If you are a religious fanatic or otherwise sensitive with regard to all matters religious, skip this one.
Oh man, how I hate the church. Don't get me wrong: I'm of the opinion that everyone should be free to pursue whatever it is they like, and if they want to worship something they call 'God' and go to church, they should do so. I hate it, however, when these people 1) preach to people and try to convert them and 2) drag their children to church without them ever having a say in the matter. As it happens, I was dragged to church for the first twelve years of my life. At first I was so young I really didn't know better, but the last few years I had to go there I remember absolutely not wanting to go anymore, I so hated that nonsense. In the end my parents told me I had to come with them until my twelfth birthday. So you can imagine I really liked that particular birthday.
I was recently shown this book about the church I used to go to, having a number of pictures in it of kids making their first Communion. I have no idea if only Catholics do this, because I have never known what the hell its purpose was. When I did this (was made to do it..) I never knew what for, I just knew my parents felt I had to. In any case, it's some kind of ritual, and if I was meant to 'commune' with God or something, it failed utterly. I had to dress up in these moronic clothes and walk through the church with all kinds of people who had nothing better to do than watching this nonsense. In my view they celebrate converting powerless children to their cause because it's just so much harder to convert independent, sensible adults. Maybe that's why these Christians always have so many children...
Apparently, many of these children adopt their parents' beliefs. I don't know why some 'fall for it' and why some don't, but I'm sure as hell glad they didn't convince me there is some kind of higher being who created us and somehow rules the universe. All this seems so utterly ridiculous to me. I mean, jeez, they even think we don't evolve from monkeys! Instead, Adam and Eve were apparently created by God and every human being springs from that source? Seriously?! I can't believe anyone would actually accept this as truth. And why would they believe something this fairy tale-like but not believe in Poseidon ruling the seas or Thor hurling thunderbolts, for instance? I mean, this seems equally far-fetched and ridiculous to me...
Religious people say: "You cannot deny there is something out there because all over the planet people have developed religions. This cannot be a coincidence!" Well, no, it's not a coincidence, because thousands of years ago people didn't understand nature and they saw lightning and this frightened them, so they made up a story about some kind of higher being hurling these lightning bolts. And other peoples recognised the importance of the sun, and decided to revere it as a God. The Aztecs, for example, sacrificed thousands upon thousands of people to please their Sun God, Huitzilopochtli (I googled this :D), hoping (because they couldn't prove it - that's the point) that this would improve their crop yields. Of course, there are many more examples, but it all comes down to the same thing: they couldn't explain certain things and they made up a higher being or beings that explained them. But now, in 2010, we are so far developed that we have explained nearly everything. Hardly anything is unaccounted for. So why, in God's name :P, do people still believe in these fairy tales?! My theory is: they are insecure and feel lost in so big a world and therefore need something bigger, some kind of mysterious leader, to feel safe and guided. They feel they can't do it alone, and feel comforted by the thought that some divine being has a plan for them, and will tell them what to do. Even though he doesn't actually ever do this. Some people will take some random event as a sign from God, but this only reminds me of ancient shamans seeing an omen in every bird that flew over their village... You would expect people to wise up over thousands of years...
Also, they have thought up this concept about heaven and hell. I get it: you scare people into behaving, telling them they will go to hell if they kill somebody, or steal, or whatever. Sometimes, this will work, and I guess it used to be especially effective a couple hundred years ago, but they can't seriously think there is this place under the ground with lava and all that, and a horned devil monster torturing you or something, right? I have heard much better fairy tales than this one. And then there is heaven: so if you behave and you are a good person you will have this amazing afterlife above the clouds? Come on. This is like the biggest joke ever, spun out of control. Rationally they must realise this is complete nonsense, right? They must just be ignoring their common sense and stubbornly believe it anyway because they like the idea so much. Well, as much as I like the idea of having a harem of beautiful women to pleasure me all day long, this is no more than a dream (although there is actually some other religion that believes you will actually get this when you die... does this stupidity never end?), and if they don't recognise it as such, I think they are quite naïve, almost childlike in their beliefs. As if something will become real when they think it hard enough.
And then there is praying. Holding their hands together or folding them, believers 'speak' to God. In fact, they are just mumbling to themselves or thinking words when praying in silence. They think that this being that they made up listens to this, and grants them their wishes. But this doesn't happen. And suppose people prayed for, say, someone who was in a car accident to get better, and he is fixed by a doctor, their prayers have indeed come true, but not because this 'God' figure had anything to do with it. It was because this doctor is good at his job and had modern medicine at his disposal. But they will be like 'Praise the Lord!' How do you suppose this will make the doctor feel? :P
No, I cannot and will not ever understand this behaviour. I am an atheist, and I am very proud of it. It confirms that I am a creature of reason who doesn't fall for ridiculous, fairy tale-like lies openly embraced by people to repress their fear of life and the unknown. I am a realist. Does this make the world a pretty place? No. But at least I face it without any illusions to the contrary.
Monday, 25 October 2010
Wednesday, 20 October 2010
Memories and regret
In his brilliant novel Sphere, Michael Crichton said: "In a sense, all we consist of is memories. Our personalities are constructed from memories, our lives are organised around memories, and our cultures are built upon the foundation of shared memories that we call history and science."
