At some (unhappy) point in my life, I lacked a sense of purpose. I felt I needed to have something in my life to provide this, and for some reason I then seriously considered having children to 'fill the gap' or void that I felt. I thought that maybe this would give me the purpose I was looking for and give me a reason to get up in the morning.
I cannot imagine that person was me! Ironically, I rediscovered my happiness in my freedom - by being free of (most) attachments, not by creating more of them. And I have never felt better. But how long can I keep this up? At some point most of my friends will be married or at least settled down, or even have children. Will I be this guy who will be alone at 40 (which is better than a 40-year-old virgin in any case! :))? Perhaps. I don't know if I would be sorry for this. Chances are I would still be unable to handle too many commitments, and still unwilling to give up my precious freedom. Time will have to tell.
People tend to make 'permanent' commitments to each other ("I love you 4 evah and evah!"), and I have done so as well. I just don't believe in it anymore. Nothing is permanent, and most everything that is not yet broken will be broken at some point. Especially relationships. And what's even worse is a 'broken' relationship with both members plodding along unhappily instead of searching for happiness elsewhere (and they can certainly find it!). It can be very difficult to break off a relationship you know you are not happy in, especially when you have children. For me that's just another reason not to have them. At least not for a long time.
No, I will stay away from anything too 'permanent' for years to come, I figure. When I was younger I never figured myself for someone who would ever have a fear of commitment, but that only shows how much people can change in only a few short years. Of course, this also means I may go through another radical change (or multiple) in my lifetime, so let me just conclude with: you never know what will happen, so just go with the flow.
argh, and i was so determined to be a grandma soon, who is gonna provide me with grandchildren now eh? :P
ReplyDeletePerhaps your youngest will be the first to bear children :P
ReplyDeleteI can't bear children anyway... (get it? :P)
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly my point, a few years ago you never saw yourself as having a fear of commitment, and now here you are. You now can't see yourself settling down in a few years, but maybe that's exactly what will happen. :) You never know, people change alot throughout their lives... There is still hope. ;)
ReplyDeleteNice one! The most important thing is that one remains true to one's feelings and his/her ultimate goal in life. Whatever that goal may be! I'll lend you a book I recently read about finding your ultimate goal and ways you subconsciously prevent yourself from ever achieving it.
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