Doing nothing

Well, 'doing nothing' doesn't actually exist except in death, does it? Even when just staring at a wall you're staring, breathing, blinking, thinking. Still, doing almost nothing is something like 'just sitting down and looking around', not really engaging in any activity. Doing this makes me agitated. Normally I ache to do something, as long as it isn't not sitting around and wasting precious minutes of days that are always way too short.

My ex used to try and get me to do nothing more often. Why, I'm not sure. Me, I've been trying to get people to do more, if anything. There are so many things to do, and there is so little time to do them in! Why just sit around looking out the window? I'm not saying just sitting and relaxing is wrong, but I am of the opinion that engaging in activities is generally more valuable than just sitting around watching people shopping, ducks mating, a random cooking show on TV or even a spider web near the ceiling you know you should clear away but don't, or lying in bed half the day being lazy.

For me there is a sole exception: weekends/holidays. After all, workdays are called work days for a reason, so I work my ass off for those five days every week, running around like a maniac (often literally), doing everything on a high pace. In weekends, I need to recharge my batteries, and especially when I'm not at home, with my PC available and winking at me, I can suddenly sit down not doing much of anything. How weird! It is like I'm a different person then. Sometimes I don't even recognise myself. But I can't do nothing for very long at a time, as the ache will still be there (reminding me I am still myself ;)), but is just slower to manifest.

Sometimes I long for just sitting around doing nothing despite my aversion against it. But in that fantasy I am on a mountain in Norway or some such place, contemplating the universe and my place in it, and just enjoying the beauty of nature in peace.
I will, however, have a notepad in my bag, to write down my thoughts. For I can't really just be sitting around staring at stuff, now can I? ;)

"To be idle is a short road to death and to be diligent is a way of life; 

foolish people are idle, wise people are diligent."

-- Buddha

Old age II

Eight months ago I wrote that old age terrifies me. Recently I have been thinking about (old) age again. I was thinking how you don't know how old you will get but can only expect at what age you die, and/or at what age you will become so sick or crippled that it will be almost the same as being dead. How do you adjust your life to match these expectations, and this uncertainty? Do you 'spread out' your wishes for life over the better part of 80 years, expecting to reach that age, or do you assume you will die tomorrow and live on the edge? Or something in between? Which leads to the concrete question of how best to live your life.

To me, living each day as if it is your last seems a bit excessive to say the least. Enjoying yourself as much as possible and not loafing about wasting your best years, on the other hand, seems like a good idea. I feel a strong need to do the things I want to do in life in the coming few years, before I possibly die in a freak accident or whatever. As I wrote before, I am afraid that my body will fail me when I am still fairly young. This may happen, I just don't know. I try to take the best possible care of my body in the time I have available for it (exercising, etc.) but still there is the uncertainty. I realised I am living like a man not expecting to live past thirty. Long-term commitments, especially kids, are out of the question. This spring and summer will be dominated by cool outings and activities. Et cetera... What else can I do?

"I am not afraid of death,
but the prospect of a dull life 
frightens me to death."

I can think of nothing worse than planning to do such and such around age X, or postponing activities time and again... and dying before you can do them. What a shame that would be! As illustrated above, the fear of no longer being able to do things that are on my 'wish list' has a huge influence on me. Without this fear I imagine I would be a very different person, perhaps settling down again and taking it easy - spending most of the summer on the balcony or in the garden with a stack of books and not really going anywhere. The idea alone frightens me.

Life is too fragile to be taken for granted, and too beautiful to waste just sitting around.