It goes without saying that we consist of a little bit more than memories, but memories do determine who we are. In fact, everything we go through changes us. You could say that our personalities are sculpted by our experiences, our memories. And, invariably, we will regard some of these memories as bad, or even terrible. Consequently, many of us have regrets. Some people have a lot, and others claim to have none whatsoever. I used to have many, even though I already realised at the time that everything I had done has made me into the person I am today. But I just considered certain things in my past to have been such a waste of time! I asked myself: WHY didn't I realise then that this or that was a waste of time, and WHY didn't I do such and such differently?! The simple answer is: if I hadn't done those things, I would never have realised that I wanted to do those things differently, so I couldn't really have done them differently; I did what I thought was best at the time. So what I should do now is use these insights not to regret past decisions but to make better decisions now. And so I try. But sometimes this is difficult.
Reading Sphere and watching LOST made me wonder about something: would you forget certain things if you could? ...Would you really? It can be an attractive idea for something you consider to be terrible to never have happened. I sometimes think that I would want to forget certain things... things that just continue to occupy my thoughts. Like feeling betrayed by someone. But suppose I forgot this betrayal, I would proceed to make the same 'mistake' again or, rather, I would judge situations similarly as before, and perhaps trust people too easily, or be unprepared for their inevitable betrayal. In fact - sticking with this example - I now expect to be 'betrayed' by most people I meet, in a broad sense. Anticipating this I am attempting to shield myself from the sadness and anger I know I will feel after such a betrayal - anticipating the selfishness and cruelty most people are capable of. I also remind myself not to get too invested in people. If I "can't do without" someone, I am vulnerable, and that person can hurt me a lot. Keeping something of a distance protects me a little bit at least.
Writing this, I feel I sound bitter, but I guess that's preferable to being naïve. Without question, naïve people get hurt in this world - this world full of people who form all kinds of social groups but who choose themselves over others in the end, with the exception of a select few benefactors (you know, like Mother Theresa and stuff :)).
Carl Jung said that there is a shadow side to everyone, a side few people explore, but one that is there nonetheless. I tend to agree. Speaking of myself, no saint, I know I would be capable of terrible things if confronted with a certain situation. For instance, if World War III broke out and we would be faced with a struggle for survival in a lawless wasteland, I would most probably kill when threatened, something inconceivable in our ordered society as it is now. LOST comes to mind again (spoiler season 6!): Ben growing up to be a harmless, geeky history teacher instead of a ruthless manipulator and killer if certain events in the past had been different. (spoiler end) Suppose you had two "timelines" in which you lived your life, two different lives with a major difference occurring in your childhood, I think you could be very different people in the two 'realities', i.e. that you could grow up to be e.g. harmless or ruthless, as circumstances dictate. A more realistic (but horrible) example than the bizarre story in LOST would be: being the sole survivor of a car accident, your parents and siblings dying in front of you. I cannot imagine you growing up to be the same person as when your family had decided to stay at home that day.
What I'm trying to say is that your experiences - which later become memories - definitely have a major impact on who you are. Even when you believe that you have a soul that 'carries' in it the core of your being (I could write another blog entry about this..), your memories largely make you the person you are today. Thus I have realised that regretting things in my past, detesting certain memories, is an utter waste of time and energy. It is still difficult sometimes to see even (no, especially!) negative experiences as things that have made me stronger, wiser, but I continue to remind myself that the present is what matters, and the decisions I make now are borne from the lessons these memories have taught me.
And to enjoy and relish every day ahead of me.
It goes without saying that we consist of a little bit more than memories, but memories do determine who we are. In fact, everything we go through changes us. You could say that our personalities are sculpted by our experiences, our memories. And, invariably, we will regard some of these memories as bad, or even terrible. Consequently, many of us have regrets. Some people have a lot, and others claim to have none whatsoever. I used to have many, even though I already realised at the time that everything I had done has made me into the person I am today. But I just considered certain things in my past to have been such a waste of time! I asked myself: WHY didn't I realise then that this or that was a waste of time, and WHY didn't I do such and such differently?! The simple answer is: if I hadn't done those things, I would never have realised that I wanted to do those things differently, so I couldn't really have done them differently; I did what I thought was best at the time. So what I should do now is use these insights not to regret past decisions but to make better decisions now. And so I try. But sometimes this is difficult.
Reading Sphere and watching LOST made me wonder about something: would you forget certain things if you could? ...Would you really? It can be an attractive idea for something you consider to be terrible to never have happened. I sometimes think that I would want to forget certain things... things that just continue to occupy my thoughts. Like feeling betrayed by someone. But suppose I forgot this betrayal, I would proceed to make the same 'mistake' again or, rather, I would judge situations similarly as before, and perhaps trust people too easily, or be unprepared for their inevitable betrayal. In fact - sticking with this example - I now expect to be 'betrayed' by most people I meet, in a broad sense. Anticipating this I am attempting to shield myself from the sadness and anger I know I will feel after such a betrayal - anticipating the selfishness and cruelty most people are capable of. I also remind myself not to get too invested in people. If I "can't do without" someone, I am vulnerable, and that person can hurt me a lot. Keeping something of a distance protects me a little bit at least.
Writing this, I feel I sound bitter, but I guess that's preferable to being naïve. Without question, naïve people get hurt in this world - this world full of people who form all kinds of social groups but who choose themselves over others in the end, with the exception of a select few benefactors (you know, like Mother Theresa and stuff :)).
