Misplaced expected gratitude

You know what's annoying? When people claim to have done something for you (such as cleaning something) and they expect you to thank them, but they did such a terrible job of it that you have to do it again yourself anyway.

So you have to thank them for doing nothing, while never asking for anything.

Old age II

Eight months ago I wrote that old age terrifies me. Recently I have been thinking about (old) age again. I was thinking how you don't know how old you will get but can only expect at what age you die, and/or at what age you will become so sick or crippled that it will be almost the same as being dead. How do you adjust your life to match these expectations, and this uncertainty? Do you 'spread out' your wishes for life over the better part of 80 years, expecting to reach that age, or do you assume you will die tomorrow and live on the edge? Or something in between? Which leads to the concrete question of how best to live your life.

To me, living each day as if it is your last seems a bit excessive to say the least. Enjoying yourself as much as possible and not loafing about wasting your best years, on the other hand, seems like a good idea. I feel a strong need to do the things I want to do in life in the coming few years, before I possibly die in a freak accident or whatever. As I wrote before, I am afraid that my body will fail me when I am still fairly young. This may happen, I just don't know. I try to take the best possible care of my body in the time I have available for it (exercising, etc.) but still there is the uncertainty. I realised I am living like a man not expecting to live past thirty. Long-term commitments, especially kids, are out of the question. This spring and summer will be dominated by cool outings and activities. Et cetera... What else can I do?

"I am not afraid of death,
but the prospect of a dull life 
frightens me to death."

I can think of nothing worse than planning to do such and such around age X, or postponing activities time and again... and dying before you can do them. What a shame that would be! As illustrated above, the fear of no longer being able to do things that are on my 'wish list' has a huge influence on me. Without this fear I imagine I would be a very different person, perhaps settling down again and taking it easy - spending most of the summer on the balcony or in the garden with a stack of books and not really going anywhere. The idea alone frightens me.

Life is too fragile to be taken for granted, and too beautiful to waste just sitting around.

(Un)expected change

Years back, I used to wish for a quiet life in which everything was clear and planned and all that, so that no nasty surprises would come my way and so that, when I woke up, I would know up front what my day would look like (in general) and what I would be doing that night. Hahaha! I so laugh about this now, and can hardly imagine that I was actually once convinced this was the life I most desired, but I do remember.

How I have changed! At the time that I had these thoughts, I could never have imagined this change. But even now, knowing that huge changes can come over you with time - drastic changes even - I have difficulty imagining I could one day wish for this quiet, predictable life again, in which almost everything is predetermined (but it is a real possibility I someday will!). Right now, thinking about such a dull life without surprises makes bile rise up in my throat, followed by a sense of relief that I am not now living this life. As I recently discussed with a friend of mine: when you do the same thing every night after work and you look back on this period years later, you will not be able to distinguish one day from the other, as you didn't do anything worth remembering, did nothing that stood out from the repetitiveness of your existence, and your memories will be a blur. In fact, you will be like the living dead.

No, this bland, uneventful life is not for me. How could I ever have thought differently!? Going through unique new experiences and aquiring new, precious memories are what keep me going, that stoke the oven, so to speak. Because the fact is that I lived a dull life for far too long, and I have a lot of catching up to do after changing so drastically.

This drastic change feels so weird because at any point in your life you (may) feel like you know yourself (though probably not 100%) and see yourself in a certain way, like you are this or you are that, like something static almost. But the way you 'are' is an illusion! Around this very core that is you (some would call this your soul), everything is variable, everything can change. I used to regard this desire of mine to have this stable, predictable life as something that was close to this core, as something that would not, could not, change. Something that made me me. But change it did, and it wasn't the only thing that changed, or that will change. I know this now, and although I expect this change (not changing would be stranger!), there is still, I think, something deeply rooted in the human subconscious that resists change. Because change is scary. And it might not be for the better. *whistles X-Files theme* But I say: if changes find you, embrace them, because they are happening for a reason. You may not be happy with the way you are at the moment, or the way you are living your life.. and you may not even realise it yet.

I used to (want to) plan my life: I wanted a predictable career, a steady girlfriend/wife, eventually grow some children in our garden and die of old age. Now the only thing I want is to just live, and live my life to the fullest, giving in to my desires (though there are limits :)) to enjoy the things I want to enjoy at that time, and wait and see what my life will be like: which girl(s) I will share my life with (I am not yet ready to settle (again) at all - been there, done that...), what career choices I will make, what opportunities will present themselves, which friends I will keep and what friends I will make, etc.
There are things I 'know for certain' though, and this 'certainty' makes me laugh even while writing about it. Because they are not certain. I keep saying that, despite not knowing what to expect from my future, I am 'certain' I don't want any children within five years, and that I am fairly certain I won't want any within ten years. But who knows, within a few years I might just suddenly develop this overwhelming desire to have children, maybe even to have five!

Because ultimately, the only thing you can expect from the future is that it will be not(hing) like you expect.