it across the fiery moat behind it) the resit of the exam will be six months after that, which means Genghis and his horde will have destroyed or expelled every last remnant of uselessness at their leisure by that time, and I will have to study this ridiculousness all over again. And more time will be wasted.

If I manage to control my nearly irresistable impulses to throw my textbooks out the window and repress the involuntary jerking spasms while trying to get this info into my head, I might have a chance of being rid of this absurdity. Genghis would simply refuse and go chop the heads off of those responsible for his torment, but I guess such behaviour would be frowned upon in these times. Such a shame.

Attachments

At some (unhappy) point in my life, I lacked a sense of purpose. I felt I needed to have something in my life to provide this, and for some reason I then seriously considered having children to 'fill the gap' or void that I felt. I thought that maybe this would give me the purpose I was looking for and give me a reason to get up in the morning.

I cannot imagine that person was me! Ironically, I rediscovered my happiness in my freedom - by being free of (most) attachments, not by creating more of them. And I have never felt better. But how long can I keep this up? At some point most of my friends will be married or at least settled down, or even have children. Will I be this guy who will be alone at 40 (which is better than a 40-year-old virgin in any case! :))? Perhaps. I don't know if I would be sorry for this. Chances are I would still be unable to handle too many commitments, and still unwilling to give up my precious freedom. Time will have to tell.

People tend to make 'permanent' commitments to each other ("I love you 4 evah and evah!"), and I have done so as well. I just don't believe in it anymore. Nothing is permanent, and most everything that is not yet broken will be broken at some point. Especially relationships. And what's even worse is a 'broken' relationship with both members plodding along unhappily instead of searching for happiness elsewhere (and they can certainly find it!). It can be very difficult to break off a relationship you know you are not happy in, especially when you have children. For me that's just another reason not to have them. At least not for a long time.

No, I will stay away from anything too 'permanent' for years to come, I figure. When I was younger I never figured myself for someone who would ever have a fear of commitment, but that only shows how much people can change in only a few short years. Of course, this also means I may go through another radical change (or multiple) in my lifetime, so let me just conclude with: you never know what will happen, so just go with the flow.

Doing nothing

Well, 'doing nothing' doesn't actually exist except in death, does it? Even when just staring at a wall you're staring, breathing, blinking, thinking. Still, doing almost nothing is something like 'just sitting down and looking around', not really engaging in any activity. Doing this makes me agitated. Normally I ache to do something, as long as it isn't not sitting around and wasting precious minutes of days that are always way too short.

My ex used to try and get me to do nothing more often. Why, I'm not sure. Me, I've been trying to get people to do more, if anything. There are so many things to do, and there is so little time to do them in! Why just sit around looking out the window? I'm not saying just sitting and relaxing is wrong, but I am of the opinion that engaging in activities is generally more valuable than just sitting around watching people shopping, ducks mating, a random cooking show on TV or even a spider web near the ceiling you know you should clear away but don't, or lying in bed half the day being lazy.

For me there is a sole exception: weekends/holidays. After all, workdays are called work days for a reason, so I work my ass off for those five days every week, running around like a maniac (often literally), doing everything on a high pace. In weekends, I need to recharge my batteries, and especially when I'm not at home, with my PC available and winking at me, I can suddenly sit down not doing much of anything. How weird! It is like I'm a different person then. Sometimes I don't even recognise myself. But I can't do nothing for very long at a time, as the ache will still be there (reminding me I am still myself ;)), but is just slower to manifest.

Sometimes I long for just sitting around doing nothing despite my aversion against it. But in that fantasy I am on a mountain in Norway or some such place, contemplating the universe and my place in it, and just enjoying the beauty of nature in peace.
I will, however, have a notepad in my bag, to write down my thoughts. For I can't really just be sitting around staring at stuff, now can I? ;)

"To be idle is a short road to death and to be diligent is a way of life; 

foolish people are idle, wise people are diligent."