Carl Jung said that there is a shadow side to everyone, a side few people explore, but one that is there nonetheless. I tend to agree. Speaking of myself, no saint, I know I would be capable of terrible things if confronted with a certain situation. For instance, if World War III broke out and we would be faced with a struggle for survival in a lawless wasteland, I would most probably kill when threatened, something inconceivable in our ordered society as it is now. LOST comes to mind again (spoiler season 6!): Ben growing up to be a harmless, geeky history teacher instead of a ruthless manipulator and killer if certain events in the past had been different. (spoiler end) Suppose you had two "timelines" in which you lived your life, two different lives with a major difference occurring in your childhood, I think you could be very different people in the two 'realities', i.e. that you could grow up to be e.g. harmless or ruthless, as circumstances dictate. A more realistic (but horrible) example than the bizarre story in LOST would be: being the sole survivor of a car accident, your parents and siblings dying in front of you. I cannot imagine you growing up to be the same person as when your family had decided to stay at home that day.
What I'm trying to say is that your experiences - which later become memories - definitely have a major impact on who you are. Even when you believe that you have a soul that 'carries' in it the core of your being (I could write another blog entry about this..), your memories largely make you the person you are today. Thus I have realised that regretting things in my past, detesting certain memories, is an utter waste of time and energy. It is still difficult sometimes to see even (no, especially!) negative experiences as things that have made me stronger, wiser, but I continue to remind myself that the present is what matters, and the decisions I make now are borne from the lessons these memories have taught me.
And to enjoy and relish every day ahead of me.
Tuesday, 7 September 2010
Cowardice and betrayal
Why are there so many cowards in the world? In my experience, it happens too often that someone is too cowardly to just speak his mind. They prefer running, and shunning you, to saying why they are mad at you. And I think it is very sad.
Perhaps it is in part due to the fact that we are living in an Information Age. It is increasingly easy to just block someone online if you live somewhere else, to just cut him off. Suppose you lived in some tiny village in 1000 AD and you were angry with a friend from that village (the villagers being just about the only people you ever saw), you had better just talk to him about it and work it out. But these days, people find it easier to just cut off and block all communications, so they won't have to explain their feelings. I think it would be a sad thing indeed for the human race if these people don't feel any guilt about this cowardly behaviour. But of course, you can't ask them, as they'll just ignore you. I hope they do, though, as it is what they deserve.
I continue to be surprised at the kind of people who pull these stunts, and I still don't see it coming, despite it having happened a number of times. People I trusted, people I called (very) good friends, have cut off all communications with me out of the blue without ever giving me a reason. Asking for one, even demanding one, doesn't help, and I have even once received a reply I would just have to accept not getting a reason for the 'betrayal' (which is what it feels like). This person actually replied to say he refused to tell me! To me this is as cowardly as being a soldier who is too scared to fight and instead lays down in a trench somewhere crying, sucking his thumb and calling for his momma.
I recently had a friend who couldn't stand such practices either, who was as stunned as I was that this happened, that people could display such cowardly behaviour, to show this little loyalty to someone they used to call a good friend and shared many good times with. We talked about this a lot, and I thought she was the last person on earth who would ever do such a thing. But as it happens, she did, and I am flabbergasted by it. If such an outspoken opponent of such things does this, is somehow too afraid to tell me what the hell is up and leaves me wondering what on earth it was that I have done to her without realising it, then just about anyone can do this.
So I have been betrayed by good friends and by someone professing to hate people who do what she did herself. They either started ignoring me outright and pretended I no longer existed, refused to give me a reason for it or did give me a reason (happened only once - does this make this person slightly less pathetic, I wonder?) but never gave me a chance to reply or to defend myself (reminds me of stabbing someone in the back), instead saying that she would block me on all websites and that it would be the last I ever heard of her. And it leaves me wondering if I am somehow a person who is not to be trusted, who does the most horrible of things, who should be hated for all the terrible things he does to people, who deserved all this. But you know, that is simply not true. The people who are too cowardly to speak their minds over some (minor) grievance are to blame, and I rank them among the most pathetic of human beings.
But what to do, then? Should I just not make friends, never trust people, expecting to be betrayed? Of course not. I will have to learn to shrug off these betrayals, as they will continue to occur, I am sure. But it is a difficult thing to do, and at the moment I have great difficulty imagining not caring when this happens. Maybe expecting it will happen anyway will make it hurt less when it does. Or perhaps it is supposed to hurt every time to remind you never to become naïve and trust people too easily.
And these cowards? I hope they will burn in hell.
Perhaps it is in part due to the fact that we are living in an Information Age. It is increasingly easy to just block someone online if you live somewhere else, to just cut him off. Suppose you lived in some tiny village in 1000 AD and you were angry with a friend from that village (the villagers being just about the only people you ever saw), you had better just talk to him about it and work it out. But these days, people find it easier to just cut off and block all communications, so they won't have to explain their feelings. I think it would be a sad thing indeed for the human race if these people don't feel any guilt about this cowardly behaviour. But of course, you can't ask them, as they'll just ignore you. I hope they do, though, as it is what they deserve.
I continue to be surprised at the kind of people who pull these stunts, and I still don't see it coming, despite it having happened a number of times. People I trusted, people I called (very) good friends, have cut off all communications with me out of the blue without ever giving me a reason. Asking for one, even demanding one, doesn't help, and I have even once received a reply I would just have to accept not getting a reason for the 'betrayal' (which is what it feels like). This person actually replied to say he refused to tell me! To me this is as cowardly as being a soldier who is too scared to fight and instead lays down in a trench somewhere crying, sucking his thumb and calling for his momma.
I recently had a friend who couldn't stand such practices either, who was as stunned as I was that this happened, that people could display such cowardly behaviour, to show this little loyalty to someone they used to call a good friend and shared many good times with. We talked about this a lot, and I thought she was the last person on earth who would ever do such a thing. But as it happens, she did, and I am flabbergasted by it. If such an outspoken opponent of such things does this, is somehow too afraid to tell me what the hell is up and leaves me wondering what on earth it was that I have done to her without realising it, then just about anyone can do this.
