Trigger-free Misery

I curl up in the corner

Clutching my beer like a lifeline reversed

Huddling under the blanket

That shields me from the world

In here no one can get me

I imagine

Right here I don't have to do anything

I tell myself

Hidden thus I can wait to die

I pretend

I know it is just another stupid escape

From the horrible reality that plagues me

I can't handle this shit, I know

Even the damned normal stuff

But the worst part is

I don't even know the trigger

It just happened, like something just died inside

And now I'm stuck

And getting back up seems as difficult

As parting a sea or moving a mountain -

If I were an idiot I'd pray to Jesus to save me

Instead I feel a need to destroy

Christians, other ignorants or inanimate objects

It doesn't matter; I just wish the world to explode

Since all destruction makes me feel warm inside

Sitting there, tucked away, lost and alone

I wish only to die

With such fervour I hope my wishing hard enough

Will somehow make it true

And this diseased, disgusting body

Will finally perish as it should

My every thought tells me

This is what should happen

Death is blissful, death is salvation;

The only escape from this unending madness

So I huddle, pathetically, but somehow shielded

Fighting against the reality that knows no cure

Save for ignorance, a fate worse than death

Or maybe I'm wrong - this could well be

And I beg for the death that shies away

But someday soon, finally

It will come for me