Criticism

People can't stand criticism. From friends, classmates and colleagues (peers), that is. When you're in school, you're supposed to receive criticism from your teachers, so they are 'allowed' to give it to you. Your bosses pay you to work for them so they are allowed too, although you may not like it from time to time. But your peers, who are 'no better than you', have 'no right' to criticise you, even if all they want to do is help. (In my experience, the only 'peers' who may accept criticism from you are close family members.)

"People only tolerate criticism from people who have authority 

over them or people they pay to provide it."

People have become angry with me for providing criticism, which I have given to try and help them, and not in a way to make them feel stupid or anything. Their subsequent anger or even halt of communication with me has taught me that no matter my intentions, people just don't want to be criticised. So now I rarely criticise people, as it appears they simply can't handle it. What strikes me as odd, however, is that clients pay me to criticise them when they ask me to correct their work. When I'm done they even thank me for it. But then I am not their peer, so then it is okay. How weird is this? As if criticising peers would mean that that they are total losers and I am superior to them. No! It just means that I am better at one particular thing, or even know one particular thing that they don't - and can provide free assistance - while they will be better at other things, and can help me whenever they so desire. Consequently, any criticism to a friend or colleague must be very cautiously given, or not at all. Apparently, people generally only appreciate this assistance when they pay for it. How odd that money apparently overcomes the shame of not being as good at something as one would like...

Friendship, and your worth to others

My ex girlfriend's parents were like a second set of parents to me. In seven years we went through a lot together, and I felt I belonged to their 'inner circle', meaning I was entrusted with family matters and problems hardly anyone knew about. Thus I really felt part of the family. When me and my ex broke up, this wasn't because I had done anything horrible or whatever - it just didn't work out between us anymore. Her parents didn't hate me or anything, and didn't have any reason to. But in the blink of an eye, I no longer was a part of their family, and they never contacted me again. I felt (and still feel, after 15 months) like they only used to be in contact with me because I just happened to be the guy their daughter brought home, not because they also liked me as a person and valued me as someone they could trust. This tells me that - if such an intimate and long relationship can be ended so quickly - your value to others is completely relative to circumstances, and is fleeting. People will discard you as a friend as soon as they feel like it, and it will be like you never had their trust. Therefore I regard all but the longest and steadiest friendships to be fleeting, and I just enjoy them while they last, without expecting too much of those people, knowing people like I do. My being discarded by my 'second parents' only confirmed what I already knew: people are a bunch of individualistic, selfish creatures whose relationships with others are almost without exception institutes of convenience.

I have thought a lot about relationships and friendships over the past year. As I am not the first to do this, and there are numerous quotes to be found from people wiser than me, I would like to comment on the concept of friendship with the help of some of these wise men:


All but the truest of friends will betray you or simply discontinue their relationship with you at some time or other. It is best to anticipate the end of current friendships by making new acquaintances as much as you can, so that new friendships can emerge from them to replace the old:

"If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life,
he will soon find himself left alone."

- Samuel Johnson

Do not trust your 'friends' too much in the first years of your friendship, as your trust will often be betrayed. When you are as certain as can be about the true bond of friendship with another, however, be there for them always, and nourish the relationship like you would nourish your child:

"Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in,
continue firm and constant."

- Socrates

Betrayal will occur. The only question is: will you be stabbed in the back or in the front? The person of value and integrity will not be a coward and confess to you why it is he betrayed you:

"A true friend stabs you in the front."

- Oscar Wilde

True and genuine friendship is one of the most precious things you will ever find in life, and is to be cherished like none other:

"Friendship without self interest is one of the
rare and beautiful things in life."

- James Francis Byrnes

Even though you know you will most likely be betrayed eventually, you need even the friendships you know won't last:

"Without trust, betrayal cannot be. But without trust,
I will have no one but me."

- Hak

Having children

At 25, not one long hair on my head is seriously considering having children. These turd-hurling, mightily wailing creatures of myth seem devious opponents requiring a certain experience level to be able to handle. And humble me has have not nearly reached that level. So many more experiences await me before I will be ready for this ordeal, and there seem to be a thousand things that need doing first. Apart from the countless items on my wish list for life, I will need stability: a place of my own, financial security and a degree in translation long overdue. But life takes unexpected turns that destroy your well-laid plans (not that having your whole life planned is something to envy) and due to the huge population of our dear planet, you then have to wait years to get a new apartment - some of the best years of your life spent trekking from one temporary place to another! (I'd better invest in a pair of oxen to pull my cartloads of stuff. Plus they provide milk and make for fine steaks after I'm done with them.) And financial security is kind of handy not just for paying your bills but also for doing all those things that need crossing off the wish list. There is such a monstrous number of things I still want to do in life, many of which require a copious bank account, that it would be impossible or not nearly as much fun to do them while having children.

But hell, I'm still only 25, right? Sure, I spent some of my good years the 'wrong' way (in retrospect), but at least that has made me who I am now, and caused me to have quite well-defined goals in life. There is still time to complete them. But let's get back to these little helpless creatures that poop a lot called children. There seems to be an ever increasing number of people my age, including (old) friends and classmates and such that have them or want them. [spoilers ahead] They appear to desire often getting up in the middle of the night to shuffle around drowsily with a small wailing (and often stinking) creature until it finally stops crying and they can grab a few more hours of sleep before a rough day at work. These creatures stink because they cannot clean up after themselves. In fact, they cannot do much of anything expect cry, sleep and soil themselves. So the people that produced this creature will have to clean up this dirty brown and yellow mess every day, and all this will be their conscious choice. As enigmatic as this behaviour may seem, it is supposed to be rewarding in the end, as - after having taken care of them for years - these creatures will love you for a while and after a period of hating you they will often love you again. You can even do stuff with them later on, like play chess and go mini golfing, as this initial helpless stage only lasts for a few years. (You can even push them on a swing for hours a week, after which they will reward you by crying!) And in this period there is not much you can cross off your wish list: you cannot go on a cool holiday, for example, because you will have to drag this helpless being along with you. Try that while climbing a mountain. (By the way: changing a diaper on a ledge a few thousand feet up in the air would be, like, really really weird, but also like the coolest thing ever.) And you can forget impulsively moving abroad for a couple of years. You will also have to make arrangements with your partner and probably baby sitters and your mom to make sure someone is always watching the child, as it will attempt to kill itself in the most varied and creative ways (drinking toilet cleaner, eating lego, throwing itself in front of cars, etc.) when it is not being watched. (I would too if all I could do was poop in my diaper, cry and crawl around a bit. Well, at least I would be able to piss in my dad's face while he is cleaning up my shit - the proper thank you for performing such a service, right?) [spoiler end]

Although it is perhaps surprising to some people with a desire to have children, having them does not appeal to me much. Perhaps after I cross hundreds more things off my list I will recognise the value of having children, then having sated many of my desires. But perhaps not. So here is the thing: if I don't, I will sort of be compelled to have children anyway. Why? Well, imagine all your friends having children at some point. Then who are you going to do fun shit with? If you have a partner who doesn't want to have any children either, you can do stuff with him/her, but that will get boring. You will need to do all kinds of cool and fun things with various people (friends) to continue to entertain yourself and enjoy your life, right? Well, either that or have children anyway, so you are certain all your time will get sucked up by the suckers and you won't have much time to do anything but work and take care of your kids anyway. Basically, in my view, you give up most of your own life and transfer your hopes and dreams to the new generation. But if you have never had the time or opportunity to chase your own dreams (when having children young - and I consider 25 to be young), it is like you don't live for yourself but for your children, only becoming 'free' again when they move out some 20 years hence. But then you are too old to do much of the stuff on your list. Or you might die of cancer before you get another chance to do the things you want for yourself. I say: live first, chase your dreams, be free to live the way you want to, without too many attachments, and when you have developed yourself, done the (attainable) things you want to, only then consider having children, and 'passing the torch' to the next generation. You will have a story or two for them, as well as wisdom to pass on and the financial security to ensure their well-being (without spoiling them, mind).

