At some (unhappy) point in my life, I lacked a sense of purpose. I felt I needed to have something in my life to provide this, and for some reason I then seriously considered having children to 'fill the gap' or void that I felt. I thought that maybe this would give me the purpose I was looking for and give me a reason to get up in the morning.
I cannot imagine that person was me! Ironically, I rediscovered my happiness in my freedom - by being free of (most) attachments, not by creating more of them. And I have never felt better. But how long can I keep this up? At some point most of my friends will be married or at least settled down, or even have children. Will I be this guy who will be alone at 40 (which is better than a 40-year-old virgin in any case! :))? Perhaps. I don't know if I would be sorry for this. Chances are I would still be unable to handle too many commitments, and still unwilling to give up my precious freedom. Time will have to tell.
People tend to make 'permanent' commitments to each other ("I love you 4 evah and evah!"), and I have done so as well. I just don't believe in it anymore. Nothing is permanent, and most everything that is not yet broken will be broken at some point. Especially relationships. And what's even worse is a 'broken' relationship with both members plodding along unhappily instead of searching for happiness elsewhere (and they can certainly find it!). It can be very difficult to break off a relationship you know you are not happy in, especially when you have children. For me that's just another reason not to have them. At least not for a long time.
No, I will stay away from anything too 'permanent' for years to come, I figure. When I was younger I never figured myself for someone who would ever have a fear of commitment, but that only shows how much people can change in only a few short years. Of course, this also means I may go through another radical change (or multiple) in my lifetime, so let me just conclude with: you never know what will happen, so just go with the flow.
Showing posts with label independence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label independence. Show all posts
Friday, 1 April 2011
Thursday, 10 February 2011
Working at home II
This blog entry described the numerous advantages of working at home. Unfortunately, there are down sides too. Although they are fewer in number, some are much more serious:
If I get only few job offers in a certain period (like in summer), I don't earn much money. If I get sick (or bust my knee..) and can't work, I don't earn one dime. If I go on holiday, I cannot work and will not earn one dime either. If I move house, I have to wait for the Internet to work (takes about a friggin' month) to be able to do any work whatsoever. If I run into (computer/Internet) problems, no one will fix them for me. And if I get sick for a long time, or break my fingers or something, I am totally fucked.
There are few moments I don't think about work: I never get home from work. If I get a quotation request late at night, I feel obligated to draw one up right away. Unless I am gone for the weekend, I never feel I am truly off work. Clients can call me at any time of day (though I don't always answer in evenings and weekends). I am at home by myself all day long, which can get lonely. I get distracted by personal e-mails and temptations (playing a game for a bit because I can, etc.) numerous times a day. Without a fair amount of discipline, I would hardly get any work done. I have no job security, as it completely depends on the jobs I get, so I never know when I will have how much money (which is quite handy when planning things). I never even know for sure when I will be able to go on holiday.
I have to take care of, and pay for advertising myself. I have to maintain client relations myself. I have to maintain and pay for my website myself. I have to do my own administration and pay my bookkeeper myself. I have to draw up every quotation and invoice myself. I have no colleagues so I have to do everything myself; I can rely on no one but myself. I have to pay for my hardware and software and numerous other things myself. I have to pay the heating and electrical bills myself. I even have to pay for the tea I drink myself instead of getting it from a machine for free.
I'm not even building up any pension (now). So if I get old, I'd better just forget to open my parachute!
Still, I don't know if I could work for a boss... It is like I am addicted to the freedom associated with being self-employed. But I guess there are worse addictions :).
If I get only few job offers in a certain period (like in summer), I don't earn much money. If I get sick (or bust my knee..) and can't work, I don't earn one dime. If I go on holiday, I cannot work and will not earn one dime either. If I move house, I have to wait for the Internet to work (takes about a friggin' month) to be able to do any work whatsoever. If I run into (computer/Internet) problems, no one will fix them for me. And if I get sick for a long time, or break my fingers or something, I am totally fucked.
