Break-ups

Break-ups are always nasty. Those where it is decided in consultation to split up are least so. In all other situations there is a ‘victim’. He or she will either have seen it coming, or not. In all cases, it is difficult, especially for the victim. To quote Michael Crichton: “All major changes are like death. You can’t see to the other side until you are there.” And the end of a relationship (the longer the relationship, the greater the impact) is one of the greatest changes you can experience in your life.

For some, the change, and the sadness associated with it, can feel like dying. The world is suddenly turned upside down, and the future seems uncertain, and perhaps (very) frightening. Indeed, an entirely new future will have to be created. To quote Michael Crichton again: “Life is a series of encounters in which one event may change those that follow in a wholly unpredictable, even devastating way.” A break-up is such a significant event that it can push your life in an entirely different direction.

This new direction may not vary all that much from your previous one, for instance when your convictions and plans for the future are solid and you find a new partner with similar goals to carry them out with. More likely, however, a lot will change, as partners adapt to each other’s wishes, and bring numerous new people into the other’s life, bringing about great internal and external change. Also it is possible you will find a partner very different from the previous one, perhaps even a kind of person you never imagined yourself with, pushing your life into a different direction.

In all cases, the changes are unpredictable. You won’t know, probably won’t have a clue how your life will be changed. For instance, you may not find a suitable new partner for years, and pursue other goals instead (as not having a partner frees up a lot of time), achieving things you would otherwise not have accomplished. Or you may find a partner abroad, eventually causing you to emigrate. But even smaller changes cannot be foreseen.

So seeing to ‘the other side’ is impossible, and in that sense it is like death. But since you are still alive, it can also be seen as a rebirth. You are ‘free’, and can make new choices, which will lead to new paths, and will open up new possibilities. This freedom can give some people new energy, a sense that anything is possible. 
For others, however, this ‘freedom’ is not something to be jubilant about, but rather something that signifies the loss of stability in life; however positive an attitude you may have after a break-up, your stability will be gone, at least for a little while.

This loss of stability has many consequences. It is possible that routine pursuits suddenly fail to hold your attention, seem insignificant. Suddenly there are more important things to deal with, important decisions to make. Hobbies are set aside for the time being, it may be difficult to focus on work, and friendships or other relationships with people in your social circles may become more important, or less so. This is especially true if you shared friends with your ex-partner. They may be loyal to one of the two, and cease to be your friends. Or they may be loyal to both, and unintentionally create tension for a time to come. But the stability of such friendships is undermined in any event. 

In many cases, the just-ex-partners themselves will express the wish to remain friends. In almost none, they will succeed. There is a certain naïveté associated with this. Even through the (probably) intense grief, they will still have feelings for the other (except maybe when the break-up was caused by adultery or some other significant betrayal), and friendship is ‘merely’ one step back from the relationship they had. It somehow is more logical to step back to that level (especially if they were friends before they became lovers) than to lower oneself to being no more than acquaintances, or not even talking to each other anymore. Moreover, often they can’t yet imagine not being in each other’s lives, it having been the most normal thing in the world for years.

So the wish for friendship is often expressed, but after a little while of being apart, one, or both, will realise how annoying he or she found this or that characteristic of the other, or how fed up they actually were with him or her, and so on. Most of the time it is quickly discovered that the problems of the other are no longer one’s own, and this can feel quite liberating. Moreover, the tolerance for the other’s mistakes or annoying habits, which was so self-evident before, will vanish very quickly. As such turbulent times are often fraught with problems, and one or neither of the two are willing to listen to the other’s issues, this will quickly drive a wedge between them. Anger will flare, disappointments are felt, and the wish for friendship will be gone with the wind.

It is a terrible shame it has to happen this way, but except for a fortunate few, friendship after a break-up is impossible. What for me is the most difficult to accept – which sickens me, really – is that a bond between two people, carefully developed over years of time, can be destroyed in a matter of days without the ‘victim’ doing anything terrible to warrant it. People are whimsical (and I say this with disgust), and this is not limited to trivial matters, but indeed extends to emotions such as love. They take decisions with far-reaching consequences for others so lightly that they don’t seem to care how serious they are, or, more, likely, they don’t care.