And it's not as if there aren't enough people in the world already. How is a person ever going to have a moment of peace in 2300 AD with a projected 9 billion people consuming the planet and filling every nook and cranny that is not Antarctica? Humans are parasites, and they just keep on reproducing. Just listen to Dr House (0:57-1:12):

House: "You have a parasite."
Patient: "Like a tapeworm or something? ...Can you do anything about it?"
H: "Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states."
P: "Illegal?!"
H: "But don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. Name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites."
P: "Playdates?"
H: "It has your eyes."

Malicious thoughts

It's a good thing that there are things called prudence and restraint, for if I spoke my mind all the time, everyone would hate me. 

Bureaucracy V

God damn physiotherapists! This dick physiotherapist I had "treated" me twice before he decided to tell me my health insurer would not pay for it (otherwise I wouldn't even have visited him in the first place). The first time I saw him he took his damn time taking notes about my injury and jotted down my address and such, with me wondering when the hell we would actually do something, followed by giving me some crap exercises I have never been able to do because it entailed me stretching my leg, which I couldn't with my knee injury, even after my operation. He now charged 50 euros for this crap. And the second time he insisted he come to me, just after my knee operation, while I could already drive (= easy). Even though I knew this would 'cost' me more, I was under the impression my health insurance would cover it anyway so I told him alright, he could come. He then arrived much later than agreed upon, but didn't call and I couldn't reach him. Fucked up my afternoon. He was then supposed to treat me for 30 minutes, but he stayed for maybe 18 and repeated himself a half dozen times during that period to fill the time because he's a moron and couldn't think of anything else to do. He taught me one exercise that was useful. Cost: 70 fucking euros. For arriving late without notifying me and staying for a measly 18 minutes, giving me one useful exercise. This is so god damn outrageous I want to maim and kill. The fact that people can charge such ridiculous sums of money for doing practically nothing and without informing them they have to pay for it themselves, and getting away with it, pisses me off so much I mean to either drive my car into his practice, or become a physiotherapist myself and charge people even more for doing even less (like showing off a neat trick I learned involving my ass and tiny little balls and slapping them in the face). Or the third option, of course: being a faggot and complaining about it on the Internet because I can't do anything about it anyway and feel like crap because my wallet is being stolen by someone pretending to give me a nice massage.

Why I would never want to win the lottery

Although the thought will be appealing to most, and many will fantasise about winning the jackpot, I would never want to win the lottery. Money is convenient, but it is not important. At least, having more money than necessary to live in relative comfort isn't (yes, an HD TV is a luxury). Winning the jackpot would change so much about your life, whether you would want it to or not, that these drastic changes could make you very unhappy. They might not, depending on the things you value (basically, the more you value material things, the happier coming into a lot of money will make you, obviously), but I know I would hate it.

To clarify: I am talking about winning a lot of money, like €30 million or something. Winning some money, like €10,000, won't change anything worth mentioning about your life. You will have fewer financial worries, at least for a while, as you won't have to pay as much attention to what you buy as before, fearing to get in the red. This is convenient, and no one will really notice. (They will when you buy a Playstation 3 and they want to play on it.) Winning the jackpot, however, will change everything. For one, I know I would start working less, even after intending not to. But there will come times when I won't feel so good, and on that day I may not do any work, or do less, and do something fun instead. And this will not be a one-time event. Also I would probably make less of an effort to get assignments and all that. Most of this won't happen on a conscious level, but simply knowing in the back of your head that you have nothing to worry about financially would change things, whether you like it or not.

Consequently, for me, working less would result in me having less respect for myself. Buying things without having earned them would also make me respect myself less, and not enjoy the things I have bought. It would take away all the satisfaction of buying something knowing that my hard work has made it possible. Standing on top of a mountain in Norway because my hard work earned me this privilege makes me feel invincible, but travelling the world because I just happened to fill in the right numbers on a piece of paper would feel empty and pointless.

In addition to diminished respect for yourself and decreased satisfaction from otherwise 'great' activities or purchases, relationships with friends and family would deteriorate. It would make you see which people are your true friends and which people seek to profit when they smell money. Suddenly, people you hardly ever talk to would call you to ask you what's up, and finish with a request for some money, because they happen to be in a pickle. What a surprise...

Some people will claim that coming to know your true friends in this manner is a good thing, but I feel it is not. There are many people you can have lots of fun with, even though they may not be there for you when you're really in a lot of trouble. This is irrelevant for the relationship you have with them; after all, how many people can you expect to really be there for you when you're in a bad spot? Not more than a handful, like a few close relatives and one or two really good friends. But that doesn't mean that all the other people you know are total assholes you should not have any contact with. You could have fantastic, memorable nights with them. Nights that make you feel alive and enjoy life. Nights you will not ever forget. But never should you expect all of these people to have your back no matter what, and neither should you cast them out because of it. But it would happen if you were suddenly rich (even though I might take a while), effectively destroying those friendships.

The little changes would come first. People would expect you to pay for all the beer because they are poor students and you have money anyway. You could not really refuse, because if you did, they would think you selfish. And if you started doing these things, you would be the one paying for everything before you knew it. Which is no basis for any friendship. And things would get progressively worse. Friends would resent your ability to go on trips not one of them could pay for. And besides, whom would you go on trips with? If you wanted to go with one of them, you would have to pay for it because they couldn't, and depending on their character they would either feel guilty or exploit you. Or would you suddenly make rich friends and attend parties Paris Hilton would not shy away of? (If you would, please never contact me again.)

No, I would never want to win the lottery. Getting things for free doesn't build character, doesn't build your self-respect, and can make you a lazy, arrogant fool. I will be so much richer earning money through hard work and saving it to do the things I really enjoy. People will (hopefully) respect me for working hard like the rest of them, and I will respect myself. And if you're somehow convinced that coming into millions of euros is not a bad thing at all, ask yourself: how many euros is (self-)respect worth to you?

Impractical studies

It is beyond my comprehension why modern education is so radically different from actual practice. You are not prepared whatsoever for the things you will actually need to do nor the way you need to do them after you start working. You may not recognise this if you're a student but not yet professionally active in your field of study.

I personally have the misfortune I was searching for the right profession for too long; now that I finally found it, I still have almost 2 years of studying ahead of me while already having worked in the field of translation for 2.5 years. For a while now I have realised that this education does not prepare me for actual practice at all. Moreover it is such a lousy course that I often wonder if this nonsense will teach me anything. The type of texts I need to translate I haven't encountered even once in 2.5 years of translation work, and you are not taught to use any of the (online) tools required to make adequate translations. It is like teaching a mechanic to fix a car with his bare hands: utterly blind and ridiculous.

Consequently, summoning the motivation to do my 'homework' seems nearly impossible. With every word I translate I think "What good is this? What does this teach me? Nothing!" But I need to finish these studies nevertheless. The going is hard, however... And to think I haven't even mentioned how ridiculously expensive it is (*ahem* 180 euros even to just take an exam! *cough*). So what is actually happening is that I am investing money in nothing.

And to think there are hundreds of other schools 'accomplishing' the same thing... I feel sorry for the hundreds of thousands of duped students who have no other choice than to perform the tons of impractical educational tasks imposed upon them...

Too little time!

There are way too few hours in a day. Days fly by before you know it, and sometimes I think it's impossible to get anything done. There are more things a day I cannot do for lack of time than things I actually accomplish. I think there should be like 30 hours in a day for days to be actually worthwhile... but only because fatigue would totally overwhelm you if days lasted for 40 hours, otherwise that number would have my vote!

Doctors

Why is it that doctors (including physiotherapists and such) think that they can leech people's time? Yes, health is important, and we need these people, but they seem to think it's normal to let people wait for stretches of time without even apologising or informing them of the delay. (And people accept this!) Yesterday I had to wait for an HOUR, and including travel time it cost me 2.5 hours of my day... all this for 8 minutes in a room with such an arrogant bastard! (A few weeks ago I had to wait for a doctor's assistant for 45 minutes to receive some instructions and discuss some kind of lousy question form for 5 minutes!) Doctors and probably rich and powerful people seem to be the only ones who think it's normal not to keep appointments and to let people wait without offering any kind of excuse or apology whatsoever.

When I have a deadline to meet and I'm afraid I'm not going to make it, I inform my client and ask his permission to finish it a little bit later. If I didn't, and I just handed it in a day late without informing him of this beforehand, he will get mad, and rightly so. This is called responsibility and communication. Apparently, doctors have no notion of these concepts, or choose to ignore them.

