Attachments

At some (unhappy) point in my life, I lacked a sense of purpose. I felt I needed to have something in my life to provide this, and for some reason I then seriously considered having children to 'fill the gap' or void that I felt. I thought that maybe this would give me the purpose I was looking for and give me a reason to get up in the morning.

I cannot imagine that person was me! Ironically, I rediscovered my happiness in my freedom - by being free of (most) attachments, not by creating more of them. And I have never felt better. But how long can I keep this up? At some point most of my friends will be married or at least settled down, or even have children. Will I be this guy who will be alone at 40 (which is better than a 40-year-old virgin in any case! :))? Perhaps. I don't know if I would be sorry for this. Chances are I would still be unable to handle too many commitments, and still unwilling to give up my precious freedom. Time will have to tell.

People tend to make 'permanent' commitments to each other ("I love you 4 evah and evah!"), and I have done so as well. I just don't believe in it anymore. Nothing is permanent, and most everything that is not yet broken will be broken at some point. Especially relationships. And what's even worse is a 'broken' relationship with both members plodding along unhappily instead of searching for happiness elsewhere (and they can certainly find it!). It can be very difficult to break off a relationship you know you are not happy in, especially when you have children. For me that's just another reason not to have them. At least not for a long time.

No, I will stay away from anything too 'permanent' for years to come, I figure. When I was younger I never figured myself for someone who would ever have a fear of commitment, but that only shows how much people can change in only a few short years. Of course, this also means I may go through another radical change (or multiple) in my lifetime, so let me just conclude with: you never know what will happen, so just go with the flow.

Dependence and vulnerability

For years I felt limited, unable to do all the things I wanted, unable to be the person I wanted to be. I don't know why I thought at the time that the relationship I was limited by offered more good stuff than bad, but at least I saw the light at some point.

Ever since I have fiercely been safeguarding my independence. It has become my most valued possession, not to be taken away by anyone. Relationships I have been in over the past fifteen months have allowed me a great degree of independence (while being monogomous, of course), and I would not have it any other way. The moment I feel unable to do the things I want to do, the things that make me happy, and which make me who I am, that's the end of it. Fortunately there are girls who understand this. As it stands, I am very happy in my current relationship, and I've got the best of both worlds: a great girlfriend (who also values her independence), and independence and freedom at the same time.

Even so, one part of being in a happy relationship scares me: the more you love someone, the more difficult it is for you if you lose that person. And being afraid of losing someone makes you vulnerable. Of course, when you're young there is a far greater chance of losing a girlfriend (or boyfriend) because she breaks up with you than losing her because she dies of disease or gets killed in an accident, but it is losing your partner, nonetheless, possibly a great shock.
Last year, my aunt died of cancer. She had been married to my uncle for decades and the man was devastated by her death. Losing her sort of meant his world ended, I guess. I don't know for sure because I haven't even spoken to him since then. However, I hear he spends a lot of time alone and hardly wants to see any people now, so I think it a safe bet that he is truly devastated by the loss. The idea that my life would be 'ruined' by losing one person makes me extremely anxious. It means I would be incredibly vulnerable, and I don't want to be dependent on anyone.

This got me thinking: will I ever settle down with a woman, buy a house together and have kids and all that, or will I be too scared of my resulting vulnerability and dependence? Suppose I had two children and a wife: I would then have tripled the chances of becoming an emotional wreck if some drunken asswipe killed one of them with his car. I am not one to be guided by fear, as that normally takes away a lot of fun from your life, but being dependant on (the well-being of) one person is something that does scare me.
It is like I need to know for myself that I could do without my chosen partner if I had to, for whatever reason, as a means of self-protection or something. Sure, I am able to be in a loving relationship, but it is like I am always prepared for it to end, so I will not be devastated by it if it suddenly does, like my uncle was.
In other words: investing too much in one person out of all the billions of people in this world seems like too great a risk. Just like investing all your money in the stock of only one company is: if that one company suddenly goes bankrupt, you are done for.

Am I seriously comparing women to stocks here? That is not the image I was aiming for ;) but being a careful investor seems to have common ground with being a careful lover, nevertheless. Not too romantic, indeed, but perhaps it is better to aim wide, instead of focusing on this narrow corridor with closed door upon closed door mocking your chosen route in life, even though you may be walking on red carpet for a while?