-- Buddha

Old age II

Eight months ago I wrote that old age terrifies me. Recently I have been thinking about (old) age again. I was thinking how you don't know how old you will get but can only expect at what age you die, and/or at what age you will become so sick or crippled that it will be almost the same as being dead. How do you adjust your life to match these expectations, and this uncertainty? Do you 'spread out' your wishes for life over the better part of 80 years, expecting to reach that age, or do you assume you will die tomorrow and live on the edge? Or something in between? Which leads to the concrete question of how best to live your life.

To me, living each day as if it is your last seems a bit excessive to say the least. Enjoying yourself as much as possible and not loafing about wasting your best years, on the other hand, seems like a good idea. I feel a strong need to do the things I want to do in life in the coming few years, before I possibly die in a freak accident or whatever. As I wrote before, I am afraid that my body will fail me when I am still fairly young. This may happen, I just don't know. I try to take the best possible care of my body in the time I have available for it (exercising, etc.) but still there is the uncertainty. I realised I am living like a man not expecting to live past thirty. Long-term commitments, especially kids, are out of the question. This spring and summer will be dominated by cool outings and activities. Et cetera... What else can I do?

"I am not afraid of death,
but the prospect of a dull life 
frightens me to death."

I can think of nothing worse than planning to do such and such around age X, or postponing activities time and again... and dying before you can do them. What a shame that would be! As illustrated above, the fear of no longer being able to do things that are on my 'wish list' has a huge influence on me. Without this fear I imagine I would be a very different person, perhaps settling down again and taking it easy - spending most of the summer on the balcony or in the garden with a stack of books and not really going anywhere. The idea alone frightens me.

Life is too fragile to be taken for granted, and too beautiful to waste just sitting around.

Who are you?

How would you answer this question? By saying your name? Certainly you would do so if a guy wants to check if you are on the guest list to a concert. Your name serves as no more than a means of identification, and by giving it, you are identifying yourself, perhaps so the other person knows he is talking to the person he meant to talk to, or to confirm it was you who ordered a table at a restaurant. Sometimes you will even need to show people a document confirming your alleged name. To prove that you are who you say you are. But who are you?

What if you were given a different name at birth? Would that have made you a different person? Seeing as you never had anything to do with the name you were given, and the ones giving it to you could not yet know who you are, it could not have made you a different person. In fact, a name is just a label. It is convenient. Just like giving the name 'apple' to that certain type of fruit, to be able to identify it. Pointing at a fruit bowl filled with a dozen types of fruit and asking for "that round piece of fruit" would not do. And similarly, "you there, with the black hair" would not do. So a name is a tool, and does not give any information about the core of you.

Most people asking you who you are, are not interested in the core of you, in what moves you. As soon as they know your name, they are no longer interested. And why should they, if their job is to let people into a concert building, for instance? But what if someone who really likes you is genuinely interested in what makes you you, and this someone obviously already knows your name? How would you then answer this question? 


Would you describe what you look like? This description would just be about your exterior, most of which you have never had much say over. You decide what clothes to wear, how long to grow your hair and how to style it, maybe add some make-up if you're one of the 3 Gs (girl, gay or goth) and take care of your body (or not) to make sure you are presentable and don't stink. If you stuff yourself full of McDonalds every day you will probably be fat. If you're anorexic you may be like a walking skeleton. But there is no escaping that same face, the same basic contours of your body, and there is only so much you can do to change your appearance. At the most, your appearance is a reflection of who you are, designed to give people a general idea of who you are without them having to ask you any questions. And indeed, by just looking at someone you can get a decent impression of him or her, and based on this impression you may decide to go and talk to that person, or to avoid him or her. But your appearance will never be more than a reflection of your true self, so a description of your exterior would not satisfy a person interested in what makes you you.


Would you give your profession? Would it do to give your job title, like "I'm a waste management and disposal technician" (meaning you are a refuse collector)? How much information would this give about who you are? Most likely you are just doing this particular job just because you need money, not because you like to secretly dive into piles of garbage bags when no one is looking. Okay, so say you are an artist. It is very likely you are not doing that job for the money at all. This would give someone more of a peek into the core of you. But is it who you are? In other words, if you changed jobs and became a fireman instead, would that change you? To what extent is your job part of you? A person genuinely interested in you will want to know more than just what you do for a living.