I sometimes think I should just always be half an hour late when visiting doctors, because they will keep me waiting anyway. But you'll always see that you will be called right on time on that day...

What's most important

Recently I injured my knee so badly I needed surgury. On some days I was just in terrible pain and on others I was also dependent on people to help me, to bring me food and all that. I couldn't walk, couldn't even get a cup of tea, couldn't do much of anything. It reminded me how important health really is.

I then made a mental list of the three things most important to me. Health is first. Without health, you have nothing. Suppose you are successful, but you get paralysed from the waist down. What is it you have left? You can't work, so your success is void. Actually, you can't do much of anything. You are dependent of others to help you, and you need to find a new job you can do. Half of your body is alive, but you are less than half alive. You can continue living, but never again can you live to the full. An adjusted lifestyle is only a inadequate solution born out of need. Bottom line: no matter what you have, most of it doesn't count once your health fails you.

Second: experience. No one can take your experiences from you as long as you live and your mind works. even when your health fails you. You can get robbed of your possessions, people you care about can leave you, but no one can take away your experiences. This makes them the most important possessions you have. One could argue that love is more important, that it gives meaning to life, but if you have experienced love, it is included here. As is friendship, and just about every other thing you have every done or every person you have ever met. Every experience counts, be it a good one or a bad one. Remembering good ones makes you smile and realise you have done things that were great fun, or very meaningful. Remembering bad ones make you a less naïve and more realistic person, and it helps you make the best possible decisions. They will shield you from harm, and prevent you from making the same mistakes once again. Gaining experiences is what you do every day, and the thing that makes you a richer person every day. Bottom line: experiences are the fabric of life, and worth pursuing. You could say that sitting at home every day after work makes you 'poor' if having a wealth of experiences makes you 'rich'. Go out and do things, meet people, and feel alive. You only live once. (And yes, reincarnation is bullshit. Don't wait for it.)

Third: knowledge. You could say this is similar to experience. And it is true that knowledge is accumulated through experience, but it is something different nonetheless. Knowledge is the thing that has propelled us from living in caves to having iPhones. It used to be great when you had food. Now you take it for granted when you have an iPhone. You used to know only the people from your own tribe. Now you communicate with people from all around the world in seconds and you think it's normal. Knowledge is the thing that is accumulated with the generations and the thing that has elevated us above our ancestors. The possibilities in this world of communication seem endless, and technological progress was never so rapid. In a few decades, we could be flying to the stars and colonise the universe. Of course, it could also spell our doom as we destroy our own planet before we can colonize the universe, but hey, we're a bunch of self-destructing creatures, so you couldn't really expect otherwise. Still, even on a personal level knowledge is the third most important thing in my opinion. The more you know, the better decisions you can make. The better you will be at your work. The better you can lead people. The greater the works you can create. It is truly a shame that this knowledge, this wisdom, is lost when a person dies. We ought to think of something that allows us to download our 'knowledge databases'. Until this has been invented, you'd better just write down everything you know that is so invaluable it shouldn't be lost when you die. But doesn't merely writing down your knowledge seem old-fashioned by now?

If your top threes differ, please comment below. I would love to hear other ideas on what you consider to be the most important things in the world. And if you have something better to do than think about that, don't worry about it. It's not the most important thing in the world.

The church

If you are a religious fanatic or otherwise sensitive with regard to all matters religious, skip this one. 

Oh man, how I hate the church. Don't get me wrong: I'm of the opinion that everyone should be free to pursue whatever it is they like, and if they want to worship something they call 'God' and go to church, they should do so. I hate it, however, when these people 1) preach to people and try to convert them and 2) drag their children to church without them ever having a say in the matter. As it happens, I was dragged to church for the first twelve years of my life. At first I was so young I really didn't know better, but the last few years I had to go there I remember absolutely not wanting to go anymore, I so hated that nonsense. In the end my parents told me I had to come with them until my twelfth birthday. So you can imagine I really liked that particular birthday.

I was recently shown this book about the church I used to go to, having a number of pictures in it of kids making their first Communion. I have no idea if only Catholics do this, because I have never known what the hell its purpose was. When I did this (was made to do it..) I never knew what for, I just knew my parents felt I had to. In any case, it's some kind of ritual, and if I was meant to 'commune' with God or something, it failed utterly. I had to dress up in these moronic clothes and walk through the church with all kinds of people who had nothing better to do than watching this nonsense. In my view they celebrate converting powerless children to their cause because it's just so much harder to convert independent, sensible adults. Maybe that's why these Christians always have so many children...

Apparently, many of these children adopt their parents' beliefs. I don't know why some 'fall for it' and why some don't, but I'm sure as hell glad they didn't convince me there is some kind of higher being who created us and somehow rules the universe. All this seems so utterly ridiculous to me. I mean, jeez, they even think we don't evolve from monkeys! Instead, Adam and Eve were apparently created by God and every human being springs from that source? Seriously?! I can't believe anyone would actually accept this as truth. And why would they believe something this fairy tale-like but not believe in Poseidon ruling the seas or Thor hurling thunderbolts, for instance? I mean, this seems equally far-fetched and ridiculous to me...

Religious people say: "You cannot deny there is something out there because all over the planet people have developed religions. This cannot be a coincidence!" Well, no, it's not a coincidence, because thousands of years ago people didn't understand nature and they saw lightning and this frightened them, so they made up a story about some kind of higher being hurling these lightning bolts. And other peoples recognised the importance of the sun, and decided to revere it as a God. The Aztecs, for example, sacrificed thousands upon thousands of people to please their Sun God, Huitzilopochtli (I googled this :D), hoping (because they couldn't prove it - that's the point) that this would improve their crop yields. Of course, there are many more examples, but it all comes down to the same thing: they couldn't explain certain things and they made up a higher being or beings that explained them. But now, in 2010, we are so far developed that we have explained nearly everything. Hardly anything is unaccounted for. So why, in God's name :P, do people still believe in these fairy tales?! My theory is: they are insecure and feel lost in so big a world and therefore need something bigger, some kind of mysterious leader, to feel safe and guided. They feel they can't do it alone, and feel comforted by the thought that some divine being has a plan for them, and will tell them what to do. Even though he doesn't actually ever do this. Some people will take some random event as a sign from God, but this only reminds me of ancient shamans seeing an omen in every bird that flew over their village... You would expect people to wise up over thousands of years...

Also, they have thought up this concept about heaven and hell. I get it: you scare people into behaving, telling them they will go to hell if they kill somebody, or steal, or whatever. Sometimes, this will work, and I guess it used to be especially effective a couple hundred years ago, but they can't seriously think there is this place under the ground with lava and all that, and a horned devil monster torturing you or something, right? I have heard much better fairy tales than this one. And then there is heaven: so if you behave and you are a good person you will have this amazing afterlife above the clouds? Come on. This is like the biggest joke ever, spun out of control. Rationally they must realise this is complete nonsense, right? They must just be ignoring their common sense and stubbornly believe it anyway because they like the idea so much. Well, as much as I like the idea of having a harem of beautiful women to pleasure me all day long, this is no more than a dream (although there is actually some other religion that believes you will actually get this when you die... does this stupidity never end?), and if they don't recognise it as such, I think they are quite naïve, almost childlike in their beliefs. As if something will become real when they think it hard enough.

And then there is praying. Holding their hands together or folding them, believers 'speak' to God. In fact, they are just mumbling to themselves or thinking words when praying in silence. They think that this being that they made up listens to this, and grants them their wishes. But this doesn't happen. And suppose people prayed for, say, someone who was in a car accident to get better, and he is fixed by a doctor, their prayers have indeed come true, but not because this 'God' figure had anything to do with it. It was because this doctor is good at his job and had modern medicine at his disposal. But they will be like 'Praise the Lord!' How do you suppose this will make the doctor feel? :P

No, I cannot and will not ever understand this behaviour. I am an atheist, and I am very proud of it. It confirms that I am a creature of reason who doesn't fall for ridiculous, fairy tale-like lies openly embraced by people to repress their fear of life and the unknown. I am a realist. Does this make the world a pretty place? No. But at least I face it without any illusions to the contrary.

