A fragile stability

A fragile stability is suddenly shattered
And the world is plunged into darkness
Cold, oppressive, menacing, frightening

A few lonely stars grant me some vision
But will those few be enough for me
To again find a candle to light my way?

Break-ups

Break-ups are always nasty. Those where it is decided in consultation to split up are least so. In all other situations there is a ‘victim’. He or she will either have seen it coming, or not. In all cases, it is difficult, especially for the victim. To quote Michael Crichton: “All major changes are like death. You can’t see to the other side until you are there.” And the end of a relationship (the longer the relationship, the greater the impact) is one of the greatest changes you can experience in your life.

For some, the change, and the sadness associated with it, can feel like dying. The world is suddenly turned upside down, and the future seems uncertain, and perhaps (very) frightening. Indeed, an entirely new future will have to be created. To quote Michael Crichton again: “Life is a series of encounters in which one event may change those that follow in a wholly unpredictable, even devastating way.” A break-up is such a significant event that it can push your life in an entirely different direction.

This new direction may not vary all that much from your previous one, for instance when your convictions and plans for the future are solid and you find a new partner with similar goals to carry them out with. More likely, however, a lot will change, as partners adapt to each other’s wishes, and bring numerous new people into the other’s life, bringing about great internal and external change. Also it is possible you will find a partner very different from the previous one, perhaps even a kind of person you never imagined yourself with, pushing your life into a different direction.

In all cases, the changes are unpredictable. You won’t know, probably won’t have a clue how your life will be changed. For instance, you may not find a suitable new partner for years, and pursue other goals instead (as not having a partner frees up a lot of time), achieving things you would otherwise not have accomplished. Or you may find a partner abroad, eventually causing you to emigrate. But even smaller changes cannot be foreseen.

So seeing to ‘the other side’ is impossible, and in that sense it is like death. But since you are still alive, it can also be seen as a rebirth. You are ‘free’, and can make new choices, which will lead to new paths, and will open up new possibilities. This freedom can give some people new energy, a sense that anything is possible. 
For others, however, this ‘freedom’ is not something to be jubilant about, but rather something that signifies the loss of stability in life; however positive an attitude you may have after a break-up, your stability will be gone, at least for a little while.

This loss of stability has many consequences. It is possible that routine pursuits suddenly fail to hold your attention, seem insignificant. Suddenly there are more important things to deal with, important decisions to make. Hobbies are set aside for the time being, it may be difficult to focus on work, and friendships or other relationships with people in your social circles may become more important, or less so. This is especially true if you shared friends with your ex-partner. They may be loyal to one of the two, and cease to be your friends. Or they may be loyal to both, and unintentionally create tension for a time to come. But the stability of such friendships is undermined in any event. 

In many cases, the just-ex-partners themselves will express the wish to remain friends. In almost none, they will succeed. There is a certain naïveté associated with this. Even through the (probably) intense grief, they will still have feelings for the other (except maybe when the break-up was caused by adultery or some other significant betrayal), and friendship is ‘merely’ one step back from the relationship they had. It somehow is more logical to step back to that level (especially if they were friends before they became lovers) than to lower oneself to being no more than acquaintances, or not even talking to each other anymore. Moreover, often they can’t yet imagine not being in each other’s lives, it having been the most normal thing in the world for years.

So the wish for friendship is often expressed, but after a little while of being apart, one, or both, will realise how annoying he or she found this or that characteristic of the other, or how fed up they actually were with him or her, and so on. Most of the time it is quickly discovered that the problems of the other are no longer one’s own, and this can feel quite liberating. Moreover, the tolerance for the other’s mistakes or annoying habits, which was so self-evident before, will vanish very quickly. As such turbulent times are often fraught with problems, and one or neither of the two are willing to listen to the other’s issues, this will quickly drive a wedge between them. Anger will flare, disappointments are felt, and the wish for friendship will be gone with the wind.

It is a terrible shame it has to happen this way, but except for a fortunate few, friendship after a break-up is impossible. What for me is the most difficult to accept – which sickens me, really – is that a bond between two people, carefully developed over years of time, can be destroyed in a matter of days without the ‘victim’ doing anything terrible to warrant it. People are whimsical (and I say this with disgust), and this is not limited to trivial matters, but indeed extends to emotions such as love. They take decisions with far-reaching consequences for others so lightly that they don’t seem to care how serious they are, or, more, likely, they don’t care.

In the end, the loss of the wish for friendship after a break-up comes with a loss of trust and respect for the other. Any lingering feelings of love for the other are quickly extinguished by the loss of trust and respect, as love cannot exist without them. Ex-partners do not as readily forgive each other any grievances as when they were together, so all it takes is one selfish act, one remark taken the wrong way, one emotional e-mail, one pushy question… you name it. The planned friendship doesn’t stand a chance. 