So I have been betrayed by good friends and by someone professing to hate people who do what she did herself. They either started ignoring me outright and pretended I no longer existed, refused to give me a reason for it or did give me a reason (happened only once - does this make this person slightly less pathetic, I wonder?) but never gave me a chance to reply or to defend myself (reminds me of stabbing someone in the back), instead saying that she would block me on all websites and that it would be the last I ever heard of her. And it leaves me wondering if I am somehow a person who is not to be trusted, who does the most horrible of things, who should be hated for all the terrible things he does to people, who deserved all this. But you know, that is simply not true. The people who are too cowardly to speak their minds over some (minor) grievance are to blame, and I rank them among the most pathetic of human beings.
But what to do, then? Should I just not make friends, never trust people, expecting to be betrayed? Of course not. I will have to learn to shrug off these betrayals, as they will continue to occur, I am sure. But it is a difficult thing to do, and at the moment I have great difficulty imagining not caring when this happens. Maybe expecting it will happen anyway will make it hurt less when it does. Or perhaps it is supposed to hurt every time to remind you never to become naïve and trust people too easily.
And these cowards? I hope they will burn in hell.
Wednesday, 1 September 2010
People are strange
Everyone has something really strange about them. And I mean everyone. Just make an imaginary list of a few people you know well and think of something really weird about all of them. Something you've shaken your head over on occasion, or even countless times, for lack of understanding this. I guarantee you you'll be able to think of something.
Is this bad? Well, a lot of these characteristics are probably unwanted parts of someone's personality, something they can't get rid of (though soms people embrace them as it gives them something to hold on to), but sometimes people don't even realise themselves that this particular thing about them is pretty odd. So essentially I guess you could call them bad. But for one, it is something that makes people as unique as they are - which makes life interesting, so this is good - and second, you have something weird about you too. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, it might be a good idea to start thinking about this, as you may just discover something about yourself. Something you might want to try and change, though this is often difficult.
Are you completely satisfied about yourself? Then congratulations are probably in order, as you have perhaps embraced this strangeness as an integral part of you, something that makes you you, even though you may sometimes find it difficult or annoying. Or perhaps you haven't yet figured out what it is about you that is kind of odd or uncommon. In that event, again: it might be a good idea to start thinking about this.
So am I trying to make you feel bad by "letting you search for something bad about yourself"? No. I am merely suggesting that if you don't know what would be strange about you, pondering this might help you understand yourself better. It won't change the way you are in any case, but self-knowledge is something that is valuable beyond question, and perhaps it will gain you some more :).
I don't expect anyone to comment about what is odd about them, but perhaps you could say whether or not you are aware or something strange about you. That would be interesting to know.
And if it helps, just call it 'exceptional' ;).
Is this bad? Well, a lot of these characteristics are probably unwanted parts of someone's personality, something they can't get rid of (though soms people embrace them as it gives them something to hold on to), but sometimes people don't even realise themselves that this particular thing about them is pretty odd. So essentially I guess you could call them bad. But for one, it is something that makes people as unique as they are - which makes life interesting, so this is good - and second, you have something weird about you too. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, it might be a good idea to start thinking about this, as you may just discover something about yourself. Something you might want to try and change, though this is often difficult.
Are you completely satisfied about yourself? Then congratulations are probably in order, as you have perhaps embraced this strangeness as an integral part of you, something that makes you you, even though you may sometimes find it difficult or annoying. Or perhaps you haven't yet figured out what it is about you that is kind of odd or uncommon. In that event, again: it might be a good idea to start thinking about this.
So am I trying to make you feel bad by "letting you search for something bad about yourself"? No. I am merely suggesting that if you don't know what would be strange about you, pondering this might help you understand yourself better. It won't change the way you are in any case, but self-knowledge is something that is valuable beyond question, and perhaps it will gain you some more :).
I don't expect anyone to comment about what is odd about them, but perhaps you could say whether or not you are aware or something strange about you. That would be interesting to know.
And if it helps, just call it 'exceptional' ;).
Tuesday, 31 August 2010
(Un)expected change
Years back, I used to wish for a quiet life in which everything was clear and planned and all that, so that no nasty surprises would come my way and so that, when I woke up, I would know up front what my day would look like (in general) and what I would be doing that night. Hahaha! I so laugh about this now, and can hardly imagine that I was actually once convinced this was the life I most desired, but I do remember.
How I have changed! At the time that I had these thoughts, I could never have imagined this change. But even now, knowing that huge changes can come over you with time - drastic changes even - I have difficulty imagining I could one day wish for this quiet, predictable life again, in which almost everything is predetermined (but it is a real possibility I someday will!). Right now, thinking about such a dull life without surprises makes bile rise up in my throat, followed by a sense of relief that I am not now living this life. As I recently discussed with a friend of mine: when you do the same thing every night after work and you look back on this period years later, you will not be able to distinguish one day from the other, as you didn't do anything worth remembering, did nothing that stood out from the repetitiveness of your existence, and your memories will be a blur. In fact, you will be like the living dead.
No, this bland, uneventful life is not for me. How could I ever have thought differently!? Going through unique new experiences and aquiring new, precious memories are what keep me going, that stoke the oven, so to speak. Because the fact is that I lived a dull life for far too long, and I have a lot of catching up to do after changing so drastically.
