...And I Finally Reach My End

Goodbye cruel world. Goodbye dear friends. If you read this, I hope you were one of those friends, who made life bearable at times. If you read this - a scheduled publication - you will most likely already know that I am dead.

How can existence be so terrifying, so unfair, so pointless, so painful, so tedious, and so atrocious, yet be filled with such miraculous moments of laughter with good friends, when you can almost forget you hate yourself and your life?

Life is full of contradictions, which is very confusing indeed, but when all was said and done, I can safety say my life was composed of far more pain than joy. Day in, day out, my mind filled with thoughts of suicide to end the pain, the desperate longing for it never more than one step away, for my suffering was too great.

But suffering is ever personal, and even through the deepest empathy one can never truly understand what another is going through. What remains is acceptance. My final hope is that the ones I cared about will accept that my choice was borne out of a desperation greater than anything I had ever known - it truly seemed the only way out. I have tried, truly I have, but I could not do it.

No matter what you do, no matter where you run, you can never run from yourself, and my flaws and faults were too great for me to conquer. I cursed the world, I cursed society, yes, but in the end those things only made it harder to deal for me with my greatest enemy: myself. And I did not at all believe that the tears in my psyche could ever be repaired. Even if you do manage to glue something together, you're a fool to believe it is not still broken. What a curse consciousness is . . . And how unasked-for. I never wished to be born, yet I walked this earth for 28 years. It was much too long.

It was never my wish to hurt anyone, and I apologise sincerely for all the pain that I have caused. There is too much of it going around as it is, but everyone will inevitably contribute to it - it seems to come with being human. This appears to be my 'greatest' contribution, but at least my contributions will stop here.

I have no more insights to offer, no more poems, no stories, nothing. I have said enough, and now it is time, through suicide, that I will never say, nor think, nor feel anything ever again. It is what I want. It will free me from the prison that I have been in every single day. I hope you can see why I judged such action necessary.

I love you.

Hak

Illusions

Oh wondrous illusions

How majestic the escapes are

That you produce

Oh anaesthetic illusions

How fine the dreamscapes are

That you contrive

Oh treacherous illusions

How pervasive the promises are

That you provide

Oh dreadful illusions

How horrid the truths are

That you conceal

Oh monstrous illusions

How badly we need you

To stay sane and survive

The Button

As I heard the soft thump I frowned, put down the beer next to a few of its dented and drained kin, wiped the tears off my face and headed to the front door. There was a fat envelope on the mat, which must have only just fit through the letterbox. I immediately opened the door, stepped out and looked around, but saw not a soul. Who would have left this in the middle of the night?

The second glance around yielding the same result made me go back indoors resignedly. I picked up the envelope, which was surprisingly light, and walked back to the sofa. I turned it around. There was no name nor address on it, nothing at all. I opened it and felt inside. My fingers touched something hard and squarish. I pulled it out. In my hand was a tiny black plastic box with a note taped on it. I pulled off the note. Beneath it was a red button set squarely in the middle of the box, and I gasped. This could not be. I had dreamt about this box, both awake and asleep, more times that I could count. Could it be actually real? Was I holding what I thought I was? It could not be, yet . . .

Trigger-free Misery

I curl up in the corner

Clutching my beer like a lifeline reversed

Huddling under the blanket

That shields me from the world

In here no one can get me

I imagine

Right here I don't have to do anything

I tell myself

Hidden thus I can wait to die

I pretend

I know it is just another stupid escape

From the horrible reality that plagues me

I can't handle this shit, I know

Even the damned normal stuff

But the worst part is

I don't even know the trigger

It just happened, like something just died inside

And now I'm stuck

And getting back up seems as difficult

As parting a sea or moving a mountain -

If I were an idiot I'd pray to Jesus to save me

Psychotic Hatred

“I don’t have pet peeves, I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.”

-- George Carlin

Birthdays

Birthdays are such a farce. So you survived for another year. Hooray. But this is not why people celebrate them, is it? They do not celebrate simple survival. Do they even know why they celebrate it, I wonder? I'm inclined to say no. To most, it is not much more than an excuse for a party. And everybody does it, anyway, so they probably should too. And what could be the harm?

Perhaps some think that maybe it could just be nice to make someone feel special for a day. But you’re not special. You never were, and you’re not when it’s your birthday. You’re still just an insignificant speck of dust in the universe, and, in the end, none of your actions matter.

Sad Unto Death

“There is in me the bitter taste of death, and nothingness is burning within me like a strong poison. How could I still speak of beauty, and make aesthetic remarks, when I am so sad, sad unto death?”

--Emil Cioran

Oh Boy, Presents!

The only thing I got for Christmas is pneumonia. Maybe next year I'll get cancer.

Well, one can hope.

The Turn of the Year

The turn of the year . . . what a joke. But a bad one. A depressing one. Suddenly, millions and millions of people feel the need to use explosives to celebrate the calendar changing one digit, and at midnight they go crazy with joy. I mean, they hardly ever smile so broadly as they do then, and they all hug and kiss, and some actually even jump with joy. What the hell are they so happy about? I look at them and feel half a fool for not understanding in the least.

“HAPPY NEW YEAR!” they will say two hundred times over the course of a few days, and I hadn’t even recovered from the nauseating “MERRY CHRISTMAS!” bombardment just last week. I only want to hide from their happy new years until finally they stop spamming that stupid sentence, but their happy new years slip through the cracks, just like their merry christmases did, and they bother me with that nonsense via mail and e-mail, and at the end of every damn conversation I am unlucky enough to hold just before the end of the year.