Memories and regret

In his brilliant novel Sphere, Michael Crichton said: "In a sense, all we consist of is memories. Our personalities are constructed from memories, our lives are organised around memories, and our cultures are built upon the foundation of shared memories that we call history and science."

It goes without saying that we consist of a little bit more than memories, but memories do determine who we are. In fact, everything we go through changes us. You could say that our personalities are sculpted by our experiences, our memories. And, invariably, we will regard some of these memories as bad, or even terrible. Consequently, many of us have regrets. Some people have a lot, and others claim to have none whatsoever. I used to have many, even though I already realised at the time that everything I had done has made me into the person I am today. But I just considered certain things in my past to have been such a waste of time! I asked myself: WHY didn't I realise then that this or that was a waste of time, and WHY didn't I do such and such differently?! The simple answer is: if I hadn't done those things, I would never have realised that I wanted to do those things differently, so I couldn't really have done them differently; I did what I thought was best at the time. So what I should do now is use these insights not to regret past decisions but to make better decisions now. And so I try. But sometimes this is difficult.

Reading Sphere and watching LOST made me wonder about something: would you forget certain things if you could? ...Would you really? It can be an attractive idea for something you consider to be terrible to never have happened. I sometimes think that I would want to forget certain things... things that just continue to occupy my thoughts. Like feeling betrayed by someone. But suppose I forgot this betrayal, I would proceed to make the same 'mistake' again or, rather, I would judge situations similarly as before, and perhaps trust people too easily, or be unprepared for their inevitable betrayal. In fact - sticking with this example - I now expect to be 'betrayed' by most people I meet, in a broad sense. Anticipating this I am attempting to shield myself from the sadness and anger I know I will feel after such a betrayal - anticipating the selfishness and cruelty most people are capable of. I also remind myself not to get too invested in people. If I "can't do without" someone, I am vulnerable, and that person can hurt me a lot. Keeping something of a distance protects me a little bit at least.

Writing this, I feel I sound bitter, but I guess that's preferable to being naïve. Without question, naïve people get hurt in this world - this world full of people who form all kinds of social groups but who choose themselves over others in the end, with the exception of a select few benefactors (you know, like Mother Theresa and stuff :)).

Carl Jung said that there is a shadow side to everyone, a side few people explore, but one that is there nonetheless. I tend to agree. Speaking of myself, no saint, I know I would be capable of terrible things if confronted with a certain situation. For instance, if World War III broke out and we would be faced with a struggle for survival in a lawless wasteland, I would most probably kill when threatened, something inconceivable in our ordered society as it is now. LOST comes to mind again (spoiler season 6!): Ben growing up to be a harmless, geeky history teacher instead of a ruthless manipulator and killer if certain events in the past had been different. (spoiler end) Suppose you had two "timelines" in which you lived your life, two different lives with a major difference occurring in your childhood, I think you could be very different people in the two 'realities', i.e. that you could grow up to be e.g. harmless or ruthless, as circumstances dictate. A more realistic (but horrible) example than the bizarre story in LOST would be: being the sole survivor of a car accident, your parents and siblings dying in front of you. I cannot imagine you growing up to be the same person as when your family had decided to stay at home that day.

What I'm trying to say is that your experiences - which later become memories - definitely have a major impact on who you are. Even when you believe that you have a soul that 'carries' in it the core of your being (I could write another blog entry about this..), your memories largely make you the person you are today. Thus I have realised that regretting things in my past, detesting certain memories, is an utter waste of time and energy. It is still difficult sometimes to see even (no, especially!) negative experiences as things that have made me stronger, wiser, but I continue to remind myself that the present is what matters, and the decisions I make now are borne from the lessons these memories have taught me.

And to enjoy and relish every day ahead of me.

Cowardice and betrayal

Why are there so many cowards in the world? In my experience, it happens too often that someone is too cowardly to just speak his mind. They prefer running, and shunning you, to saying why they are mad at you. And I think it is very sad.

Perhaps it is in part due to the fact that we are living in an Information Age. It is increasingly easy to just block someone online if you live somewhere else, to just cut him off. Suppose you lived in some tiny village in 1000 AD and you were angry with a friend from that village (the villagers being just about the only people you ever saw), you had better just talk to him about it and work it out. But these days, people find it easier to just cut off and block all communications, so they won't have to explain their feelings. I think it would be a sad thing indeed for the human race if these people don't feel any guilt about this cowardly behaviour. But of course, you can't ask them, as they'll just ignore you. I hope they do, though, as it is what they deserve.

I continue to be surprised at the kind of people who pull these stunts, and I still don't see it coming, despite it having happened a number of times. People I trusted, people I called (very) good friends, have cut off all communications with me out of the blue without ever giving me a reason. Asking for one, even demanding one, doesn't help, and I have even once received a reply I would just have to accept not getting a reason for the 'betrayal' (which is what it feels like). This person actually replied to say he refused to tell me! To me this is as cowardly as being a soldier who is too scared to fight and instead lays down in a trench somewhere crying, sucking his thumb and calling for his momma.

I recently had a friend who couldn't stand such practices either, who was as stunned as I was that this happened, that people could display such cowardly behaviour, to show this little loyalty to someone they used to call a good friend and shared many good times with. We talked about this a lot, and I thought she was the last person on earth who would ever do such a thing. But as it happens, she did, and I am flabbergasted by it. If such an outspoken opponent of such things does this, is somehow too afraid to tell me what the hell is up and leaves me wondering what on earth it was that I have done to her without realising it, then just about anyone can do this.

So I have been betrayed by good friends and by someone professing to hate people who do what she did herself. They either started ignoring me outright and pretended I no longer existed, refused to give me a reason for it or did give me a reason (happened only once - does this make this person slightly less pathetic, I wonder?) but never gave me a chance to reply or to defend myself (reminds me of stabbing someone in the back), instead saying that she would block me on all websites and that it would be the last I ever heard of her. And it leaves me wondering if I am somehow a person who is not to be trusted, who does the most horrible of things, who should be hated for all the terrible things he does to people, who deserved all this. But you know, that is simply not true. The people who are too cowardly to speak their minds over some (minor) grievance are to blame, and I rank them among the most pathetic of human beings.

But what to do, then? Should I just not make friends, never trust people, expecting to be betrayed? Of course not. I will have to learn to shrug off these betrayals, as they will continue to occur, I am sure. But it is a difficult thing to do, and at the moment I have great difficulty imagining not caring when this happens. Maybe expecting it will happen anyway will make it hurt less when it does. Or perhaps it is supposed to hurt every time to remind you never to become naïve and trust people too easily.

And these cowards? I hope they will burn in hell.

People are strange

Everyone has something really strange about them. And I mean everyone. Just make an imaginary list of a few people you know well and think of something really weird about all of them. Something you've shaken your head over on occasion, or even countless times, for lack of understanding this. I guarantee you you'll be able to think of something.

Is this bad? Well, a lot of these characteristics are probably unwanted parts of someone's personality, something they can't get rid of (though soms people embrace them as it gives them something to hold on to), but sometimes people don't even realise themselves that this particular thing about them is pretty odd. So essentially I guess you could call them bad. But for one, it is something that makes people as unique as they are - which makes life interesting, so this is good - and second, you have something weird about you too. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, it might be a good idea to start thinking about this, as you may just discover something about yourself. Something you might want to try and change, though this is often difficult.

Are you completely satisfied about yourself? Then congratulations are probably in order, as you have perhaps embraced this strangeness as an integral part of you, something that makes you you, even though you may sometimes find it difficult or annoying. Or perhaps you haven't yet figured out what it is about you that is kind of odd or uncommon. In that event, again: it might be a good idea to start thinking about this.

So am I trying to make you feel bad by "letting you search for something bad about yourself"? No. I am merely suggesting that if you don't know what would be strange about you, pondering this might help you understand yourself better. It won't change the way you are in any case, but self-knowledge is something that is valuable beyond question, and perhaps it will gain you some more :).

I don't expect anyone to comment about what is odd about them, but perhaps you could say whether or not you are aware or something strange about you. That would be interesting to know.

And if it helps, just call it 'exceptional' ;).

