Having children

At 25, not one long hair on my head is seriously considering having children. These turd-hurling, mightily wailing creatures of myth seem devious opponents requiring a certain experience level to be able to handle. And humble me has have not nearly reached that level. So many more experiences await me before I will be ready for this ordeal, and there seem to be a thousand things that need doing first. Apart from the countless items on my wish list for life, I will need stability: a place of my own, financial security and a degree in translation long overdue. But life takes unexpected turns that destroy your well-laid plans (not that having your whole life planned is something to envy) and due to the huge population of our dear planet, you then have to wait years to get a new apartment - some of the best years of your life spent trekking from one temporary place to another! (I'd better invest in a pair of oxen to pull my cartloads of stuff. Plus they provide milk and make for fine steaks after I'm done with them.) And financial security is kind of handy not just for paying your bills but also for doing all those things that need crossing off the wish list. There is such a monstrous number of things I still want to do in life, many of which require a copious bank account, that it would be impossible or not nearly as much fun to do them while having children.

But hell, I'm still only 25, right? Sure, I spent some of my good years the 'wrong' way (in retrospect), but at least that has made me who I am now, and caused me to have quite well-defined goals in life. There is still time to complete them. But let's get back to these little helpless creatures that poop a lot called children. There seems to be an ever increasing number of people my age, including (old) friends and classmates and such that have them or want them. [spoilers ahead] They appear to desire often getting up in the middle of the night to shuffle around drowsily with a small wailing (and often stinking) creature until it finally stops crying and they can grab a few more hours of sleep before a rough day at work. These creatures stink because they cannot clean up after themselves. In fact, they cannot do much of anything expect cry, sleep and soil themselves. So the people that produced this creature will have to clean up this dirty brown and yellow mess every day, and all this will be their conscious choice. As enigmatic as this behaviour may seem, it is supposed to be rewarding in the end, as - after having taken care of them for years - these creatures will love you for a while and after a period of hating you they will often love you again. You can even do stuff with them later on, like play chess and go mini golfing, as this initial helpless stage only lasts for a few years. (You can even push them on a swing for hours a week, after which they will reward you by crying!) And in this period there is not much you can cross off your wish list: you cannot go on a cool holiday, for example, because you will have to drag this helpless being along with you. Try that while climbing a mountain. (By the way: changing a diaper on a ledge a few thousand feet up in the air would be, like, really really weird, but also like the coolest thing ever.) And you can forget impulsively moving abroad for a couple of years. You will also have to make arrangements with your partner and probably baby sitters and your mom to make sure someone is always watching the child, as it will attempt to kill itself in the most varied and creative ways (drinking toilet cleaner, eating lego, throwing itself in front of cars, etc.) when it is not being watched. (I would too if all I could do was poop in my diaper, cry and crawl around a bit. Well, at least I would be able to piss in my dad's face while he is cleaning up my shit - the proper thank you for performing such a service, right?) [spoiler end]

Although it is perhaps surprising to some people with a desire to have children, having them does not appeal to me much. Perhaps after I cross hundreds more things off my list I will recognise the value of having children, then having sated many of my desires. But perhaps not. So here is the thing: if I don't, I will sort of be compelled to have children anyway. Why? Well, imagine all your friends having children at some point. Then who are you going to do fun shit with? If you have a partner who doesn't want to have any children either, you can do stuff with him/her, but that will get boring. You will need to do all kinds of cool and fun things with various people (friends) to continue to entertain yourself and enjoy your life, right? Well, either that or have children anyway, so you are certain all your time will get sucked up by the suckers and you won't have much time to do anything but work and take care of your kids anyway. Basically, in my view, you give up most of your own life and transfer your hopes and dreams to the new generation. But if you have never had the time or opportunity to chase your own dreams (when having children young - and I consider 25 to be young), it is like you don't live for yourself but for your children, only becoming 'free' again when they move out some 20 years hence. But then you are too old to do much of the stuff on your list. Or you might die of cancer before you get another chance to do the things you want for yourself. I say: live first, chase your dreams, be free to live the way you want to, without too many attachments, and when you have developed yourself, done the (attainable) things you want to, only then consider having children, and 'passing the torch' to the next generation. You will have a story or two for them, as well as wisdom to pass on and the financial security to ensure their well-being (without spoiling them, mind).

And it's not as if there aren't enough people in the world already. How is a person ever going to have a moment of peace in 2300 AD with a projected 9 billion people consuming the planet and filling every nook and cranny that is not Antarctica? Humans are parasites, and they just keep on reproducing. Just listen to Dr House (0:57-1:12):

House: "You have a parasite."
Patient: "Like a tapeworm or something? ...Can you do anything about it?"
H: "Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states."
P: "Illegal?!"
H: "But don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. Name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites."
P: "Playdates?"
H: "It has your eyes."