Would you say what your hobbies are? These are definitely things you don't do for money, so they represent your interests, and betray some of who you are. Now we're getting somewhere. Talking about your hobbies will give people an idea if you have any interests in common with them. If someone is wondering if you could be friends, having shared interests is a must. Your audience will be getting a clearer picture of who they are dealing with if you disclose your hobbies.

Would you talk about your lifestyle? It makes quite a difference if you're a loner who works at home and reads books the rest of the day, if you visit the pub and drink with friends each day after work, if you eat a home-cooked meal every day or usually eat frozen pizzas or eat out, if you like watching TV after work every night with your partner, or if you travel a lot and do odd jobs wherever you can do earn a living while roaming the world. Intertwined with your hobbies, this gives people an even clearer picture of what kind of person you are.


Would you share your policical views? Do you consider your 'being' left or right of center (i.e. having certain political preferences) to be something that gives crucial information about who you are? I'm sure some people must feel that way, especially in countries with a lot of political tension. Its relative importance for who you are can therefore vary.

Would you state your race or nationality? This is probably more important the prouder you are of it, and in certain countries, like multicultural ones, this could be more significant than in others. But is it who you are? What if you were born in a different country?

Would you state your 'chosen'* religion? I know religious types can first state they are a Christian or a Muslim before anything else, except maybe their name. So such people will probably consider this to be a very important part of who they are. Especially since it influences someone's lifestyle so, and possibly his or her hobbies. But what if you are a Christian (in this universe) who was born in a Muslim family instead, or vice versa? (Haha, religious people probably would not even be able to imagine this, so let's not go there.)

Or would you merely say you are John's wife, Emily's husband, or the colonel's son?

There are undoubtedly even more things you could say about yourself, as human beings are frighteningly complex, and it is very difficult to put into words what defines you (if you even know what does!). Suppose you were asked who you are and you tried to explain what makes you you, what would you say?

Just thinking about this makes you a richer person. Sharing your answer to the above question in the comments would also make my day :).


*This is in fact hardly ever chosen but imposed by the parents or even the government in certain countries.

Prioritising

This is so difficult when there are dozens of things each day you want to do. Besides the obvious, like working or studying, there are always chores that need to be done (but which are often postponed) and depending on how many hobbies you have, you always have other things you want to do. I, for one, have so many there is not one day I can do everything I want. To compensate I mostly run around like a maniac to save time, and I try to do every routine action as efficiently as possible for the same reason. I even zip up and buckle my belt as fast as I can to save two seconds. It's crazy.

Weekdays are different from weekend days, though. I seem to allow myself to relax then, falling into a completely different routine... of laziness. I do things at a leisurely pace and allow myself to spend the day doing fun stuff and resting. I am like a different person.
Sometimes I resolve to do some work or studying on a Saturday or something, but I shouldn't, because even the prospect of one hour's work makes my day a lot less enjoyable, constantly reminding myself I should go and do that thing after finishing the fun activity I am doing at the moment. And there is a reason I take it slow in weekends: I need to rest to keep up my frantic 'weekday pace'.

But enough about weekends. They are about having fun, that's clear enough. On weekdays, however, I want to have fun too. In fact, there are a number of things I just need to do on a weekday for it to count as a 'good' day in my book:
1) I need to be productive, meaning I either need to work and make money, or study - to finally finish my education and be rid of it.
2) I need to get a few hours of relaxation/recreation in.
3) I need to waste as little time as possible (when I need to wait for one minute for food to heat up, I do a leg exercise or something)

It will be obvious I won't feel very good if on any (week)day I relax too little (stress!), but if I don't get enough work done on a weekday I feel equally terrible. Being unproductive feels like being useless to me, even for a day. And I think being useful is one of the key features of existence. Contribute, or die.