Friendship, and your worth to others

My ex girlfriend's parents were like a second set of parents to me. In seven years we went through a lot together, and I felt I belonged to their 'inner circle', meaning I was entrusted with family matters and problems hardly anyone knew about. Thus I really felt part of the family. When me and my ex broke up, this wasn't because I had done anything horrible or whatever - it just didn't work out between us anymore. Her parents didn't hate me or anything, and didn't have any reason to. But in the blink of an eye, I no longer was a part of their family, and they never contacted me again. I felt (and still feel, after 15 months) like they only used to be in contact with me because I just happened to be the guy their daughter brought home, not because they also liked me as a person and valued me as someone they could trust. This tells me that - if such an intimate and long relationship can be ended so quickly - your value to others is completely relative to circumstances, and is fleeting. People will discard you as a friend as soon as they feel like it, and it will be like you never had their trust. Therefore I regard all but the longest and steadiest friendships to be fleeting, and I just enjoy them while they last, without expecting too much of those people, knowing people like I do. My being discarded by my 'second parents' only confirmed what I already knew: people are a bunch of individualistic, selfish creatures whose relationships with others are almost without exception institutes of convenience.

I have thought a lot about relationships and friendships over the past year. As I am not the first to do this, and there are numerous quotes to be found from people wiser than me, I would like to comment on the concept of friendship with the help of some of these wise men:


All but the truest of friends will betray you or simply discontinue their relationship with you at some time or other. It is best to anticipate the end of current friendships by making new acquaintances as much as you can, so that new friendships can emerge from them to replace the old:

"If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life,
he will soon find himself left alone."

- Samuel Johnson

Do not trust your 'friends' too much in the first years of your friendship, as your trust will often be betrayed. When you are as certain as can be about the true bond of friendship with another, however, be there for them always, and nourish the relationship like you would nourish your child:

"Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in,
continue firm and constant."

- Socrates

Betrayal will occur. The only question is: will you be stabbed in the back or in the front? The person of value and integrity will not be a coward and confess to you why it is he betrayed you:

"A true friend stabs you in the front."

- Oscar Wilde

True and genuine friendship is one of the most precious things you will ever find in life, and is to be cherished like none other:

"Friendship without self interest is one of the
rare and beautiful things in life."

- James Francis Byrnes

Even though you know you will most likely be betrayed eventually, you need even the friendships you know won't last:

"Without trust, betrayal cannot be. But without trust,
I will have no one but me."

- Hak

Why I would never want to win the lottery

Although the thought will be appealing to most, and many will fantasise about winning the jackpot, I would never want to win the lottery. Money is convenient, but it is not important. At least, having more money than necessary to live in relative comfort isn't (yes, an HD TV is a luxury). Winning the jackpot would change so much about your life, whether you would want it to or not, that these drastic changes could make you very unhappy. They might not, depending on the things you value (basically, the more you value material things, the happier coming into a lot of money will make you, obviously), but I know I would hate it.

To clarify: I am talking about winning a lot of money, like €30 million or something. Winning some money, like €10,000, won't change anything worth mentioning about your life. You will have fewer financial worries, at least for a while, as you won't have to pay as much attention to what you buy as before, fearing to get in the red. This is convenient, and no one will really notice. (They will when you buy a Playstation 3 and they want to play on it.) Winning the jackpot, however, will change everything. For one, I know I would start working less, even after intending not to. But there will come times when I won't feel so good, and on that day I may not do any work, or do less, and do something fun instead. And this will not be a one-time event. Also I would probably make less of an effort to get assignments and all that. Most of this won't happen on a conscious level, but simply knowing in the back of your head that you have nothing to worry about financially would change things, whether you like it or not.

Consequently, for me, working less would result in me having less respect for myself. Buying things without having earned them would also make me respect myself less, and not enjoy the things I have bought. It would take away all the satisfaction of buying something knowing that my hard work has made it possible. Standing on top of a mountain in Norway because my hard work earned me this privilege makes me feel invincible, but travelling the world because I just happened to fill in the right numbers on a piece of paper would feel empty and pointless.

In addition to diminished respect for yourself and decreased satisfaction from otherwise 'great' activities or purchases, relationships with friends and family would deteriorate. It would make you see which people are your true friends and which people seek to profit when they smell money. Suddenly, people you hardly ever talk to would call you to ask you what's up, and finish with a request for some money, because they happen to be in a pickle. What a surprise...

Some people will claim that coming to know your true friends in this manner is a good thing, but I feel it is not. There are many people you can have lots of fun with, even though they may not be there for you when you're really in a lot of trouble. This is irrelevant for the relationship you have with them; after all, how many people can you expect to really be there for you when you're in a bad spot? Not more than a handful, like a few close relatives and one or two really good friends. But that doesn't mean that all the other people you know are total assholes you should not have any contact with. You could have fantastic, memorable nights with them. Nights that make you feel alive and enjoy life. Nights you will not ever forget. But never should you expect all of these people to have your back no matter what, and neither should you cast them out because of it. But it would happen if you were suddenly rich (even though I might take a while), effectively destroying those friendships.

