What's most important

Recently I injured my knee so badly I needed surgury. On some days I was just in terrible pain and on others I was also dependent on people to help me, to bring me food and all that. I couldn't walk, couldn't even get a cup of tea, couldn't do much of anything. It reminded me how important health really is.

I then made a mental list of the three things most important to me. Health is first. Without health, you have nothing. Suppose you are successful, but you get paralysed from the waist down. What is it you have left? You can't work, so your success is void. Actually, you can't do much of anything. You are dependent of others to help you, and you need to find a new job you can do. Half of your body is alive, but you are less than half alive. You can continue living, but never again can you live to the full. An adjusted lifestyle is only a inadequate solution born out of need. Bottom line: no matter what you have, most of it doesn't count once your health fails you.

Second: experience. No one can take your experiences from you as long as you live and your mind works. even when your health fails you. You can get robbed of your possessions, people you care about can leave you, but no one can take away your experiences. This makes them the most important possessions you have. One could argue that love is more important, that it gives meaning to life, but if you have experienced love, it is included here. As is friendship, and just about every other thing you have every done or every person you have ever met. Every experience counts, be it a good one or a bad one. Remembering good ones makes you smile and realise you have done things that were great fun, or very meaningful. Remembering bad ones make you a less naïve and more realistic person, and it helps you make the best possible decisions. They will shield you from harm, and prevent you from making the same mistakes once again. Gaining experiences is what you do every day, and the thing that makes you a richer person every day. Bottom line: experiences are the fabric of life, and worth pursuing. You could say that sitting at home every day after work makes you 'poor' if having a wealth of experiences makes you 'rich'. Go out and do things, meet people, and feel alive. You only live once. (And yes, reincarnation is bullshit. Don't wait for it.)

Third: knowledge. You could say this is similar to experience. And it is true that knowledge is accumulated through experience, but it is something different nonetheless. Knowledge is the thing that has propelled us from living in caves to having iPhones. It used to be great when you had food. Now you take it for granted when you have an iPhone. You used to know only the people from your own tribe. Now you communicate with people from all around the world in seconds and you think it's normal. Knowledge is the thing that is accumulated with the generations and the thing that has elevated us above our ancestors. The possibilities in this world of communication seem endless, and technological progress was never so rapid. In a few decades, we could be flying to the stars and colonise the universe. Of course, it could also spell our doom as we destroy our own planet before we can colonize the universe, but hey, we're a bunch of self-destructing creatures, so you couldn't really expect otherwise. Still, even on a personal level knowledge is the third most important thing in my opinion. The more you know, the better decisions you can make. The better you will be at your work. The better you can lead people. The greater the works you can create. It is truly a shame that this knowledge, this wisdom, is lost when a person dies. We ought to think of something that allows us to download our 'knowledge databases'. Until this has been invented, you'd better just write down everything you know that is so invaluable it shouldn't be lost when you die. But doesn't merely writing down your knowledge seem old-fashioned by now?

If your top threes differ, please comment below. I would love to hear other ideas on what you consider to be the most important things in the world. And if you have something better to do than think about that, don't worry about it. It's not the most important thing in the world.

(Un)expected change

Years back, I used to wish for a quiet life in which everything was clear and planned and all that, so that no nasty surprises would come my way and so that, when I woke up, I would know up front what my day would look like (in general) and what I would be doing that night. Hahaha! I so laugh about this now, and can hardly imagine that I was actually once convinced this was the life I most desired, but I do remember.

How I have changed! At the time that I had these thoughts, I could never have imagined this change. But even now, knowing that huge changes can come over you with time - drastic changes even - I have difficulty imagining I could one day wish for this quiet, predictable life again, in which almost everything is predetermined (but it is a real possibility I someday will!). Right now, thinking about such a dull life without surprises makes bile rise up in my throat, followed by a sense of relief that I am not now living this life. As I recently discussed with a friend of mine: when you do the same thing every night after work and you look back on this period years later, you will not be able to distinguish one day from the other, as you didn't do anything worth remembering, did nothing that stood out from the repetitiveness of your existence, and your memories will be a blur. In fact, you will be like the living dead.

No, this bland, uneventful life is not for me. How could I ever have thought differently!? Going through unique new experiences and aquiring new, precious memories are what keep me going, that stoke the oven, so to speak. Because the fact is that I lived a dull life for far too long, and I have a lot of catching up to do after changing so drastically.

This drastic change feels so weird because at any point in your life you (may) feel like you know yourself (though probably not 100%) and see yourself in a certain way, like you are this or you are that, like something static almost. But the way you 'are' is an illusion! Around this very core that is you (some would call this your soul), everything is variable, everything can change. I used to regard this desire of mine to have this stable, predictable life as something that was close to this core, as something that would not, could not, change. Something that made me me. But change it did, and it wasn't the only thing that changed, or that will change. I know this now, and although I expect this change (not changing would be stranger!), there is still, I think, something deeply rooted in the human subconscious that resists change. Because change is scary. And it might not be for the better. *whistles X-Files theme* But I say: if changes find you, embrace them, because they are happening for a reason. You may not be happy with the way you are at the moment, or the way you are living your life.. and you may not even realise it yet.