There are few moments I don't think about work: I never get home from work. If I get a quotation request late at night, I feel obligated to draw one up right away. Unless I am gone for the weekend, I never feel I am truly off work. Clients can call me at any time of day (though I don't always answer in evenings and weekends). I am at home by myself all day long, which can get lonely. I get distracted by personal e-mails and temptations (playing a game for a bit because I can, etc.) numerous times a day. Without a fair amount of discipline, I would hardly get any work done. I have no job security, as it completely depends on the jobs I get, so I never know when I will have how much money (which is quite handy when planning things). I never even know for sure when I will be able to go on holiday.
I have to take care of, and pay for advertising myself. I have to maintain client relations myself. I have to maintain and pay for my website myself. I have to do my own administration and pay my bookkeeper myself. I have to draw up every quotation and invoice myself. I have no colleagues so I have to do everything myself; I can rely on no one but myself. I have to pay for my hardware and software and numerous other things myself. I have to pay the heating and electrical bills myself. I even have to pay for the tea I drink myself instead of getting it from a machine for free.
I'm not even building up any pension (now). So if I get old, I'd better just forget to open my parachute!
Still, I don't know if I could work for a boss... It is like I am addicted to the freedom associated with being self-employed. But I guess there are worse addictions :).
Tuesday, 8 February 2011
Working at home
When I am having a wonderful dream and my alarm goes off, I can snooze my way back into the dream without fear of (serious) consequences. This is only one of the awesome elements of working at home. But this is not all.
I don't have to rush in the morning at ass o'clock to get to work in time. I don't have to drive through rush-hour traffic, eyes drooping with sleep. I don't have to eat bland peanut butter sandwiches - prepared hours before - on set times, and force them down my throat in 15 minutes to get back to work as soon as my short-as-a-leprechaun's-dick break is up. I don't have to rush to empty my bowels in 3 minutes in the morning to get to work in time. I don't have to go through a lot of trouble finding a time that suits me when making appointments with doctors, etc. I don't have to force breakfast down my throat at a time I can hardly eat anything yet. I don't have to get up extra early to get my friggin' back exercises done (at a time when I am hardly energetic) before going to work. I don't even have to do anything on a certain day, if I choose not to.
I can go jogging in the warm afternoon sun instead of after dinner, when in fact all I would want to do is relax from a hard day's work instead of running my ass off. I can get groceries at times supermarkets and bakeries still have fresh food and the shelves are full. I can reply to private e-mails all day long. During a meal I can watch part of a DVD or (youtube) videos, or read something interesting on the Internet. I can work like I am being chased by the devil for two hours and complete a four-hour task in that time, followed by a two-hour gaming session, if I choose to. I can listen to my favourite music all day long - and by that I mean all day long. I can work in my boxers with a big fan on me in summer. I can even work in my striped pyjamas while stinking but not feeling like taking a shower just yet, if I choose to.
No one tells me which jobs to take. No one has me translate dull legal documents. No one is looking over my shoulder all the time, pointing out my mistakes. No one but me decides what I do and when I do it. No one tells me I am working too slow, or too fast*. No one bothers me with inane questions, distracting me from my work. No one even knows what exactly it is I'm doing.
If I don't want to, I don't have to go to bed and try hard to fall asleep at a set time. If I oversleep and don't have time for my exercises before going to work I don't have to sit at work all day with back pains destroying my concentration and ruining my entire day. If I need a break I can at any given moment put my work on hold for fifteen minutes and play a game, take a walk or e-mail a friend. If I feel like crap and I can't concentrate, I can take half a day off to spend watching DVDs in bed (in winter) or in nature in the sun reading a book (in summer), catching up with work in the evening. If I want to get away from it all, I can even go on holiday for a week almost at any given moment if I choose to.
There are down sides too, but just for now, I like to think only of the advantages :). Yes, I can even kid myself into thinking this is a dream job, and it is all good, if I choose to.