I struggle with setting priorities each and every day, however. I could list dozens of things here that I want to do on a certain day, but I will spare you the dreary details. Regardless, I have to choose between these things every day, and this is especially hard when you have to disappoint people. And people seeking to make use of the time of another are disappointed every day, as people just have to make choices and will regularly choose to do something other than meet or speak with others, be it friends, colleagues or acquaintainces. There is just too little time.
Note that this does not mean someone does not have the time - someone just chooses to spend it differently. This is just the thing. When anyone cancels any appointment, or does not reply to an e-mail, it is because he or she chooses to do sometime else instead. This is why you can hold it against them in almost any case (except when there is an emergency). But should you? My solution is counting on people cancelling appointments, which will make the meetings all the better if they come through. If these people cancel, you were expecting it anyway. And if they cancel too often, screw them. Oops, I mean: deprioritise them ;). It's what they did to you, anyway.
If someone continuously deprioritises you, it can make you feel inconsequential, unworthy of someone's attention. If you work with these particular people, however (especially when they have a higher position than you do), you're pretty much fucked.

So every day is a struggle of setting priorities. I make a mental list of the things I really need to do, the things I really should do, and the things I really want to do, and try to make the most of it, to do as much I can in the 16 or so hours I am awake. It would certainly help if days lasted for 30 hours, though...

Working at home II

This blog entry described the numerous advantages of working at home. Unfortunately, there are down sides too. Although they are fewer in number, some are much more serious:

If I get only few job offers in a certain period (like in summer), I don't earn much money. If I get sick (or bust my knee..) and can't work, I don't earn one dime. If I go on holiday, I cannot work and will not earn one dime either. If I move house, I have to wait for the Internet to work (takes about a friggin' month) to be able to do any work whatsoever. If I run into (computer/Internet) problems, no one will fix them for me. And if I get sick for a long time, or break my fingers or something, I am totally fucked.

There are few moments I don't think about work: I never get home from work. If I get a quotation request late at night, I feel obligated to draw one up right away. Unless I am gone for the weekend, I never feel I am truly off work. Clients can call me at any time of day (though I don't always answer in evenings and weekends). I am at home by myself all day long, which can get lonely. I get distracted by personal e-mails and temptations (playing a game for a bit because I can, etc.) numerous times a day. Without a fair amount of discipline, I would hardly get any work done. I have no job security, as it completely depends on the jobs I get, so I never know when I will have how much money (which is quite handy when planning things). I never even know for sure when I will be able to go on holiday.

I have to take care of, and pay for advertising myself. I have to maintain client relations myself. I have to maintain and pay for my website myself. I have to do my own administration and pay my bookkeeper myself. I have to draw up every quotation and invoice myself. I have no colleagues so I have to do everything myself; I can rely on no one but myself. I have to pay for my hardware and software and numerous other things myself. I have to pay the heating and electrical bills myself. I even have to pay for the tea I drink myself instead of getting it from a machine for free.

I'm not even building up any pension (now). So if I get old, I'd better just forget to open my parachute!

Still, I don't know if I could work for a boss... It is like I am addicted to the freedom associated with being self-employed. But I guess there are worse addictions :).

Working at home

When I am having a wonderful dream and my alarm goes off, I can snooze my way back into the dream without fear of (serious) consequences. This is only one of the awesome elements of working at home. But this is not all.

I don't have to rush in the morning at ass o'clock to get to work in time. I don't have to drive through rush-hour traffic, eyes drooping with sleep. I don't have to eat bland peanut butter sandwiches - prepared hours before - on set times, and force them down my throat in 15 minutes to get back to work as soon as my short-as-a-leprechaun's-dick break is up. I don't have to rush to empty my bowels in 3 minutes in the morning to get to work in time. I don't have to go through a lot of trouble finding a time that suits me when making appointments with doctors, etc. I don't have to force breakfast down my throat at a time I can hardly eat anything yet. I don't have to get up extra early to get my friggin' back exercises done (at a time when I am hardly energetic) before going to work. I don't even have to do anything on a certain day, if I choose not to.