This drastic change feels so weird because at any point in your life you (may) feel like you know yourself (though probably not 100%) and see yourself in a certain way, like you are this or you are that, like something static almost. But the way you 'are' is an illusion! Around this very core that is you (some would call this your soul), everything is variable, everything can change. I used to regard this desire of mine to have this stable, predictable life as something that was close to this core, as something that would not, could not, change. Something that made me me. But change it did, and it wasn't the only thing that changed, or that will change. I know this now, and although I expect this change (not changing would be stranger!), there is still, I think, something deeply rooted in the human subconscious that resists change. Because change is scary. And it might not be for the better. *whistles X-Files theme* But I say: if changes find you, embrace them, because they are happening for a reason. You may not be happy with the way you are at the moment, or the way you are living your life.. and you may not even realise it yet.
I used to (want to) plan my life: I wanted a predictable career, a steady girlfriend/wife, eventually grow some children in our garden and die of old age. Now the only thing I want is to just live, and live my life to the fullest, giving in to my desires (though there are limits :)) to enjoy the things I want to enjoy at that time, and wait and see what my life will be like: which girl(s) I will share my life with (I am not yet ready to settle (again) at all - been there, done that...), what career choices I will make, what opportunities will present themselves, which friends I will keep and what friends I will make, etc.
There are things I 'know for certain' though, and this 'certainty' makes me laugh even while writing about it. Because they are not certain. I keep saying that, despite not knowing what to expect from my future, I am 'certain' I don't want any children within five years, and that I am fairly certain I won't want any within ten years. But who knows, within a few years I might just suddenly develop this overwhelming desire to have children, maybe even to have five!
Because ultimately, the only thing you can expect from the future is that it will be not(hing) like you expect.
How I have changed! At the time that I had these thoughts, I could never have imagined this change. But even now, knowing that huge changes can come over you with time - drastic changes even - I have difficulty imagining I could one day wish for this quiet, predictable life again, in which almost everything is predetermined (but it is a real possibility I someday will!). Right now, thinking about such a dull life without surprises makes bile rise up in my throat, followed by a sense of relief that I am not now living this life. As I recently discussed with a friend of mine: when you do the same thing every night after work and you look back on this period years later, you will not be able to distinguish one day from the other, as you didn't do anything worth remembering, did nothing that stood out from the repetitiveness of your existence, and your memories will be a blur. In fact, you will be like the living dead.
No, this bland, uneventful life is not for me. How could I ever have thought differently!? Going through unique new experiences and aquiring new, precious memories are what keep me going, that stoke the oven, so to speak. Because the fact is that I lived a dull life for far too long, and I have a lot of catching up to do after changing so drastically.
This drastic change feels so weird because at any point in your life you (may) feel like you know yourself (though probably not 100%) and see yourself in a certain way, like you are this or you are that, like something static almost. But the way you 'are' is an illusion! Around this very core that is you (some would call this your soul), everything is variable, everything can change. I used to regard this desire of mine to have this stable, predictable life as something that was close to this core, as something that would not, could not, change. Something that made me me. But change it did, and it wasn't the only thing that changed, or that will change. I know this now, and although I expect this change (not changing would be stranger!), there is still, I think, something deeply rooted in the human subconscious that resists change. Because change is scary. And it might not be for the better. *whistles X-Files theme* But I say: if changes find you, embrace them, because they are happening for a reason. You may not be happy with the way you are at the moment, or the way you are living your life.. and you may not even realise it yet.
I used to (want to) plan my life: I wanted a predictable career, a steady girlfriend/wife, eventually grow some children in our garden and die of old age. Now the only thing I want is to just live, and live my life to the fullest, giving in to my desires (though there are limits :)) to enjoy the things I want to enjoy at that time, and wait and see what my life will be like: which girl(s) I will share my life with (I am not yet ready to settle (again) at all - been there, done that...), what career choices I will make, what opportunities will present themselves, which friends I will keep and what friends I will make, etc.
There are things I 'know for certain' though, and this 'certainty' makes me laugh even while writing about it. Because they are not certain. I keep saying that, despite not knowing what to expect from my future, I am 'certain' I don't want any children within five years, and that I am fairly certain I won't want any within ten years. But who knows, within a few years I might just suddenly develop this overwhelming desire to have children, maybe even to have five!
Because ultimately, the only thing you can expect from the future is that it will be not(hing) like you expect.
Bureaucracy IV
Can anyone tell me why making one change and sending a new bill takes 10-12 weeks? Lord Almighty, it should take them a maximum of 10 minutes! By the time I receive this new bill I will have forgotten what the hell it was about!
Wednesday, 25 August 2010
Bureaucracy III
This bureaucratic society is so full of vultures it continues to sicken me. Only the difference is: vultures usually wait until you're dead to pick you clean...
It seems that companies just take any opportunity they can get to rip your heart out. Or at least empty your pockets with a grin while you stand paralysed. Because most of the time there's really nothing you can do. In 99.9% of cases, it will simply not be worth it to go to court over some random company screwing you over, thinking up bills and having some eeny meeny rule in their general conditions somewhere that says they can do so.
Let me tell you: if anyone gives me a big mouth or insults me, I react. If anyone gets physical with me, I react. I stand up for myself. This way I can continue to respect myself, not letting anyone take advantage of me. But with these companies (the current object of my hatred is the energy company), you never see any of their employees and they just take advantage of people remotely, sending ridiculous bills to the little people while laughing their asses off in their ugly building across the country somewhere, knowing hardly anyone will stand up to them because you just can't. Oh how I wish to just grab a random dude with an energy company jacket on by the collar and throw him across the room, just to have some tangible way of letting my rage play out.