(Un)expected change

Years back, I used to wish for a quiet life in which everything was clear and planned and all that, so that no nasty surprises would come my way and so that, when I woke up, I would know up front what my day would look like (in general) and what I would be doing that night. Hahaha! I so laugh about this now, and can hardly imagine that I was actually once convinced this was the life I most desired, but I do remember.

How I have changed! At the time that I had these thoughts, I could never have imagined this change. But even now, knowing that huge changes can come over you with time - drastic changes even - I have difficulty imagining I could one day wish for this quiet, predictable life again, in which almost everything is predetermined (but it is a real possibility I someday will!). Right now, thinking about such a dull life without surprises makes bile rise up in my throat, followed by a sense of relief that I am not now living this life. As I recently discussed with a friend of mine: when you do the same thing every night after work and you look back on this period years later, you will not be able to distinguish one day from the other, as you didn't do anything worth remembering, did nothing that stood out from the repetitiveness of your existence, and your memories will be a blur. In fact, you will be like the living dead.

No, this bland, uneventful life is not for me. How could I ever have thought differently!? Going through unique new experiences and aquiring new, precious memories are what keep me going, that stoke the oven, so to speak. Because the fact is that I lived a dull life for far too long, and I have a lot of catching up to do after changing so drastically.

This drastic change feels so weird because at any point in your life you (may) feel like you know yourself (though probably not 100%) and see yourself in a certain way, like you are this or you are that, like something static almost. But the way you 'are' is an illusion! Around this very core that is you (some would call this your soul), everything is variable, everything can change. I used to regard this desire of mine to have this stable, predictable life as something that was close to this core, as something that would not, could not, change. Something that made me me. But change it did, and it wasn't the only thing that changed, or that will change. I know this now, and although I expect this change (not changing would be stranger!), there is still, I think, something deeply rooted in the human subconscious that resists change. Because change is scary. And it might not be for the better. *whistles X-Files theme* But I say: if changes find you, embrace them, because they are happening for a reason. You may not be happy with the way you are at the moment, or the way you are living your life.. and you may not even realise it yet.

I used to (want to) plan my life: I wanted a predictable career, a steady girlfriend/wife, eventually grow some children in our garden and die of old age. Now the only thing I want is to just live, and live my life to the fullest, giving in to my desires (though there are limits :)) to enjoy the things I want to enjoy at that time, and wait and see what my life will be like: which girl(s) I will share my life with (I am not yet ready to settle (again) at all - been there, done that...), what career choices I will make, what opportunities will present themselves, which friends I will keep and what friends I will make, etc.
There are things I 'know for certain' though, and this 'certainty' makes me laugh even while writing about it. Because they are not certain. I keep saying that, despite not knowing what to expect from my future, I am 'certain' I don't want any children within five years, and that I am fairly certain I won't want any within ten years. But who knows, within a few years I might just suddenly develop this overwhelming desire to have children, maybe even to have five!

Because ultimately, the only thing you can expect from the future is that it will be not(hing) like you expect.

Bureaucracy IV

Can anyone tell me why making one change and sending a new bill takes 10-12 weeks? Lord Almighty, it should take them a maximum of 10 minutes! By the time I receive this new bill I will have forgotten what the hell it was about!

Bureaucracy III

This bureaucratic society is so full of vultures it continues to sicken me. Only the difference is: vultures usually wait until you're dead to pick you clean...

It seems that companies just take any opportunity they can get to rip your heart out. Or at least empty your pockets with a grin while you stand paralysed. Because most of the time there's really nothing you can do. In 99.9% of cases, it will simply not be worth it to go to court over some random company screwing you over, thinking up bills and having some eeny meeny rule in their general conditions somewhere that says they can do so. 

Let me tell you: if anyone gives me a big mouth or insults me, I react. If anyone gets physical with me, I react. I stand up for myself. This way I can continue to respect myself, not letting anyone take advantage of me. But with these companies (the current object of my hatred is the energy company), you never see any of their employees and they just take advantage of people remotely, sending ridiculous bills to the little people while laughing their asses off in their ugly building across the country somewhere, knowing hardly anyone will stand up to them because you just can't. Oh how I wish to just grab a random dude with an energy company jacket on by the collar and throw him across the room, just to have some tangible way of letting my rage play out.

I know many people will say: "Don't get all worked up over it. You can't do anything about it anyway." But if I just bow my head and kneel to these companies, they will have won completely. I guess the "going down fighting" thing appeals to me more, despite the frustration it saturates me with. Still, it would rather be "going down shouting" because I can shout whatever I want, but I cannot fight them, not really. I can try, but it amounts to the same thing every time: it costs me time, energy and (even more) money, and in the end they will have ridiculous safeguards in place that nullify any protests so all will have been in vain. Again.

This is what it all comes down to: the thing I love the most is my freedom. To do whatever I want (within the boundaries of the law), letting no one have a say over me. And the only thing that does is these damn companies. They do have a say over me, and that may just be the most frustrating thing ever.

Materialism

It stuns me how many people hoard all kinds of stuff. I understand buying a few luxury items you really love, but the sheer quantities of "useless" things people buy astonish me. It is like they have too much money on their hands, and they are just eager to put it to use to find some kind of quick satisfaction. Or is it that they think they will feel rich, or feel happy, by having lots of random stuff?

Take coming back from holiday with bags full of souvenirs with hardly any practical applications (and all of them being relatively expensive, as tourists inevitably get ripped off), for instance. This seems the rule rather than the exception (in Western countries at least). People buy them to... do what? Remind themselves they have been there? To show others they have been there? Even though buying one or two souvenirs should be fine, isn't it better to just really enjoy yourself there and fix all the fun things you have done and the beautiful things you have seen into your mind to later revel in the wonderful memories they have produced?

No doubt some people (especially girls ;)) will not agree with what I'm about to say here, but I don't get (extensive) shopping as a goal in itself. Wanting or needing something and setting out to buy it, with that specific goal in mind, seems perfectly logical to me. I can even understand wanting to spoil yourself sometime when you feel down and going shopping for just a little while to buy something you like, or ordering something online and feeling like you're being spoiled when it is delivered and you rip off the packaging like an eager child at his birthday. But just shopping all day long looking to just spend, being eager to spend even, as a hobby, just to buy things, not with any other goal in mind other than to find all sorts of things that catch the eye (mostly clothes where girls are concerned ;)), and to eagerly grab them and haul them home as trophies, only to use them once or twice, or even every once in a while if it was actually a good purchase (yay!)? (Note that only the most disciplined of shoppers ever return home empty handed, by the way ;). They just need to buy something.) Or to have some kind of mental list (or even worse, a real one ;)) of all the things you still want to have in your house to "make it complete", and spending years to work towards this perceived perfection, as if achieving this, and thereby making the house "perfect", would make you happy. What if it burns down? Or if you somehow go bankrupt and lose everything? Or even just imagine yourself without all your material wealth, naked and vulnerable, owning nothing but your skills and memories (your treasures!). What then, are all these things you have accumulated worth?

I must grudgingly admit I have participated in this kind of behaviour (to a certain degree, as I have ever hated shopping all day long!). First when I was young and was cared for anyway, so I could just spend all the money I had on things I fancied. And later when money was abundant, me and my ex-girlfriend paying relatively little rent and having a double income to spend. I fancied DVDs so I bought at least one just about every week, starting a collection which grew and grew. As did my book collection. I thought: these are practical items, since I use them and enjoy them, and not just objects to look at (which I personally find quite a waste of money, since I don't care much for aesthetics). But I was wrong. I did use them (as a girl will wear a certain shirt once and then forget she has it) but I still haven't read most of those books (I cannot read that fast!) and even though I have watched nearly every one of those DVDs, they were also objects "to look at": I had a wall full of DVDs and books, and when I looked over to it, I was pleased to know I had all of that, and when I had visitors, they could also see I had all of that.

Great.

Did I need all this stuff? Of course not. Did it make me happy? Of course not. (Obviously I thought differently at the time.) Would I have bought all of this if I hadn't had excess money to spend? Of course not. I would probably have bought a couple of movies I really loved, and a few of my favourite books. I could have just rented DVDs on occasion, and gotten most of my books at the library, and it would be all right. Buying all of that was pure luxury, and simply unnecessary. I know this now.