The little changes would come first. People would expect you to pay for all the beer because they are poor students and you have money anyway. You could not really refuse, because if you did, they would think you selfish. And if you started doing these things, you would be the one paying for everything before you knew it. Which is no basis for any friendship. And things would get progressively worse. Friends would resent your ability to go on trips not one of them could pay for. And besides, whom would you go on trips with? If you wanted to go with one of them, you would have to pay for it because they couldn't, and depending on their character they would either feel guilty or exploit you. Or would you suddenly make rich friends and attend parties Paris Hilton would not shy away of? (If you would, please never contact me again.)

No, I would never want to win the lottery. Getting things for free doesn't build character, doesn't build your self-respect, and can make you a lazy, arrogant fool. I will be so much richer earning money through hard work and saving it to do the things I really enjoy. People will (hopefully) respect me for working hard like the rest of them, and I will respect myself. And if you're somehow convinced that coming into millions of euros is not a bad thing at all, ask yourself: how many euros is (self-)respect worth to you?

Trust

There are few more elusive concepts than trust, I feel. I have spent many hours of thought on this concept, especially when I was younger (but it just continues to be so very important, if not vital!). I remember a younger Hak hardly being able to comprehend the tremendous importance of something so utterly intangible yet the thing that defines friendships and (romantic) relationships. It is so difficult to earn, and often so hard to give. It is a crucial factor within any relationship, one that generally elevates close family above friends in terms of 'durability', meaning that friendships will often end within a few years, or even after a few decades, but end they will, almost without a doubt (what percentage of friendships do you think lasts for over 10 years? 10%? 5% Even less? Feel free to comment ;)), whereas the bond of trust between parents or siblings is often so great that opposing parties will reconcile their differences time and again, knowing the other(s) will have their back no matter what. Of course it is in part the blood relation that accounts for this close bond, but if this is the foundation, then trust is built right on top of it.

I think there inescapably comes a time for many people that they feel abandoned by many people who are close to them, be it by friends or colleagues or both, or even by some family members, but then you will generally find that your parents and siblings continue to be the people you can count on, no matter how many times you have professed to choose friends over family (and I am no exception).
On a side note: I think this is one of the big sadnesses of orphans or only children. Orphans will hardly ever have people they can really fall back on, no matter what has happened, no matter what mistakes they have made.

So difficult to earn, and often so hard to give. Extending your trust to someone too easily seems equal to naivete and is often disastrous, as this trust will often be betrayed. At least, my trust has been betrayed (about matters big and small) so many times that I have come to believe it is an inescapable fact of human nature (but don't ever tell me you can't help breaking people's trust "because this is simply human nature"!!). And I have broken people's trust as well, as I am human, but I definitely try my best to do so as little as possible, as there are few things I find more hateful than abusing the trust of people who care about you. Or even abusing the trust of strangers. (Of course, small matters such as agreeing to meet someone but not showing up is also breaking someone's trust. Just to illustrate how easy it is to do so...)

Despite having misplaced trust so many times, I have always (as far as I can remember) tried to give people the benefit of the doubt when meeting them, giving them a reasonable portion of trust to start with. I guess I do this to try and see the good in people, to stay positive, and not become so guarded a person that it becomes very difficult to start friendships and romantic relationships. Because what happens when two people meet who are both so guarded with their trust that they do not dare extend it to the other? Indeed, they would never be able to become friends (unless they change), as friendship is built almost entirely on trust, supported by things you have in common.

So I try to give people the benefit of the doubt when I meet them, and although they will have to earn the greater part of the trust between us, I give some of it freely. (Naturally I don't do this when I 'meet' people who look very untrustworthy to me! This would just make me an utter moron ;).) It is like laying a shallow foundation upon which something beautiful can be built, but one that wouldn't have cost much if even this tiny bit of trust is betrayed (say, accepting a couple of beers from me but intending to never see me again). I feel this is a tiny, intangible investment you need to make to try and build friendships, something that mostly just occurs on a subconscious level (but I wanted to write about it ;)).
I know people who find it difficult to make friends. Maybe the above is something worth considering for those who struggle with this.

That said, I think the best part of any kind of relationship (friendly or romantic) is even the initial phase in which you build up mutual trust, that first period during which you 'lay the foundation', so to speak (so don't be afraid to extend some trust to people you find interesting!). Depending on how much you meet or speak to each other, this may take a month, or a few of them, but this month is often one of the best you will have with that person, in my opinion. I also like it because this person is new to you and since people are curious by nature, it is great to 'figure out' a person, to discover what makes them tick, and to enjoy the things you find out you have in common. But mainly it feels good to earn someone's trust. It makes you feel good about yourself, like you are someone worth trusting, a good person.

The only thing you have to do next is make sure you are indeed worthy of this trust, and not betray it like so many people do way too often...