I can go jogging in the warm afternoon sun instead of after dinner, when in fact all I would want to do is relax from a hard day's work instead of running my ass off. I can get groceries at times supermarkets and bakeries still have fresh food and the shelves are full. I can reply to private e-mails all day long. During a meal I can watch part of a DVD or (youtube) videos, or read something interesting on the Internet. I can work like I am being chased by the devil for two hours and complete a four-hour task in that time, followed by a two-hour gaming session, if I choose to. I can listen to my favourite music all day long - and by that I mean all day long. I can work in my boxers with a big fan on me in summer. I can even work in my striped pyjamas while stinking but not feeling like taking a shower just yet, if I choose to.

No one tells me which jobs to take. No one has me translate dull legal documents. No one is looking over my shoulder all the time, pointing out my mistakes. No one but me decides what I do and when I do it. No one tells me I am working too slow, or too fast*. No one bothers me with inane questions, distracting me from my work. No one even knows what exactly it is I'm doing.

If I don't want to, I don't have to go to bed and try hard to fall asleep at a set time. If I oversleep and don't have time for my exercises before going to work I don't have to sit at work all day with back pains destroying my concentration and ruining my entire day. If I need a break I can at any given moment put my work on hold for fifteen minutes and play a game, take a walk or e-mail a friend. If I feel like crap and I can't concentrate, I can take half a day off to spend watching DVDs in bed (in winter) or in nature in the sun reading a book (in summer), catching up with work in the evening. If I want to get away from it all, I can even go on holiday for a week almost at any given moment if I choose to.

There are down sides too, but just for now, I like to think only of the advantages :). Yes, I can even kid myself into thinking this is a dream job, and it is all good, if I choose to.


*Someone recently told me of being fired for working too fast! What is this world coming to?!

Dependence and vulnerability

For years I felt limited, unable to do all the things I wanted, unable to be the person I wanted to be. I don't know why I thought at the time that the relationship I was limited by offered more good stuff than bad, but at least I saw the light at some point.

Ever since I have fiercely been safeguarding my independence. It has become my most valued possession, not to be taken away by anyone. Relationships I have been in over the past fifteen months have allowed me a great degree of independence (while being monogomous, of course), and I would not have it any other way. The moment I feel unable to do the things I want to do, the things that make me happy, and which make me who I am, that's the end of it. Fortunately there are girls who understand this. As it stands, I am very happy in my current relationship, and I've got the best of both worlds: a great girlfriend (who also values her independence), and independence and freedom at the same time.

Even so, one part of being in a happy relationship scares me: the more you love someone, the more difficult it is for you if you lose that person. And being afraid of losing someone makes you vulnerable. Of course, when you're young there is a far greater chance of losing a girlfriend (or boyfriend) because she breaks up with you than losing her because she dies of disease or gets killed in an accident, but it is losing your partner, nonetheless, possibly a great shock.
Last year, my aunt died of cancer. She had been married to my uncle for decades and the man was devastated by her death. Losing her sort of meant his world ended, I guess. I don't know for sure because I haven't even spoken to him since then. However, I hear he spends a lot of time alone and hardly wants to see any people now, so I think it a safe bet that he is truly devastated by the loss. The idea that my life would be 'ruined' by losing one person makes me extremely anxious. It means I would be incredibly vulnerable, and I don't want to be dependent on anyone.

This got me thinking: will I ever settle down with a woman, buy a house together and have kids and all that, or will I be too scared of my resulting vulnerability and dependence? Suppose I had two children and a wife: I would then have tripled the chances of becoming an emotional wreck if some drunken asswipe killed one of them with his car. I am not one to be guided by fear, as that normally takes away a lot of fun from your life, but being dependant on (the well-being of) one person is something that does scare me.
It is like I need to know for myself that I could do without my chosen partner if I had to, for whatever reason, as a means of self-protection or something. Sure, I am able to be in a loving relationship, but it is like I am always prepared for it to end, so I will not be devastated by it if it suddenly does, like my uncle was.
In other words: investing too much in one person out of all the billions of people in this world seems like too great a risk. Just like investing all your money in the stock of only one company is: if that one company suddenly goes bankrupt, you are done for.