I realised this when money started to get more difficult to come by, and I had to make an effort just to be able to pay my bills. I started saving on all kinds of things, mainly on luxurious items I didn't really need. I even started drinking cheap beer ;) (whereas before I was a whiner and would only drink a selection of fine (and more expensive) beers, and I found that I enjoyed these cheap beers, that they weren't as bad as I always believed. I even found that when I had a more expensive beer sometime, I would enjoy it more than I did before, since it used to be "normal" to drink expensive beer, and now it was "special", and thus more enjoyable.

In fact, it doesn't really matter how much money you have, as you will spend the bulk of it regardless of how much you have (except when you're an obsessive and very disciplined saver). When you're all but broke (or living in a Third World country for that matter..), you will (obviously) spend it on the necessities, just to survive. If you have some more money, you will spend some on luxuries, as simple survival isn't all that much fun. If you have even more money, you will buy even more luxuries - things you really don't need - and this process continues practically until you're Bill Gates and cannot think of anything else to buy. Why else would a happy poor man become millionare suddenly feel the urge to buy a fast car and a big house? He used to be happy when he had food and a roof over his head, and suddenly only the best food is good enough, and he "needs" a villa with a swimming pool.

At any given time, people have their eye on something they want to buy as soon as they have the money, regardless of how rich or poor they are, but how you spend this money is what makes the difference. Will you buy loads of random things that catch your fancy and stash your house full of them, or will you spend most of your surplus funds on trips and such to experience as many different things as you can, see as many places as you can to enrich your mind and experience the world as completely as your income allows? Me, I have recognised that most of the things I used to buy didn't actually do anything to make me happy. I now buy only the luxury items I really, really want (and how much more you will appreciate them when you don't have tons!) and spend the money I have left on doing things I enjoy, seeing as many places as I can, experiencing as many things as possible, and preferably sharing these experiences with the people I like and respect the most, as these experiences are all the more valuable when shared with a dear friend, partner or family member.

And in the end, when you are old and shrivelled and looking back on your life, you will know that you have lived your life to the full.

Trust

There are few more elusive concepts than trust, I feel. I have spent many hours of thought on this concept, especially when I was younger (but it just continues to be so very important, if not vital!). I remember a younger Hak hardly being able to comprehend the tremendous importance of something so utterly intangible yet the thing that defines friendships and (romantic) relationships. It is so difficult to earn, and often so hard to give. It is a crucial factor within any relationship, one that generally elevates close family above friends in terms of 'durability', meaning that friendships will often end within a few years, or even after a few decades, but end they will, almost without a doubt (what percentage of friendships do you think lasts for over 10 years? 10%? 5% Even less? Feel free to comment ;)), whereas the bond of trust between parents or siblings is often so great that opposing parties will reconcile their differences time and again, knowing the other(s) will have their back no matter what. Of course it is in part the blood relation that accounts for this close bond, but if this is the foundation, then trust is built right on top of it.

I think there inescapably comes a time for many people that they feel abandoned by many people who are close to them, be it by friends or colleagues or both, or even by some family members, but then you will generally find that your parents and siblings continue to be the people you can count on, no matter how many times you have professed to choose friends over family (and I am no exception).
On a side note: I think this is one of the big sadnesses of orphans or only children. Orphans will hardly ever have people they can really fall back on, no matter what has happened, no matter what mistakes they have made.

So difficult to earn, and often so hard to give. Extending your trust to someone too easily seems equal to naivete and is often disastrous, as this trust will often be betrayed. At least, my trust has been betrayed (about matters big and small) so many times that I have come to believe it is an inescapable fact of human nature (but don't ever tell me you can't help breaking people's trust "because this is simply human nature"!!). And I have broken people's trust as well, as I am human, but I definitely try my best to do so as little as possible, as there are few things I find more hateful than abusing the trust of people who care about you. Or even abusing the trust of strangers. (Of course, small matters such as agreeing to meet someone but not showing up is also breaking someone's trust. Just to illustrate how easy it is to do so...)

Despite having misplaced trust so many times, I have always (as far as I can remember) tried to give people the benefit of the doubt when meeting them, giving them a reasonable portion of trust to start with. I guess I do this to try and see the good in people, to stay positive, and not become so guarded a person that it becomes very difficult to start friendships and romantic relationships. Because what happens when two people meet who are both so guarded with their trust that they do not dare extend it to the other? Indeed, they would never be able to become friends (unless they change), as friendship is built almost entirely on trust, supported by things you have in common.

So I try to give people the benefit of the doubt when I meet them, and although they will have to earn the greater part of the trust between us, I give some of it freely. (Naturally I don't do this when I 'meet' people who look very untrustworthy to me! This would just make me an utter moron ;).) It is like laying a shallow foundation upon which something beautiful can be built, but one that wouldn't have cost much if even this tiny bit of trust is betrayed (say, accepting a couple of beers from me but intending to never see me again). I feel this is a tiny, intangible investment you need to make to try and build friendships, something that mostly just occurs on a subconscious level (but I wanted to write about it ;)).
I know people who find it difficult to make friends. Maybe the above is something worth considering for those who struggle with this.

That said, I think the best part of any kind of relationship (friendly or romantic) is even the initial phase in which you build up mutual trust, that first period during which you 'lay the foundation', so to speak (so don't be afraid to extend some trust to people you find interesting!). Depending on how much you meet or speak to each other, this may take a month, or a few of them, but this month is often one of the best you will have with that person, in my opinion. I also like it because this person is new to you and since people are curious by nature, it is great to 'figure out' a person, to discover what makes them tick, and to enjoy the things you find out you have in common. But mainly it feels good to earn someone's trust. It makes you feel good about yourself, like you are someone worth trusting, a good person.

The only thing you have to do next is make sure you are indeed worthy of this trust, and not betray it like so many people do way too often...

Starting over

There is a peculiar allure to starting anew. People often think they cannot do so, that they need to remain in their current job, with their current partner or in their current place of residence, that they have bound themself to a place, job or person and that they should stay true to the choice they made long ago. These people will sometimes think about starting over, but decide against it.

Fortunately there are also people with the willpower to start over once they recognise that they desire, or even really need it to be happy. I admire these people. I'm not saying that I only admire people who start over, however: people who somehow remain actually, really happy working in the same place, living in the same place and being with the same partner also earn my respect. They must have somehow found an inner peace to remain happy in this kind of 'static' environment. And this inner peace is what it is all about. It is the reason people seek new beginnings: because these people are not at peace.

So I admire people who take the step to begin anew if they come to recognise that they are not at peace, and that small changes do not really change anything. Whether they quit their job and find a new one better suited for them, regardless if it pays better, as long as they are happy doing that job, or if they move to a different place or even abroad when their 'home' doesn't feel like home any longer, or when they dare to end a relationship that they recognise is no longer good for them.

I myself recognised at some point that I wasn't doing myself any favours staying with my girlfriend at the time (whom I had been together with for nearly 7 years). Even though the relationship provided some kind of stability, I felt I was somehow inhibited by this relationship, that I couldn't do what I wanted, and even that I could never achieve all I desired to in life, that I could not fulfil my dreams while I was with her.

I needed to start over.

It was tremendously difficult at first, and after we broke up, I starting having huge doubts. I wondered if I had thrown away the only thing that was good and solid about my life. But after a time I recognised that this is just because my life was suddenly so very different from what I was used to, I needed some time to adjust and find out what it was what I wanted without the restrictions thrust upon me by this relationship. I am now convinced that most everybody changing their lives, starting over, will go through such a period, albeit briefly. It is what it takes to make this huge change, and it gives you the opportunity to ponder what it is you want now that you are 'free'.

In order to make the change 'complete', I decided to move to a place halfway around the country (though the Netherlands isn't that big :)). Fortunately, as a freelance translator, I could work from home and thus keep my job while moving so far away. (Many people won't have that luxury.) I had recognised that I was sick and tired of the very same environment every day. Nothing seemed to hold any surprises anymore, and I felt there was nothing left to explore, convenient though it may be to know where everything is in your neighbourhood. I needed 'adventure' and, at first, even exploring my new place of residence felt like some kind of quest ;).
(The 'newness' about a place (or job or new love for that matter) fades after a while, though, which could cause some kind of continuous search for new things, to try and keep it all fresh, to prevent life getting dull, but I think I'll write a different blog entry about that sometime.) 