In the end, the loss of the wish for friendship after a break-up comes with a loss of trust and respect for the other. Any lingering feelings of love for the other are quickly extinguished by the loss of trust and respect, as love cannot exist without them. Ex-partners do not as readily forgive each other any grievances as when they were together, so all it takes is one selfish act, one remark taken the wrong way, one emotional e-mail, one pushy question… you name it. The planned friendship doesn’t stand a chance. 

Memories and regret

In his brilliant novel Sphere, Michael Crichton said: "In a sense, all we consist of is memories. Our personalities are constructed from memories, our lives are organised around memories, and our cultures are built upon the foundation of shared memories that we call history and science."

It goes without saying that we consist of a little bit more than memories, but memories do determine who we are. In fact, everything we go through changes us. You could say that our personalities are sculpted by our experiences, our memories. And, invariably, we will regard some of these memories as bad, or even terrible. Consequently, many of us have regrets. Some people have a lot, and others claim to have none whatsoever. I used to have many, even though I already realised at the time that everything I had done has made me into the person I am today. But I just considered certain things in my past to have been such a waste of time! I asked myself: WHY didn't I realise then that this or that was a waste of time, and WHY didn't I do such and such differently?! The simple answer is: if I hadn't done those things, I would never have realised that I wanted to do those things differently, so I couldn't really have done them differently; I did what I thought was best at the time. So what I should do now is use these insights not to regret past decisions but to make better decisions now. And so I try. But sometimes this is difficult.

Reading Sphere and watching LOST made me wonder about something: would you forget certain things if you could? ...Would you really? It can be an attractive idea for something you consider to be terrible to never have happened. I sometimes think that I would want to forget certain things... things that just continue to occupy my thoughts. Like feeling betrayed by someone. But suppose I forgot this betrayal, I would proceed to make the same 'mistake' again or, rather, I would judge situations similarly as before, and perhaps trust people too easily, or be unprepared for their inevitable betrayal. In fact - sticking with this example - I now expect to be 'betrayed' by most people I meet, in a broad sense. Anticipating this I am attempting to shield myself from the sadness and anger I know I will feel after such a betrayal - anticipating the selfishness and cruelty most people are capable of. I also remind myself not to get too invested in people. If I "can't do without" someone, I am vulnerable, and that person can hurt me a lot. Keeping something of a distance protects me a little bit at least.

Writing this, I feel I sound bitter, but I guess that's preferable to being naïve. Without question, naïve people get hurt in this world - this world full of people who form all kinds of social groups but who choose themselves over others in the end, with the exception of a select few benefactors (you know, like Mother Theresa and stuff :)).

Carl Jung said that there is a shadow side to everyone, a side few people explore, but one that is there nonetheless. I tend to agree. Speaking of myself, no saint, I know I would be capable of terrible things if confronted with a certain situation. For instance, if World War III broke out and we would be faced with a struggle for survival in a lawless wasteland, I would most probably kill when threatened, something inconceivable in our ordered society as it is now. LOST comes to mind again (spoiler season 6!): Ben growing up to be a harmless, geeky history teacher instead of a ruthless manipulator and killer if certain events in the past had been different. (spoiler end) Suppose you had two "timelines" in which you lived your life, two different lives with a major difference occurring in your childhood, I think you could be very different people in the two 'realities', i.e. that you could grow up to be e.g. harmless or ruthless, as circumstances dictate. A more realistic (but horrible) example than the bizarre story in LOST would be: being the sole survivor of a car accident, your parents and siblings dying in front of you. I cannot imagine you growing up to be the same person as when your family had decided to stay at home that day.

What I'm trying to say is that your experiences - which later become memories - definitely have a major impact on who you are. Even when you believe that you have a soul that 'carries' in it the core of your being (I could write another blog entry about this..), your memories largely make you the person you are today. Thus I have realised that regretting things in my past, detesting certain memories, is an utter waste of time and energy. It is still difficult sometimes to see even (no, especially!) negative experiences as things that have made me stronger, wiser, but I continue to remind myself that the present is what matters, and the decisions I make now are borne from the lessons these memories have taught me.

And to enjoy and relish every day ahead of me.