Am I seriously comparing women to stocks here? That is not the image I was aiming for ;) but being a careful investor seems to have common ground with being a careful lover, nevertheless. Not too romantic, indeed, but perhaps it is better to aim wide, instead of focusing on this narrow corridor with closed door upon closed door mocking your chosen route in life, even though you may be walking on red carpet for a while?

Dying young

As I have mentioned several times before on this blog, my lifestyle has changed quite a bit since my relationship of almost seven years ended. More than a year has passed since then and in that time I have felt more and more that I have to follow my urges and do the things I crave, and not postpone them any longer than necessary (e.g. to save money, or to wait for good weather).

Most of the time I used to focus on what was best for the future, so I was usually thinking long term, not indulging as much as I would have liked. My ex constantly discouraged me of doing things that could have been risky. I think in part as a result of restraining myself and not undertaking the activities I would have liked to, I sometimes got depressed. In retrospect I am not very amazed by this, as not indulging yourself every once in a while will make your life as stale as a forgotten glass of coke.

So this summer I am going parachuting and sometime this week I am going to eat a monster load of eggs, just because I want to. Obviously, the latter isn't all that exciting or dangerous, whereas the former is a huge thrill and something that could kill me if something went terribly wrong. However, immediately after announcing to someone I was going to boil and eat lots of eggs I was warned that my gall bladder would not like that. And when telling someone I was going parachuting, I was told of something that was in the news about a parachute being sabotaged and a girl dying. Warnings, and more warnings. Much more rarely do people say "Oh cool, enjoy!" or "Wow, can I join you?"
This tells me that people have a tendency to think long term and not take too many risks or do things that could have adverse consequences in the short term. Sure, overindulging, like eating at McDonalds five days a week just because you like it so much, is not good for you. And taking immense risks like some thrill-seekers do, striving to climb the highest peaks and bungee jumping off towers, is extreme and is almost completely focused on the short term, as it provides a huge thrill but is dangerous and in some cases even illegal. But occasonally giving in to your cravings, be it risky or bad for your health, will make you feel alive.

Undertaking more risky activities got me thinking about death. In another blog I mentioned that I didn't want to die in bed, as coughing my emaciated, frail form to death and being pathetic doesn't appeal to me at all. Instead, I would want to die parachuting, "forgetting" to open my chute. But in this scenario I am old. What if I get cancer or something in a few years? Suppose doctors tell me I have only three months to live and I will perhaps even be too weak during those three months to do many exciting things in that time? In that case I want to be able to say to myself that I have done everything in my power to have lived my life to the full, even if it ends prematurely.
Therefore I am now living every year of my life as if it is my last. The summers especially will be as full of cool activities as possible, taking into account monetary restrictions and people's desire to come with me. In the relatively boring winters I will save up as much money as possible to get the excitement going in summers.

This lifestyle acts a comfort to me as well. I have never been particularly afraid to die, but I do realise that even if I grow to be eighty years old, I will not have done everything I would have liked in life, as I have too many interests, wishes and dreams. As such, dying young should be terrible, inevitably missing out on a lot of cool things. The thought of dying before I can write a masterpiece book, for instance, is not a pleasant one. But doing everything I can to live my life to the full, year in, year out, makes me unafraid to die. If my parachute doesn't open this summer... so be it.

Not trusting your own body

I'm not the greatest fan of my own body. For about a decade now, my back has been giving me (a lot of) problems, some days more than others. A few years ago, when the pain got so severe I could hardly function properly (not being able to sit or concentrate), I went to see a number of doctors, but their 'guesswork treatment' (as the causes for back pain are often very difficult to determine) only made things worse. And I mean this literally: some electric shock machine gave me a 'permanent electric twitch' (for lack of a better description) by my left shoulder blade, which comes and goes, but which has been there for over 2 years now; and some treatment which passed radio waves through my back muscles made the pain a lot worse. (And when I told the doctors they dismissed this and even refused to see me about it, so I switched hospitals.) The other attempted treatments 'just' failed, at least not providing side effects.