I know many people will say: "Don't get all worked up over it. You can't do anything about it anyway." But if I just bow my head and kneel to these companies, they will have won completely. I guess the "going down fighting" thing appeals to me more, despite the frustration it saturates me with. Still, it would rather be "going down shouting" because I can shout whatever I want, but I cannot fight them, not really. I can try, but it amounts to the same thing every time: it costs me time, energy and (even more) money, and in the end they will have ridiculous safeguards in place that nullify any protests so all will have been in vain. Again.
This is what it all comes down to: the thing I love the most is my freedom. To do whatever I want (within the boundaries of the law), letting no one have a say over me. And the only thing that does is these damn companies. They do have a say over me, and that may just be the most frustrating thing ever.
Monday, 23 August 2010
Materialism
It stuns me how many people hoard all kinds of stuff. I understand buying a few luxury items you really love, but the sheer quantities of "useless" things people buy astonish me. It is like they have too much money on their hands, and they are just eager to put it to use to find some kind of quick satisfaction. Or is it that they think they will feel rich, or feel happy, by having lots of random stuff?
Take coming back from holiday with bags full of souvenirs with hardly any practical applications (and all of them being relatively expensive, as tourists inevitably get ripped off), for instance. This seems the rule rather than the exception (in Western countries at least). People buy them to... do what? Remind themselves they have been there? To show others they have been there? Even though buying one or two souvenirs should be fine, isn't it better to just really enjoy yourself there and fix all the fun things you have done and the beautiful things you have seen into your mind to later revel in the wonderful memories they have produced?
No doubt some people (especially girls ;)) will not agree with what I'm about to say here, but I don't get (extensive) shopping as a goal in itself. Wanting or needing something and setting out to buy it, with that specific goal in mind, seems perfectly logical to me. I can even understand wanting to spoil yourself sometime when you feel down and going shopping for just a little while to buy something you like, or ordering something online and feeling like you're being spoiled when it is delivered and you rip off the packaging like an eager child at his birthday. But just shopping all day long looking to just spend, being eager to spend even, as a hobby, just to buy things, not with any other goal in mind other than to find all sorts of things that catch the eye (mostly clothes where girls are concerned ;)), and to eagerly grab them and haul them home as trophies, only to use them once or twice, or even every once in a while if it was actually a good purchase (yay!)? (Note that only the most disciplined of shoppers ever return home empty handed, by the way ;). They just need to buy something.) Or to have some kind of mental list (or even worse, a real one ;)) of all the things you still want to have in your house to "make it complete", and spending years to work towards this perceived perfection, as if achieving this, and thereby making the house "perfect", would make you happy. What if it burns down? Or if you somehow go bankrupt and lose everything? Or even just imagine yourself without all your material wealth, naked and vulnerable, owning nothing but your skills and memories (your treasures!). What then, are all these things you have accumulated worth?
I must grudgingly admit I have participated in this kind of behaviour (to a certain degree, as I have ever hated shopping all day long!). First when I was young and was cared for anyway, so I could just spend all the money I had on things I fancied. And later when money was abundant, me and my ex-girlfriend paying relatively little rent and having a double income to spend. I fancied DVDs so I bought at least one just about every week, starting a collection which grew and grew. As did my book collection. I thought: these are practical items, since I use them and enjoy them, and not just objects to look at (which I personally find quite a waste of money, since I don't care much for aesthetics). But I was wrong. I did use them (as a girl will wear a certain shirt once and then forget she has it) but I still haven't read most of those books (I cannot read that fast!) and even though I have watched nearly every one of those DVDs, they were also objects "to look at": I had a wall full of DVDs and books, and when I looked over to it, I was pleased to know I had all of that, and when I had visitors, they could also see I had all of that.
Great.
Did I need all this stuff? Of course not. Did it make me happy? Of course not. (Obviously I thought differently at the time.) Would I have bought all of this if I hadn't had excess money to spend? Of course not. I would probably have bought a couple of movies I really loved, and a few of my favourite books. I could have just rented DVDs on occasion, and gotten most of my books at the library, and it would be all right. Buying all of that was pure luxury, and simply unnecessary. I know this now.
I realised this when money started to get more difficult to come by, and I had to make an effort just to be able to pay my bills. I started saving on all kinds of things, mainly on luxurious items I didn't really need. I even started drinking cheap beer ;) (whereas before I was a whiner and would only drink a selection of fine (and more expensive) beers, and I found that I enjoyed these cheap beers, that they weren't as bad as I always believed. I even found that when I had a more expensive beer sometime, I would enjoy it more than I did before, since it used to be "normal" to drink expensive beer, and now it was "special", and thus more enjoyable.
In fact, it doesn't really matter how much money you have, as you will spend the bulk of it regardless of how much you have (except when you're an obsessive and very disciplined saver). When you're all but broke (or living in a Third World country for that matter..), you will (obviously) spend it on the necessities, just to survive. If you have some more money, you will spend some on luxuries, as simple survival isn't all that much fun. If you have even more money, you will buy even more luxuries - things you really don't need - and this process continues practically until you're Bill Gates and cannot think of anything else to buy. Why else would a happy poor man become millionare suddenly feel the urge to buy a fast car and a big house? He used to be happy when he had food and a roof over his head, and suddenly only the best food is good enough, and he "needs" a villa with a swimming pool.