*Someone recently told me of being fired for working too fast! What is this world coming to?!
I don't have to rush in the morning at ass o'clock to get to work in time. I don't have to drive through rush-hour traffic, eyes drooping with sleep. I don't have to eat bland peanut butter sandwiches - prepared hours before - on set times, and force them down my throat in 15 minutes to get back to work as soon as my short-as-a-leprechaun's-dick break is up. I don't have to rush to empty my bowels in 3 minutes in the morning to get to work in time. I don't have to go through a lot of trouble finding a time that suits me when making appointments with doctors, etc. I don't have to force breakfast down my throat at a time I can hardly eat anything yet. I don't have to get up extra early to get my friggin' back exercises done (at a time when I am hardly energetic) before going to work. I don't even have to do anything on a certain day, if I choose not to.
I can go jogging in the warm afternoon sun instead of after dinner, when in fact all I would want to do is relax from a hard day's work instead of running my ass off. I can get groceries at times supermarkets and bakeries still have fresh food and the shelves are full. I can reply to private e-mails all day long. During a meal I can watch part of a DVD or (youtube) videos, or read something interesting on the Internet. I can work like I am being chased by the devil for two hours and complete a four-hour task in that time, followed by a two-hour gaming session, if I choose to. I can listen to my favourite music all day long - and by that I mean all day long. I can work in my boxers with a big fan on me in summer. I can even work in my striped pyjamas while stinking but not feeling like taking a shower just yet, if I choose to.
No one tells me which jobs to take. No one has me translate dull legal documents. No one is looking over my shoulder all the time, pointing out my mistakes. No one but me decides what I do and when I do it. No one tells me I am working too slow, or too fast*. No one bothers me with inane questions, distracting me from my work. No one even knows what exactly it is I'm doing.
If I don't want to, I don't have to go to bed and try hard to fall asleep at a set time. If I oversleep and don't have time for my exercises before going to work I don't have to sit at work all day with back pains destroying my concentration and ruining my entire day. If I need a break I can at any given moment put my work on hold for fifteen minutes and play a game, take a walk or e-mail a friend. If I feel like crap and I can't concentrate, I can take half a day off to spend watching DVDs in bed (in winter) or in nature in the sun reading a book (in summer), catching up with work in the evening. If I want to get away from it all, I can even go on holiday for a week almost at any given moment if I choose to.
There are down sides too, but just for now, I like to think only of the advantages :). Yes, I can even kid myself into thinking this is a dream job, and it is all good, if I choose to.
*Someone recently told me of being fired for working too fast! What is this world coming to?!
Friday, 28 January 2011
Dependence and vulnerability
For years I felt limited, unable to do all the things I wanted, unable to be the person I wanted to be. I don't know why I thought at the time that the relationship I was limited by offered more good stuff than bad, but at least I saw the light at some point.
Ever since I have fiercely been safeguarding my independence. It has become my most valued possession, not to be taken away by anyone. Relationships I have been in over the past fifteen months have allowed me a great degree of independence (while being monogomous, of course), and I would not have it any other way. The moment I feel unable to do the things I want to do, the things that make me happy, and which make me who I am, that's the end of it. Fortunately there are girls who understand this. As it stands, I am very happy in my current relationship, and I've got the best of both worlds: a great girlfriend (who also values her independence), and independence and freedom at the same time.
Even so, one part of being in a happy relationship scares me: the more you love someone, the more difficult it is for you if you lose that person. And being afraid of losing someone makes you vulnerable. Of course, when you're young there is a far greater chance of losing a girlfriend (or boyfriend) because she breaks up with you than losing her because she dies of disease or gets killed in an accident, but it is losing your partner, nonetheless, possibly a great shock.