Finally I just gave up (after the electric shock thing failed) and set my mind to accepting my back pains as an inevitable and uncurable part of my life. At the time I had already been doing exercises to strengthen my back and make/keep it flexible - the only thing that has helped me get through the day, since painkillers don't work at all - so I just started each day by doing these exercises for half an hour and tried to accept my predicament. After a while I managed to accept this, and it didn't limit me that much, as I could still do almost anything, physically, including all kinds of sports, so it could have been worse.

However, a few months ago I incurred a severe knee injury playing football, and I needed an operation to even be able to stretch my leg. After that was done, I started rebuilding my leg muscles and all that, but now, two and a half months later, my knee is still giving me problems. It is supporting my weight again, and I can even run once more, which feels great after being as good as immobile for two months. However, turning (quickly) often sends a shooting pain up my leg, and I cannot trust it to support me when jumping off a ledge or something, or making any 'uncommon' movements for that matter. This makes me feel like a grandpa who has to be careful doing all kinds of stuff in order not to hurt himself, instead of like a 25-year-old guy in his prime.
I love action: I delight in running and climbing onto and jumping off of things, and I'm going to go parachuting this summer, regardless of my knee. Therefore not being as mobile or flexible as I used to be is a nightmare for me. I think that if my knee doesn't get a lot stronger in the coming months, I will even call this injury the worst thing that ever happened to me, as becoming 'crippled' or physically limited is truly my nightmare.

In addition to my back and knee problems, there are some other physical unpleasantries, most likely related to my back problems. In short, however undiagnosed, it is probably a mild form of hypermobility syndrome, allowing joints to stretch farther than normal and such. Example: when doing archery, when I pull back the string to its full extent, my shoulder gives me some problems, like it is almost unable to handle the pressure on it. Things like that. A current concern is my neck, which seems to crack more severely by the day (and when I twist it, it sounds like there is sand in it). I wonder if I should stop headbanging at concerts. I thought about seeing a doctor about it, but as he will not understand why headbanging is so awesome, and dear to me, he will undoubtedly advise against continuing to do so, 'just to be safe', so why even bother going? (Safety isn't everything, as it makes your life dull and stagnant as shit.) Anyway, most likely my physical problems will get (much?) worse as I grow older. Which sucks.

So, you will understand I am definitely not the greatest fan of my body. I feel like I cannot trust it, that it will fail me; I feel it is getting worse in various places, like my neck, at the moment; I feel I need to do cool, active things right now instead of postponing them for various reasons, before my body fails me and I cannot undertake such things anymore. It makes me live in the now all the more, without as much regard for the future as I used to. So if I take risks now, resulting in fun or even incredible experiences, but running the risk or hurting myself (even more), I consider this worth it. If I played the part of the wounded animal just waiting for things to get better, not taking any chances, and thus not further damaging my body, but not going through wonderful experiences either, I may get to lead a 'normal' life longer, but I would feel like a scared little girl, living in fear. I would rather feel alive for a relatively short time than like a zombie not going out and doing cool things but staying at home and watching TV or something. (I would watch Night of the Living Dead.)

What I will do is train my injured leg and hope for the best, but I will not cower from potential harm to come to me. Perhaps playing football will be out of the question for the rest of my life, I don't know, but I will be damned if I just throw in the towel. So I will go parachuting, and do tons of other cool stuff in the coming years, before my rotten body decides it will disallow me to continue doing what I love. After that, if my body indeed fails me, I guess I will have plenty of time for the other things I have always wanted to do but never have time for, like writing a book or something. But I suppose that will have to wait as long as my body will still work with me.

And when I am old and I can't do active stuff worth shit, I will go parachuting again, but just fail to open the damn thing. Go out with a bang instead of coughing my sick ass to death in a bed with grieving family and friends next to me. No, I will not be pathetic and let my body rule over me. Life should be fun, and if it is no longer, with no hope of recovery any time soon, it should be terminated in the coolest way possible. At least then I will show my body it will never take my balls!

