Break-ups

Break-ups are always nasty. Those where it is decided in consultation to split up are least so. In all other situations there is a ‘victim’. He or she will either have seen it coming, or not. In all cases, it is difficult, especially for the victim. To quote Michael Crichton: “All major changes are like death. You can’t see to the other side until you are there.” And the end of a relationship (the longer the relationship, the greater the impact) is one of the greatest changes you can experience in your life.

For some, the change, and the sadness associated with it, can feel like dying. The world is suddenly turned upside down, and the future seems uncertain, and perhaps (very) frightening. Indeed, an entirely new future will have to be created. To quote Michael Crichton again: “Life is a series of encounters in which one event may change those that follow in a wholly unpredictable, even devastating way.” A break-up is such a significant event that it can push your life in an entirely different direction.

This new direction may not vary all that much from your previous one, for instance when your convictions and plans for the future are solid and you find a new partner with similar goals to carry them out with. More likely, however, a lot will change, as partners adapt to each other’s wishes, and bring numerous new people into the other’s life, bringing about great internal and external change. Also it is possible you will find a partner very different from the previous one, perhaps even a kind of person you never imagined yourself with, pushing your life into a different direction.

In all cases, the changes are unpredictable. You won’t know, probably won’t have a clue how your life will be changed. For instance, you may not find a suitable new partner for years, and pursue other goals instead (as not having a partner frees up a lot of time), achieving things you would otherwise not have accomplished. Or you may find a partner abroad, eventually causing you to emigrate. But even smaller changes cannot be foreseen.

So seeing to ‘the other side’ is impossible, and in that sense it is like death. But since you are still alive, it can also be seen as a rebirth. You are ‘free’, and can make new choices, which will lead to new paths, and will open up new possibilities. This freedom can give some people new energy, a sense that anything is possible. 
For others, however, this ‘freedom’ is not something to be jubilant about, but rather something that signifies the loss of stability in life; however positive an attitude you may have after a break-up, your stability will be gone, at least for a little while.

This loss of stability has many consequences. It is possible that routine pursuits suddenly fail to hold your attention, seem insignificant. Suddenly there are more important things to deal with, important decisions to make. Hobbies are set aside for the time being, it may be difficult to focus on work, and friendships or other relationships with people in your social circles may become more important, or less so. This is especially true if you shared friends with your ex-partner. They may be loyal to one of the two, and cease to be your friends. Or they may be loyal to both, and unintentionally create tension for a time to come. But the stability of such friendships is undermined in any event. 

In many cases, the just-ex-partners themselves will express the wish to remain friends. In almost none, they will succeed. There is a certain naïveté associated with this. Even through the (probably) intense grief, they will still have feelings for the other (except maybe when the break-up was caused by adultery or some other significant betrayal), and friendship is ‘merely’ one step back from the relationship they had. It somehow is more logical to step back to that level (especially if they were friends before they became lovers) than to lower oneself to being no more than acquaintances, or not even talking to each other anymore. Moreover, often they can’t yet imagine not being in each other’s lives, it having been the most normal thing in the world for years.

So the wish for friendship is often expressed, but after a little while of being apart, one, or both, will realise how annoying he or she found this or that characteristic of the other, or how fed up they actually were with him or her, and so on. Most of the time it is quickly discovered that the problems of the other are no longer one’s own, and this can feel quite liberating. Moreover, the tolerance for the other’s mistakes or annoying habits, which was so self-evident before, will vanish very quickly. As such turbulent times are often fraught with problems, and one or neither of the two are willing to listen to the other’s issues, this will quickly drive a wedge between them. Anger will flare, disappointments are felt, and the wish for friendship will be gone with the wind.

It is a terrible shame it has to happen this way, but except for a fortunate few, friendship after a break-up is impossible. What for me is the most difficult to accept – which sickens me, really – is that a bond between two people, carefully developed over years of time, can be destroyed in a matter of days without the ‘victim’ doing anything terrible to warrant it. People are whimsical (and I say this with disgust), and this is not limited to trivial matters, but indeed extends to emotions such as love. They take decisions with far-reaching consequences for others so lightly that they don’t seem to care how serious they are, or, more, likely, they don’t care.

In the end, the loss of the wish for friendship after a break-up comes with a loss of trust and respect for the other. Any lingering feelings of love for the other are quickly extinguished by the loss of trust and respect, as love cannot exist without them. Ex-partners do not as readily forgive each other any grievances as when they were together, so all it takes is one selfish act, one remark taken the wrong way, one emotional e-mail, one pushy question… you name it. The planned friendship doesn’t stand a chance.