Last year, my aunt died of cancer. She had been married to my uncle for decades and the man was devastated by her death. Losing her sort of meant his world ended, I guess. I don't know for sure because I haven't even spoken to him since then. However, I hear he spends a lot of time alone and hardly wants to see any people now, so I think it a safe bet that he is truly devastated by the loss. The idea that my life would be 'ruined' by losing one person makes me extremely anxious. It means I would be incredibly vulnerable, and I don't want to be dependent on anyone.
This got me thinking: will I ever settle down with a woman, buy a house together and have kids and all that, or will I be too scared of my resulting vulnerability and dependence? Suppose I had two children and a wife: I would then have tripled the chances of becoming an emotional wreck if some drunken asswipe killed one of them with his car. I am not one to be guided by fear, as that normally takes away a lot of fun from your life, but being dependant on (the well-being of) one person is something that does scare me.
It is like I need to know for myself that I could do without my chosen partner if I had to, for whatever reason, as a means of self-protection or something. Sure, I am able to be in a loving relationship, but it is like I am always prepared for it to end, so I will not be devastated by it if it suddenly does, like my uncle was.
In other words: investing too much in one person out of all the billions of people in this world seems like too great a risk. Just like investing all your money in the stock of only one company is: if that one company suddenly goes bankrupt, you are done for.
Am I seriously comparing women to stocks here? That is not the image I was aiming for ;) but being a careful investor seems to have common ground with being a careful lover, nevertheless. Not too romantic, indeed, but perhaps it is better to aim wide, instead of focusing on this narrow corridor with closed door upon closed door mocking your chosen route in life, even though you may be walking on red carpet for a while?
Ever since I have fiercely been safeguarding my independence. It has become my most valued possession, not to be taken away by anyone. Relationships I have been in over the past fifteen months have allowed me a great degree of independence (while being monogomous, of course), and I would not have it any other way. The moment I feel unable to do the things I want to do, the things that make me happy, and which make me who I am, that's the end of it. Fortunately there are girls who understand this. As it stands, I am very happy in my current relationship, and I've got the best of both worlds: a great girlfriend (who also values her independence), and independence and freedom at the same time.
Even so, one part of being in a happy relationship scares me: the more you love someone, the more difficult it is for you if you lose that person. And being afraid of losing someone makes you vulnerable. Of course, when you're young there is a far greater chance of losing a girlfriend (or boyfriend) because she breaks up with you than losing her because she dies of disease or gets killed in an accident, but it is losing your partner, nonetheless, possibly a great shock.
Last year, my aunt died of cancer. She had been married to my uncle for decades and the man was devastated by her death. Losing her sort of meant his world ended, I guess. I don't know for sure because I haven't even spoken to him since then. However, I hear he spends a lot of time alone and hardly wants to see any people now, so I think it a safe bet that he is truly devastated by the loss. The idea that my life would be 'ruined' by losing one person makes me extremely anxious. It means I would be incredibly vulnerable, and I don't want to be dependent on anyone.
This got me thinking: will I ever settle down with a woman, buy a house together and have kids and all that, or will I be too scared of my resulting vulnerability and dependence? Suppose I had two children and a wife: I would then have tripled the chances of becoming an emotional wreck if some drunken asswipe killed one of them with his car. I am not one to be guided by fear, as that normally takes away a lot of fun from your life, but being dependant on (the well-being of) one person is something that does scare me.
It is like I need to know for myself that I could do without my chosen partner if I had to, for whatever reason, as a means of self-protection or something. Sure, I am able to be in a loving relationship, but it is like I am always prepared for it to end, so I will not be devastated by it if it suddenly does, like my uncle was.
In other words: investing too much in one person out of all the billions of people in this world seems like too great a risk. Just like investing all your money in the stock of only one company is: if that one company suddenly goes bankrupt, you are done for.
Am I seriously comparing women to stocks here? That is not the image I was aiming for ;) but being a careful investor seems to have common ground with being a careful lover, nevertheless. Not too romantic, indeed, but perhaps it is better to aim wide, instead of focusing on this narrow corridor with closed door upon closed door mocking your chosen route in life, even though you may be walking on red carpet for a while?
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