Staying put

There are a lot of people who seem to be content just staying in one place their entire life. I see it happening all around me, and if so many people seem to find this pleasant, it must be 'normal'. I am interested to know the reasons behind this desire, because personally I don't feel a close bond with my home town at all, and frankly the thought of living there my entire life repulses me, assaults my sensibilities as wrong, even. The world is so incredibly big, and these days it is so easy to go practically anywhere you want, that it seems ridiculous to stay in one place with so much to see and so many different places to experience. I understand moving to a different country - even for a few years - would be a bridge too far for most people, and I'm not sure I would want that myself (though I like to keep my options open), but moving to a different town in your home country, at least, should not pose too much of a barrier, I think. In a different country you would (in most cases) have to speak a different language (which may unable you to do your work properly, for instance) and your friends and family would not be there, except if you took your wife or something. These obstacles do not exist (or only to a far lesser degree) if you don't move too far away from your home town. But still most people stay put, and seem to like, or even revel in, their staying in one place. Is it because they feel comforted by the familiarity of their environment? Would a new environment (even if it is just 70 km away, which is 'far' by Dutch standards) be scary somehow? Or is it that it is mainly a matter of convenience: having your work place, tennis club, library, optician, etc. near you, as well as (probably) most of your friends and family?

"Is convenience loved more than boredom is hated?"

But I think that even though this is convenient, it is boring. And boredom has become one of my greatest enemies. That is why living in the area I was born repulses me so; it is more of the same, and even more of the same. There are hardly any alleys in my home town I don't yet know, and the salespeople in the shops there all have faces familiar to me. I recognise people in the streets and some recognise me. But I don't want to be recognised and perhaps forced into mundane conversation ("How are you? Good. You? I'm good too. How is work? Fine, been busy, you? Yeah me too. You know, same old..." AAAARGH!!). I like it better when no one I see in the streets knows me, and I can just go about my way without having to pay attention to other people (because if you know one but don't say hi because you didn't notice them, they will resent it) or running into people I knew when I was a kid, stirring up memories from what feels like 8 lifetimes ago.

One of the reasons my ex and I split up was that I went crazy seeing the very same environment each day while she felt comforted by its familiary. More than a year later, she is now looking to buy a house in the neighbourhood she grew up in. She is even looking at houses a few streets removed from her parents' house. Because that is convenient when you have babies and you can drop them off with grandma in a flash. But doesn't this convenience have the down side of being boring as hell?

When I moved away from my home town, I enjoyed finding out where the post office and supermarket were, among other things. Finally there were things I didn't know, and it wasn't all predictable and boring! That was quite a relief. I can't explain how good it felt to do something as simple as asking 'the locals' where the town hall was, since before, in my home town, it was practically inconceivable to not know where something was. But discovering new things only takes so long, of course, as after a while I knew where to find most places, and if I had lived there for years and years, the same problem as before would have arisen: everything would be familiar and dull. So, as long as I feel this way, I will continue to move around and discover new places, fleeing boredom, I guess. Which brings me back to my initial question: why are people content just staying in one place all their lives? Don't they find that boring? Don't they have a sense of adventure, of discovering new things and new places?

Well, I can't figure it out. My guess it they value convenience more than adventure, and somehow don't feel the boredom I do (or not as much). But if so many people prefer to live this way, apparently it is me who is 'strange'. Otherwise the majority of people would be moving around all the time, instead of choosing one place and improving it bit by bit until they have the 'perfect' garden and the 'perfect' .....ah, who am I fooling... they are never satisfied with the material things they accumulate. Just as it seems I will never be satisfied with the place I live. But fortunately, life will always hold surprises. If I knew the future as well as I do my home town, the world would be so boring that life would be futile. So I say: let fate hit me with a few surprises to keep life interesting!

It didn't necessarily have to be a busted knee though ;).