At any given time, people have their eye on something they want to buy as soon as they have the money, regardless of how rich or poor they are, but how you spend this money is what makes the difference. Will you buy loads of random things that catch your fancy and stash your house full of them, or will you spend most of your surplus funds on trips and such to experience as many different things as you can, see as many places as you can to enrich your mind and experience the world as completely as your income allows? Me, I have recognised that most of the things I used to buy didn't actually do anything to make me happy. I now buy only the luxury items I really, really want (and how much more you will appreciate them when you don't have tons!) and spend the money I have left on doing things I enjoy, seeing as many places as I can, experiencing as many things as possible, and preferably sharing these experiences with the people I like and respect the most, as these experiences are all the more valuable when shared with a dear friend, partner or family member.
And in the end, when you are old and shrivelled and looking back on your life, you will know that you have lived your life to the full.
Take coming back from holiday with bags full of souvenirs with hardly any practical applications (and all of them being relatively expensive, as tourists inevitably get ripped off), for instance. This seems the rule rather than the exception (in Western countries at least). People buy them to... do what? Remind themselves they have been there? To show others they have been there? Even though buying one or two souvenirs should be fine, isn't it better to just really enjoy yourself there and fix all the fun things you have done and the beautiful things you have seen into your mind to later revel in the wonderful memories they have produced?
No doubt some people (especially girls ;)) will not agree with what I'm about to say here, but I don't get (extensive) shopping as a goal in itself. Wanting or needing something and setting out to buy it, with that specific goal in mind, seems perfectly logical to me. I can even understand wanting to spoil yourself sometime when you feel down and going shopping for just a little while to buy something you like, or ordering something online and feeling like you're being spoiled when it is delivered and you rip off the packaging like an eager child at his birthday. But just shopping all day long looking to just spend, being eager to spend even, as a hobby, just to buy things, not with any other goal in mind other than to find all sorts of things that catch the eye (mostly clothes where girls are concerned ;)), and to eagerly grab them and haul them home as trophies, only to use them once or twice, or even every once in a while if it was actually a good purchase (yay!)? (Note that only the most disciplined of shoppers ever return home empty handed, by the way ;). They just need to buy something.) Or to have some kind of mental list (or even worse, a real one ;)) of all the things you still want to have in your house to "make it complete", and spending years to work towards this perceived perfection, as if achieving this, and thereby making the house "perfect", would make you happy. What if it burns down? Or if you somehow go bankrupt and lose everything? Or even just imagine yourself without all your material wealth, naked and vulnerable, owning nothing but your skills and memories (your treasures!). What then, are all these things you have accumulated worth?
I must grudgingly admit I have participated in this kind of behaviour (to a certain degree, as I have ever hated shopping all day long!). First when I was young and was cared for anyway, so I could just spend all the money I had on things I fancied. And later when money was abundant, me and my ex-girlfriend paying relatively little rent and having a double income to spend. I fancied DVDs so I bought at least one just about every week, starting a collection which grew and grew. As did my book collection. I thought: these are practical items, since I use them and enjoy them, and not just objects to look at (which I personally find quite a waste of money, since I don't care much for aesthetics). But I was wrong. I did use them (as a girl will wear a certain shirt once and then forget she has it) but I still haven't read most of those books (I cannot read that fast!) and even though I have watched nearly every one of those DVDs, they were also objects "to look at": I had a wall full of DVDs and books, and when I looked over to it, I was pleased to know I had all of that, and when I had visitors, they could also see I had all of that.
Great.
Did I need all this stuff? Of course not. Did it make me happy? Of course not. (Obviously I thought differently at the time.) Would I have bought all of this if I hadn't had excess money to spend? Of course not. I would probably have bought a couple of movies I really loved, and a few of my favourite books. I could have just rented DVDs on occasion, and gotten most of my books at the library, and it would be all right. Buying all of that was pure luxury, and simply unnecessary. I know this now.
I realised this when money started to get more difficult to come by, and I had to make an effort just to be able to pay my bills. I started saving on all kinds of things, mainly on luxurious items I didn't really need. I even started drinking cheap beer ;) (whereas before I was a whiner and would only drink a selection of fine (and more expensive) beers, and I found that I enjoyed these cheap beers, that they weren't as bad as I always believed. I even found that when I had a more expensive beer sometime, I would enjoy it more than I did before, since it used to be "normal" to drink expensive beer, and now it was "special", and thus more enjoyable.
In fact, it doesn't really matter how much money you have, as you will spend the bulk of it regardless of how much you have (except when you're an obsessive and very disciplined saver). When you're all but broke (or living in a Third World country for that matter..), you will (obviously) spend it on the necessities, just to survive. If you have some more money, you will spend some on luxuries, as simple survival isn't all that much fun. If you have even more money, you will buy even more luxuries - things you really don't need - and this process continues practically until you're Bill Gates and cannot think of anything else to buy. Why else would a happy poor man become millionare suddenly feel the urge to buy a fast car and a big house? He used to be happy when he had food and a roof over his head, and suddenly only the best food is good enough, and he "needs" a villa with a swimming pool.
At any given time, people have their eye on something they want to buy as soon as they have the money, regardless of how rich or poor they are, but how you spend this money is what makes the difference. Will you buy loads of random things that catch your fancy and stash your house full of them, or will you spend most of your surplus funds on trips and such to experience as many different things as you can, see as many places as you can to enrich your mind and experience the world as completely as your income allows? Me, I have recognised that most of the things I used to buy didn't actually do anything to make me happy. I now buy only the luxury items I really, really want (and how much more you will appreciate them when you don't have tons!) and spend the money I have left on doing things I enjoy, seeing as many places as I can, experiencing as many things as possible, and preferably sharing these experiences with the people I like and respect the most, as these experiences are all the more valuable when shared with a dear friend, partner or family member.