I used to (want to) plan my life: I wanted a predictable career, a steady girlfriend/wife, eventually grow some children in our garden and die of old age. Now the only thing I want is to just live, and live my life to the fullest, giving in to my desires (though there are limits :)) to enjoy the things I want to enjoy at that time, and wait and see what my life will be like: which girl(s) I will share my life with (I am not yet ready to settle (again) at all - been there, done that...), what career choices I will make, what opportunities will present themselves, which friends I will keep and what friends I will make, etc.
There are things I 'know for certain' though, and this 'certainty' makes me laugh even while writing about it. Because they are not certain. I keep saying that, despite not knowing what to expect from my future, I am 'certain' I don't want any children within five years, and that I am fairly certain I won't want any within ten years. But who knows, within a few years I might just suddenly develop this overwhelming desire to have children, maybe even to have five!

Because ultimately, the only thing you can expect from the future is that it will be not(hing) like you expect.

Starting over

There is a peculiar allure to starting anew. People often think they cannot do so, that they need to remain in their current job, with their current partner or in their current place of residence, that they have bound themself to a place, job or person and that they should stay true to the choice they made long ago. These people will sometimes think about starting over, but decide against it.

Fortunately there are also people with the willpower to start over once they recognise that they desire, or even really need it to be happy. I admire these people. I'm not saying that I only admire people who start over, however: people who somehow remain actually, really happy working in the same place, living in the same place and being with the same partner also earn my respect. They must have somehow found an inner peace to remain happy in this kind of 'static' environment. And this inner peace is what it is all about. It is the reason people seek new beginnings: because these people are not at peace.

So I admire people who take the step to begin anew if they come to recognise that they are not at peace, and that small changes do not really change anything. Whether they quit their job and find a new one better suited for them, regardless if it pays better, as long as they are happy doing that job, or if they move to a different place or even abroad when their 'home' doesn't feel like home any longer, or when they dare to end a relationship that they recognise is no longer good for them.

I myself recognised at some point that I wasn't doing myself any favours staying with my girlfriend at the time (whom I had been together with for nearly 7 years). Even though the relationship provided some kind of stability, I felt I was somehow inhibited by this relationship, that I couldn't do what I wanted, and even that I could never achieve all I desired to in life, that I could not fulfil my dreams while I was with her.

I needed to start over.

It was tremendously difficult at first, and after we broke up, I starting having huge doubts. I wondered if I had thrown away the only thing that was good and solid about my life. But after a time I recognised that this is just because my life was suddenly so very different from what I was used to, I needed some time to adjust and find out what it was what I wanted without the restrictions thrust upon me by this relationship. I am now convinced that most everybody changing their lives, starting over, will go through such a period, albeit briefly. It is what it takes to make this huge change, and it gives you the opportunity to ponder what it is you want now that you are 'free'.

In order to make the change 'complete', I decided to move to a place halfway around the country (though the Netherlands isn't that big :)). Fortunately, as a freelance translator, I could work from home and thus keep my job while moving so far away. (Many people won't have that luxury.) I had recognised that I was sick and tired of the very same environment every day. Nothing seemed to hold any surprises anymore, and I felt there was nothing left to explore, convenient though it may be to know where everything is in your neighbourhood. I needed 'adventure' and, at first, even exploring my new place of residence felt like some kind of quest ;).
(The 'newness' about a place (or job or new love for that matter) fades after a while, though, which could cause some kind of continuous search for new things, to try and keep it all fresh, to prevent life getting dull, but I think I'll write a different blog entry about that sometime.) 

As a gamer, I cannot help but make a comparison to games. When playing an RPG (Role Playing Game for non-gamers) I am essentially taking on a role I will never be able to in real life, for instance being some kind of wizard in a fantasy world. But with every such game I start over many, many times, and I often find the beginning the best part. Your character is then 'fresh', not limited by a previous choice of skills, abilities, gear and affiliations with guilds, for instance (which could be compared to a job in real life, I guess). It can absolutely be fun to play an advanced character, but during my years of gaming it has happened hundreds, if not thousands, of times that I started over, that I somehow needed this fresh start, to do everything exactly as I wanted to. Or because it 'just' feels good to start over, as you then seem to still have endless possibilities before you.

My point is that fresh starts give you the opportunity to forget about your current troubles, whatever they may be, and recant past decisions to do it all over again, and do it better this time, knowing what you know now. I can easily do this in computer games, and this always feels good, but in games you can have a thousand different 'lives' and a thousand different characters. And in real life, there is just you. That's it. I cannot tell you how many times I have wished I could just 'save my life' (as opposed to 'saving my game' ;)), experiment doing things (which could be just about anything) and if it doesn't work out, just 'load my life' again and try something different. Or just 'start a new life' altogether, retaining my experiences and having the ability to start over afresh, being able to make better decisions.
But as you get but one chance to make something of your life, just one chance to reach your goals and fulfil your dreams, it will sometimes, or even occassionally, be necessary to 'start over' in some way, to make sure your life is as you want it to be. And find your inner peace.

And if you feel you are really missing something, really want a change but are scared of the consequences, you should not be afraid, and just do it.

It will open your eyes.