As a gamer, I cannot help but make a comparison to games. When playing an RPG (Role Playing Game for non-gamers) I am essentially taking on a role I will never be able to in real life, for instance being some kind of wizard in a fantasy world. But with every such game I start over many, many times, and I often find the beginning the best part. Your character is then 'fresh', not limited by a previous choice of skills, abilities, gear and affiliations with guilds, for instance (which could be compared to a job in real life, I guess). It can absolutely be fun to play an advanced character, but during my years of gaming it has happened hundreds, if not thousands, of times that I started over, that I somehow needed this fresh start, to do everything exactly as I wanted to. Or because it 'just' feels good to start over, as you then seem to still have endless possibilities before you.

My point is that fresh starts give you the opportunity to forget about your current troubles, whatever they may be, and recant past decisions to do it all over again, and do it better this time, knowing what you know now. I can easily do this in computer games, and this always feels good, but in games you can have a thousand different 'lives' and a thousand different characters. And in real life, there is just you. That's it. I cannot tell you how many times I have wished I could just 'save my life' (as opposed to 'saving my game' ;)), experiment doing things (which could be just about anything) and if it doesn't work out, just 'load my life' again and try something different. Or just 'start a new life' altogether, retaining my experiences and having the ability to start over afresh, being able to make better decisions.
But as you get but one chance to make something of your life, just one chance to reach your goals and fulfil your dreams, it will sometimes, or even occassionally, be necessary to 'start over' in some way, to make sure your life is as you want it to be. And find your inner peace.

And if you feel you are really missing something, really want a change but are scared of the consequences, you should not be afraid, and just do it.

It will open your eyes.

Old age

I am terrified by old age. Not myself at some point being old per se, but rather what old people tend to do when they're old. Or actually, what they don't do. They just seem to sit around all day, I don't know, doing crosswords or playing bingo or whatever. And as I'd rather spend a week doing all kinds of cool stuff than going through the same dull routine for a year, sitting around doing practically nothing worthwhile and being useless absolutely terrifies me. In fact I would rather die than become a useless fossil. So I wonder: did these grandpas and grandmas use to think the same thing when they were my age? And if they did, will I eventually become like them because apparently you somehow can't help becoming like that when you're old and unable to move around well and taking dozens of different medications every day? Or is there a different way?

Thriller author Robert Ludlum (who wrote The Bourne Identity among others) published his first novel at age 44 (which reminds me it's never too late to do anything!) and continued to write highly acclaimed novels until he died at age 74. I'm guessing he was on all kinds of medications and didn't move around too well in his last years, similarly impaired because of old age, but this man just continued doing what he loved. He has shown me that it is possible to continue to do worthwhile things when you are old, so I hold on to this thought whenever I shiver at the prospect of becoming a living and breathing but useless fossil some day, doing little or nothing worth remembering in his last years (and keeping people waiting in line in supermarkets time and again because old people seem to do everything in slow motion).

Also, I have read that (very) old people still in (relatively) good health often still work. For example I read about a 90-year-old man who still toiled on his farm every day and seemed twenty years younger at least. Now I don't relish the prospect of working until I die, but such examples have taught me I should keep busy when I get old (which will fortunately take quite a while yet!), also physically.

So when(/if) I get old, don't look for me in a retirement home, playing bingo with my fellow fossils, but writing stories for the world's enjoyment and going on all the cool trips I can still manage.
Hopefully with a cool grandma by my side who will beg for us to go parasailing again! :)

Standing by

It appears that most of the time I am merely "standing by" these days. Of course I do stuff while standing by, but still, I realised I am standing by most of the time, waiting for work to come along. And of course every time I am not standing by, work comes along. At the wrong time, with me being in the wrong place (e.g. taking a poop ;P).
Standing by is a peculiar thing. I actually have enough time to go on trips and all (as long as they're cheap, because standing by does not earn one stacks of cash), and do all kinds of stuff, but still I feel compelled to stay at home (or very close to home) on weekdays to be ready in case work suddenly comes my way. So I sit at my computer most of the day, not working, but merely standing by.
And of course assignments will pass me by just when I take a five-minute break from the tough job of standing by. Working a steady job is starting to appeal to me more and more...

Bureaucracy II

Okay, this is so ridiculous I just have to write about it: I was forced to move in with my mom about 3 weeks ago because my house was going to be demolished and I hadn't yet been able to find a new place for myself. As my mom already had an Internet connection, I obviously wanted to terminate my current Internet contract (with Online). It appeared that you could prematurely terminate your contract when you move into a house where there is already an Internet connection present. Okay, makes sense. But the Netherlands wouldn't be the Netherlands without having to prove that you're actually living at this new address and that there is actually an Internet connection present. So I had to register with the municipality that I was coming to live here (which I had to do anyway), but I had to wait a week to get a copy of the certificate of residence (yeah, printing something is difficult indeed). In the meantime I needed a copy of my mom's Internet contract. But as you obviously can't keep everything, she couldn't find it. She had to call her provider (Tiscali) about this, but they give out contracts only once, they said. They could only provide a contract number, which would do the trick, they assured us.

Fine. So after three trips to town hall and waiting for over an hour in total, I had my little piece of paper to prove I live here. For some reason I couldn't e-mail all this and had to write a letter (who writes letters?!?), including the certificate and contract number. But just now they called and they said the contract number was no use because Tiscali wouldn't give them any contract information either (WHAT THE HELL?!) and now I had to go fetch some bank statement of my mom's to prove that she was actually paying Tiscali. I asked the guy if I couldn't just e-mail it, and he hesitantly said yes but wouldn't give me a direct e-mail address and started to stutter out some roundabout way of sending him an e-mail via the website.

As he was explaining this, I was browsing their website to find some link he was describing, and it hit me that I was surfing the Web at that moment because I was trying to prove I had access to it!! Angrily I told the guy that I was surfing the Web at that moment and that it was ridiculous that I had to spend hours doing all kinds of stuff, sending letters and whatnot, to prove I had access while I was using Internet at the same moment I was on the phone with the guy. He stammered something about it not working that way, and of course I knew it didn't, because we're living in this rotten bureaucratic society, so I didn't ask him if he could just perform some Google search, me copying his action and telling him what the top hit was or something, proving that I was indeed using the Internet. Utter absurdity.

Oh, and it was best if I just sent the bank statement via mail anyway, because "via e-mail it would probably get lost" :S. I told him that once this whole thing was finally over and done with, I would probably have moved again, rendering all my efforts moot. Of course he stammered some noncommittal nonsense answer, like such people always seem to do, uttering words but not really saying anything. So I guess I have no choice but to comply with his preposterous demands.

So. It's going to take me a month to prove I moved to a house with an existing Internet connection, costing me and my mom a couple of euros sending letters and calling hotlines (not a fortune or anything, but a complete and utter waste!), and costing this country money in paying the people working at Online and Tiscali dealing with this, while I could just have proven it with one simple Google search. This is such an utter waste of time and money - and it's definitely not the first time - that I'm losing faith in this country with its bureaucratic nonsense. And getting my Internet from a different provider once I move again is useless because it's the same everywhere. Maybe emigrating would be an option.

Any suggestions?

Unique creations

This blog entry was inspired by this trailer. "You can achieve immortality simply by doing one great thing." (0:50-1:00)

It seems nearly impossible to create anything really special. Of course, every creation is unique. Take this blog entry, for example. This combination of words has never been written before, which makes it unique in a way. But is it really so different from the billions of other blog entries that can be found on the Web? I don't think so. Still, every creation is of value to someone, like the author/designer and/or a select few (s)he likes to share his/her creation with. This is often sufficient. For example, when I write a short story for a special someone, it needs be special only to that person, or maybe also to myself. Were I to somehow publish this same story, only a very tiny percentage of the world's population would find it even remotely interesting, or would not even understand it.

On the other hand, if you really wish you create something that millions of people would enjoy/love, you need to make something truly unique. You need to add new elements to whatever it is you're creating for it to really appeal to people. Of course something familiar yet different (but without new elements) can be appealing to some people, but these creations offer fleeting entertainment. I'm talking about something people will talk about for years, or even decades: something truly unique.

