Starting over

There is a peculiar allure to starting anew. People often think they cannot do so, that they need to remain in their current job, with their current partner or in their current place of residence, that they have bound themself to a place, job or person and that they should stay true to the choice they made long ago. These people will sometimes think about starting over, but decide against it.

Fortunately there are also people with the willpower to start over once they recognise that they desire, or even really need it to be happy. I admire these people. I'm not saying that I only admire people who start over, however: people who somehow remain actually, really happy working in the same place, living in the same place and being with the same partner also earn my respect. They must have somehow found an inner peace to remain happy in this kind of 'static' environment. And this inner peace is what it is all about. It is the reason people seek new beginnings: because these people are not at peace.

So I admire people who take the step to begin anew if they come to recognise that they are not at peace, and that small changes do not really change anything. Whether they quit their job and find a new one better suited for them, regardless if it pays better, as long as they are happy doing that job, or if they move to a different place or even abroad when their 'home' doesn't feel like home any longer, or when they dare to end a relationship that they recognise is no longer good for them.

I myself recognised at some point that I wasn't doing myself any favours staying with my girlfriend at the time (whom I had been together with for nearly 7 years). Even though the relationship provided some kind of stability, I felt I was somehow inhibited by this relationship, that I couldn't do what I wanted, and even that I could never achieve all I desired to in life, that I could not fulfil my dreams while I was with her.

I needed to start over.

It was tremendously difficult at first, and after we broke up, I starting having huge doubts. I wondered if I had thrown away the only thing that was good and solid about my life. But after a time I recognised that this is just because my life was suddenly so very different from what I was used to, I needed some time to adjust and find out what it was what I wanted without the restrictions thrust upon me by this relationship. I am now convinced that most everybody changing their lives, starting over, will go through such a period, albeit briefly. It is what it takes to make this huge change, and it gives you the opportunity to ponder what it is you want now that you are 'free'.

In order to make the change 'complete', I decided to move to a place halfway around the country (though the Netherlands isn't that big :)). Fortunately, as a freelance translator, I could work from home and thus keep my job while moving so far away. (Many people won't have that luxury.) I had recognised that I was sick and tired of the very same environment every day. Nothing seemed to hold any surprises anymore, and I felt there was nothing left to explore, convenient though it may be to know where everything is in your neighbourhood. I needed 'adventure' and, at first, even exploring my new place of residence felt like some kind of quest ;).
(The 'newness' about a place (or job or new love for that matter) fades after a while, though, which could cause some kind of continuous search for new things, to try and keep it all fresh, to prevent life getting dull, but I think I'll write a different blog entry about that sometime.) 

As a gamer, I cannot help but make a comparison to games. When playing an RPG (Role Playing Game for non-gamers) I am essentially taking on a role I will never be able to in real life, for instance being some kind of wizard in a fantasy world. But with every such game I start over many, many times, and I often find the beginning the best part. Your character is then 'fresh', not limited by a previous choice of skills, abilities, gear and affiliations with guilds, for instance (which could be compared to a job in real life, I guess). It can absolutely be fun to play an advanced character, but during my years of gaming it has happened hundreds, if not thousands, of times that I started over, that I somehow needed this fresh start, to do everything exactly as I wanted to. Or because it 'just' feels good to start over, as you then seem to still have endless possibilities before you.

My point is that fresh starts give you the opportunity to forget about your current troubles, whatever they may be, and recant past decisions to do it all over again, and do it better this time, knowing what you know now. I can easily do this in computer games, and this always feels good, but in games you can have a thousand different 'lives' and a thousand different characters. And in real life, there is just you. That's it. I cannot tell you how many times I have wished I could just 'save my life' (as opposed to 'saving my game' ;)), experiment doing things (which could be just about anything) and if it doesn't work out, just 'load my life' again and try something different. Or just 'start a new life' altogether, retaining my experiences and having the ability to start over afresh, being able to make better decisions.
But as you get but one chance to make something of your life, just one chance to reach your goals and fulfil your dreams, it will sometimes, or even occassionally, be necessary to 'start over' in some way, to make sure your life is as you want it to be. And find your inner peace.

And if you feel you are really missing something, really want a change but are scared of the consequences, you should not be afraid, and just do it.

It will open your eyes.