Dying young

As I have mentioned several times before on this blog, my lifestyle has changed quite a bit since my relationship of almost seven years ended. More than a year has passed since then and in that time I have felt more and more that I have to follow my urges and do the things I crave, and not postpone them any longer than necessary (e.g. to save money, or to wait for good weather).

Most of the time I used to focus on what was best for the future, so I was usually thinking long term, not indulging as much as I would have liked. My ex constantly discouraged me of doing things that could have been risky. I think in part as a result of restraining myself and not undertaking the activities I would have liked to, I sometimes got depressed. In retrospect I am not very amazed by this, as not indulging yourself every once in a while will make your life as stale as a forgotten glass of coke.

So this summer I am going parachuting and sometime this week I am going to eat a monster load of eggs, just because I want to. Obviously, the latter isn't all that exciting or dangerous, whereas the former is a huge thrill and something that could kill me if something went terribly wrong. However, immediately after announcing to someone I was going to boil and eat lots of eggs I was warned that my gall bladder would not like that. And when telling someone I was going parachuting, I was told of something that was in the news about a parachute being sabotaged and a girl dying. Warnings, and more warnings. Much more rarely do people say "Oh cool, enjoy!" or "Wow, can I join you?"
This tells me that people have a tendency to think long term and not take too many risks or do things that could have adverse consequences in the short term. Sure, overindulging, like eating at McDonalds five days a week just because you like it so much, is not good for you. And taking immense risks like some thrill-seekers do, striving to climb the highest peaks and bungee jumping off towers, is extreme and is almost completely focused on the short term, as it provides a huge thrill but is dangerous and in some cases even illegal. But occasonally giving in to your cravings, be it risky or bad for your health, will make you feel alive.

Undertaking more risky activities got me thinking about death. In another blog I mentioned that I didn't want to die in bed, as coughing my emaciated, frail form to death and being pathetic doesn't appeal to me at all. Instead, I would want to die parachuting, "forgetting" to open my chute. But in this scenario I am old. What if I get cancer or something in a few years? Suppose doctors tell me I have only three months to live and I will perhaps even be too weak during those three months to do many exciting things in that time? In that case I want to be able to say to myself that I have done everything in my power to have lived my life to the full, even if it ends prematurely.
Therefore I am now living every year of my life as if it is my last. The summers especially will be as full of cool activities as possible, taking into account monetary restrictions and people's desire to come with me. In the relatively boring winters I will save up as much money as possible to get the excitement going in summers.

This lifestyle acts a comfort to me as well. I have never been particularly afraid to die, but I do realise that even if I grow to be eighty years old, I will not have done everything I would have liked in life, as I have too many interests, wishes and dreams. As such, dying young should be terrible, inevitably missing out on a lot of cool things. The thought of dying before I can write a masterpiece book, for instance, is not a pleasant one. But doing everything I can to live my life to the full, year in, year out, makes me unafraid to die. If my parachute doesn't open this summer... so be it.