Having children

At 25, not one long hair on my head is seriously considering having children. These turd-hurling, mightily wailing creatures of myth seem devious opponents requiring a certain experience level to be able to handle. And humble me has have not nearly reached that level. So many more experiences await me before I will be ready for this ordeal, and there seem to be a thousand things that need doing first. Apart from the countless items on my wish list for life, I will need stability: a place of my own, financial security and a degree in translation long overdue. But life takes unexpected turns that destroy your well-laid plans (not that having your whole life planned is something to envy) and due to the huge population of our dear planet, you then have to wait years to get a new apartment - some of the best years of your life spent trekking from one temporary place to another! (I'd better invest in a pair of oxen to pull my cartloads of stuff. Plus they provide milk and make for fine steaks after I'm done with them.) And financial security is kind of handy not just for paying your bills but also for doing all those things that need crossing off the wish list. There is such a monstrous number of things I still want to do in life, many of which require a copious bank account, that it would be impossible or not nearly as much fun to do them while having children.

But hell, I'm still only 25, right? Sure, I spent some of my good years the 'wrong' way (in retrospect), but at least that has made me who I am now, and caused me to have quite well-defined goals in life. There is still time to complete them. But let's get back to these little helpless creatures that poop a lot called children. There seems to be an ever increasing number of people my age, including (old) friends and classmates and such that have them or want them. [spoilers ahead] They appear to desire often getting up in the middle of the night to shuffle around drowsily with a small wailing (and often stinking) creature until it finally stops crying and they can grab a few more hours of sleep before a rough day at work. These creatures stink because they cannot clean up after themselves. In fact, they cannot do much of anything expect cry, sleep and soil themselves. So the people that produced this creature will have to clean up this dirty brown and yellow mess every day, and all this will be their conscious choice. As enigmatic as this behaviour may seem, it is supposed to be rewarding in the end, as - after having taken care of them for years - these creatures will love you for a while and after a period of hating you they will often love you again. You can even do stuff with them later on, like play chess and go mini golfing, as this initial helpless stage only lasts for a few years. (You can even push them on a swing for hours a week, after which they will reward you by crying!) And in this period there is not much you can cross off your wish list: you cannot go on a cool holiday, for example, because you will have to drag this helpless being along with you. Try that while climbing a mountain. (By the way: changing a diaper on a ledge a few thousand feet up in the air would be, like, really really weird, but also like the coolest thing ever.) And you can forget impulsively moving abroad for a couple of years. You will also have to make arrangements with your partner and probably baby sitters and your mom to make sure someone is always watching the child, as it will attempt to kill itself in the most varied and creative ways (drinking toilet cleaner, eating lego, throwing itself in front of cars, etc.) when it is not being watched. (I would too if all I could do was poop in my diaper, cry and crawl around a bit. Well, at least I would be able to piss in my dad's face while he is cleaning up my shit - the proper thank you for performing such a service, right?) [spoiler end]

Although it is perhaps surprising to some people with a desire to have children, having them does not appeal to me much. Perhaps after I cross hundreds more things off my list I will recognise the value of having children, then having sated many of my desires. But perhaps not. So here is the thing: if I don't, I will sort of be compelled to have children anyway. Why? Well, imagine all your friends having children at some point. Then who are you going to do fun shit with? If you have a partner who doesn't want to have any children either, you can do stuff with him/her, but that will get boring. You will need to do all kinds of cool and fun things with various people (friends) to continue to entertain yourself and enjoy your life, right? Well, either that or have children anyway, so you are certain all your time will get sucked up by the suckers and you won't have much time to do anything but work and take care of your kids anyway. Basically, in my view, you give up most of your own life and transfer your hopes and dreams to the new generation. But if you have never had the time or opportunity to chase your own dreams (when having children young - and I consider 25 to be young), it is like you don't live for yourself but for your children, only becoming 'free' again when they move out some 20 years hence. But then you are too old to do much of the stuff on your list. Or you might die of cancer before you get another chance to do the things you want for yourself. I say: live first, chase your dreams, be free to live the way you want to, without too many attachments, and when you have developed yourself, done the (attainable) things you want to, only then consider having children, and 'passing the torch' to the next generation. You will have a story or two for them, as well as wisdom to pass on and the financial security to ensure their well-being (without spoiling them, mind).

And it's not as if there aren't enough people in the world already. How is a person ever going to have a moment of peace in 2300 AD with a projected 9 billion people consuming the planet and filling every nook and cranny that is not Antarctica? Humans are parasites, and they just keep on reproducing. Just listen to Dr House (0:57-1:12):

House: "You have a parasite."
Patient: "Like a tapeworm or something? ...Can you do anything about it?"
H: "Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states."
P: "Illegal?!"
H: "But don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. Name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites."
P: "Playdates?"
H: "It has your eyes."