Take writing a book (my personal dream). Write any kind of thriller and you will find it virtually impossible to add anything truly new. This doesn't mean it can't be a good thriller, but it will always have dozens of familiar elements. Fantasy and science fiction grant you more options, such as creating an entirely new fictional universe, even though it may bear a resemblance to Middle Earth or the Star Trek universe, for example. But thinking up such a universe, including a wealth of detail to make the world seem truly alive and real, is quite the challenge to say the least. And of course you will have to write an amazing and unique story set in that world for it to be truly appealing to great numbers of people.

This is true for many things. Any work of art will be unique but still bear a (close) resemblance to other works of art. A song can be good, but it could also be referred to as "absolutely genius" by critics and fans around the world. The boundary of "unique" vs "truly unique and enormously appealing" is always present, and it takes a person of considerable skill to defy this boundary and create something people will still talk about, say, fifty years from now.

It also takes a person with a certain mindset to want to create something like this. There are many people in the world who don't strive to create something they will be remembered by. For many it is enough to be remembered only by their friends and family, for example. Others don't even think about this and just enjoy life, thus thinking about the now instead of the future. But for some, and I count myself among them, the challenge of creating - or doing, but this may also happen spontaneously - something truly unique, something that will earn you immortality, that will inspire others in years to come, is something that is on their mind constantly, daring them to come up with just one thing that will earn them a place among the great.
Unfortunately, most of them will fail utterly.

Thus the sweeter the taste of victory will be for the ones who do manage to fulfil their dream.

Communicating

We've been doing it since we were monkeys. First by grunting to each other, then developing languages, writing...and then it kind of stood still for a while. The basics were there though, and people managed and all. But when phones were invented, communicating became a lot easier. Recently, even mobile phones and the Internet were added. Communicating couldn't get any easier, right?

Wrong. It seems to me that although some people become addicted to communicating (*cough* tweeps *cough*), many others somehow don't seem able to handle all these incoming communications, and disregard an X percentage of them, X being.....high ;).

It also seems to me that more and more people do not contact friends by themselves, but wait. And when they are invited to something, they don't reply. So what they seem to be waiting for, I have no idea. But taking initiatives doesn't appear to really bear fruit these days. Thinking of and organising something fun to do with a group of friends takes some time and effort, but it doesn't seem to pay off anymore.

Let me illustrate this with an example: when I invited over 10 people for a fun outing that wasn't that expensive and which I offered well in advance so people would actually be able to come, only three people replied, of which two said they couldn't make it for some reason or other. Now, if people don't want to - or can't - go and give me a reason, I get it. Maybe I should have planned it differently or something. But what I cannot get my head around is 50-80% of people generally not replying at all. And these are not strangers disregarding some newsletter they're not interested in, but friends who are invited to do something fun. I don't even know if they even read the message, but I'm assuming they do, since people may often be lazy, irresponsible and rude, but they are curious. It's human nature. So assuming they read the invitation, they must think it too much of an effort or too hard somehow (may I please sigh?) to reply in one or two sentences explaining why they can't come.

This strikes me as a degradation of human communications and extremely off-putting to organisors. Me being someone who likes and feels the need to organise things (as hardly anyone else seems to), I've been wondering a lot if I should continue to try. On occasion enough people respond to actually do something together, albeit with a smaller group than I had in mind, so it's not as if every attempt is in vain, but when you organise something, you want it to be rewarding, with the ultimate reward naturally being a amazing outing with a group of great people, producing memories to cherish, the culmination of your efforts.

Obviously it does not feel very rewarding to me, hence my dilemma: should I keep trying and probably fail more often than not, or should I give up and hope that maybe someone else gives it a shot (probably also feeling that (s)he will have to do it because no one else will)?

Something else I've been wondering about is: then what is it that these people do?? Since they never appear to have time. Do they have some secret club of friends I don't know about? Or (more likely) do they just spend time with a select few people who are easiest to meet with (living close by, etc.) so it can be done with minimal effort?

This seems to be the key phrase here: minimal effort. It seems that modern communications are making people lazier than ever. Almost daily I am stunned by how passive and inert people have become. Would it be different without modern communications? I don't know. Walking places for a lack of phones or an Internet connection as opposed to chatting on MSN seems quite active to me, but then again, I use modern communications all day long and I do always reply to invitations (even to say no) and make an effort to keep in touch with people. So maybe it's just natural for most people to be lax, and not bound to these modern times, as I've been suggesting, but if that's so, I think it's amazing humans have ever accomplished anything.

Bureaucracy

It is incredible to observe how we have become entangled in our own rules. They were established to create order, but by now we are long past order: our rules have become a waste of time and money, or, in a word: nonsense. There are so many examples to give from personal experience alone that I could fill a few pages with it. Now, I'm not going to do that, but one recent one may be worth mentioning.

In the Netherlands, the IB Group provides student grants. When you obtain just about any diploma of a three- or four-year course within ten years of starting your studies, you are aquitted of your debts with the IB Group. Should you not obtain a valid diploma within ten years, you have to pay back your student loan. I have been studying for about 6 years and by now I'm doing my third course, and I have two years to go before I'm officially a Bachelor of Translation. I am going to finish this no matter what. Not only because because I want and need this diploma to get ahead in life, but mainly because I have to pay back about € 8000 of student loans if I fail. So I have four more years to obtain my diploma, right?

Right... Only I received a letter from the IB Group saying I needed to start paying back my loan starting 1 January 2011. What?! So I replied saying I called them before I started my current course and that they told me the diploma obtained after completing this course would indeed settle my debts. But it appears I was still somewhat ignorant of the prevailing hypocritical bureaucratic ways of this country, and I didn't get this in writing. Now I cannot prove that they gave me "permission" to start this course. It taught me that you need to be able to prove everything in this wretched society, or...well...you're fucked.

Anyway, in my reply I also asked them to rescind this charge of me needing to start paying back the loan, and I gave them some other relevant information about my school and in what year I would probably obtain my diploma and all. And what do you think happens? It takes them about 2.5 months to reply and in this letter they tell me they'll see about if this diploma will aquit me from my debts and if I can please send them a certified copy.

....Huh? I just told them I had to study for two more years! And now they're asking me to send them the diploma I don't even have yet, which I told them loud and clear. In other words: it took them over 2 months to reply and they didn't even really read my letter, or they wouldn't have sent me this bogus reply.

So I replied once again, generally just expressing my indignation about their ridiculous message (I tried to be nice but it's hard when they're a bunch of lunatics in charge of your financial future) and simply repeating my initial questions. For some reason, this has to be done by mail, as if they haven't yet discovered the benefits of e-mail, which everyone but poor shepherds in countries I know hardly anything about have already found to be one hell of a step forward. So I also gave them my e-mail address again, though this will probably have been in vain.

I am curious as to how this will end. Will they send me a ridiculous letter every 2.5 months that doesn't answer any questions and doesn't help anyone, and thus take a year to resolve this? Or will it take a year without it being resolved, resulting in me having to pay back the € 8000 loan over the next ten years because at the time I didn't yet see the necessity of getting everything down in writing, signed and all, ignorant as I was of our bullshit government?

These are some expensive lessons, it would seem... Or maybe I'll get lucky.

So what is it that's happening? I'll tell you. So many rules were invented that everything needs to be proven, resulting in no one believing each other any more. And even if some employee you're dealing with believes you, this doesn't matter, because without any written proof, you're not going to get anywhere, and this employee is an irrelevant cog in the machine. But mostly it resulted in employees having to observe these rules not caring anymore. They don't give a shit what happens to the guy they're talking to on the phone, who is just a file to them, with problems that "someone else" will have to sort out (pretty obvious loop, though..). And so you get reconnected to six different departments when you call to resolve something (which will probably be about a problem they created by screwing up something or purposely robbing you by including some crazy rule in their general conditions (which no one ever reads, which they know)), costing you a fortune in telephone charges and precious time. And not resolving the issue at hand either.

Et cetera.

I could go on and on about this. But I'm afraid I have to go, because there is this one piece of paper with this one specific number on it that I need to prove something to some company, and since if I can't find it, I'll have to call them and say I lost it, and they will charge me € 13.50 in administration costs. Meaning they will have to think up a new number and give it to me.

Indeed, that is worth € 13.50.