And in the end, when you are old and shrivelled and looking back on your life, you will know that you have lived your life to the full.
Tuesday, 17 August 2010
Trust
There are few more elusive concepts than trust, I feel. I have spent many hours of thought on this concept, especially when I was younger (but it just continues to be so very important, if not vital!). I remember a younger Hak hardly being able to comprehend the tremendous importance of something so utterly intangible yet the thing that defines friendships and (romantic) relationships. It is so difficult to earn, and often so hard to give. It is a crucial factor within any relationship, one that generally elevates close family above friends in terms of 'durability', meaning that friendships will often end within a few years, or even after a few decades, but end they will, almost without a doubt (what percentage of friendships do you think lasts for over 10 years? 10%? 5% Even less? Feel free to comment ;)), whereas the bond of trust between parents or siblings is often so great that opposing parties will reconcile their differences time and again, knowing the other(s) will have their back no matter what. Of course it is in part the blood relation that accounts for this close bond, but if this is the foundation, then trust is built right on top of it.
I think there inescapably comes a time for many people that they feel abandoned by many people who are close to them, be it by friends or colleagues or both, or even by some family members, but then you will generally find that your parents and siblings continue to be the people you can count on, no matter how many times you have professed to choose friends over family (and I am no exception).
On a side note: I think this is one of the big sadnesses of orphans or only children. Orphans will hardly ever have people they can really fall back on, no matter what has happened, no matter what mistakes they have made.
So difficult to earn, and often so hard to give. Extending your trust to someone too easily seems equal to naivete and is often disastrous, as this trust will often be betrayed. At least, my trust has been betrayed (about matters big and small) so many times that I have come to believe it is an inescapable fact of human nature (but don't ever tell me you can't help breaking people's trust "because this is simply human nature"!!). And I have broken people's trust as well, as I am human, but I definitely try my best to do so as little as possible, as there are few things I find more hateful than abusing the trust of people who care about you. Or even abusing the trust of strangers. (Of course, small matters such as agreeing to meet someone but not showing up is also breaking someone's trust. Just to illustrate how easy it is to do so...)
Despite having misplaced trust so many times, I have always (as far as I can remember) tried to give people the benefit of the doubt when meeting them, giving them a reasonable portion of trust to start with. I guess I do this to try and see the good in people, to stay positive, and not become so guarded a person that it becomes very difficult to start friendships and romantic relationships. Because what happens when two people meet who are both so guarded with their trust that they do not dare extend it to the other? Indeed, they would never be able to become friends (unless they change), as friendship is built almost entirely on trust, supported by things you have in common.
So I try to give people the benefit of the doubt when I meet them, and although they will have to earn the greater part of the trust between us, I give some of it freely. (Naturally I don't do this when I 'meet' people who look very untrustworthy to me! This would just make me an utter moron ;).) It is like laying a shallow foundation upon which something beautiful can be built, but one that wouldn't have cost much if even this tiny bit of trust is betrayed (say, accepting a couple of beers from me but intending to never see me again). I feel this is a tiny, intangible investment you need to make to try and build friendships, something that mostly just occurs on a subconscious level (but I wanted to write about it ;)).
I know people who find it difficult to make friends. Maybe the above is something worth considering for those who struggle with this.
That said, I think the best part of any kind of relationship (friendly or romantic) is even the initial phase in which you build up mutual trust, that first period during which you 'lay the foundation', so to speak (so don't be afraid to extend some trust to people you find interesting!). Depending on how much you meet or speak to each other, this may take a month, or a few of them, but this month is often one of the best you will have with that person, in my opinion. I also like it because this person is new to you and since people are curious by nature, it is great to 'figure out' a person, to discover what makes them tick, and to enjoy the things you find out you have in common. But mainly it feels good to earn someone's trust. It makes you feel good about yourself, like you are someone worth trusting, a good person.
The only thing you have to do next is make sure you are indeed worthy of this trust, and not betray it like so many people do way too often...
I think there inescapably comes a time for many people that they feel abandoned by many people who are close to them, be it by friends or colleagues or both, or even by some family members, but then you will generally find that your parents and siblings continue to be the people you can count on, no matter how many times you have professed to choose friends over family (and I am no exception).
On a side note: I think this is one of the big sadnesses of orphans or only children. Orphans will hardly ever have people they can really fall back on, no matter what has happened, no matter what mistakes they have made.
So difficult to earn, and often so hard to give. Extending your trust to someone too easily seems equal to naivete and is often disastrous, as this trust will often be betrayed. At least, my trust has been betrayed (about matters big and small) so many times that I have come to believe it is an inescapable fact of human nature (but don't ever tell me you can't help breaking people's trust "because this is simply human nature"!!). And I have broken people's trust as well, as I am human, but I definitely try my best to do so as little as possible, as there are few things I find more hateful than abusing the trust of people who care about you. Or even abusing the trust of strangers. (Of course, small matters such as agreeing to meet someone but not showing up is also breaking someone's trust. Just to illustrate how easy it is to do so...)
Despite having misplaced trust so many times, I have always (as far as I can remember) tried to give people the benefit of the doubt when meeting them, giving them a reasonable portion of trust to start with. I guess I do this to try and see the good in people, to stay positive, and not become so guarded a person that it becomes very difficult to start friendships and romantic relationships. Because what happens when two people meet who are both so guarded with their trust that they do not dare extend it to the other? Indeed, they would never be able to become friends (unless they change), as friendship is built almost entirely on trust, supported by things you have in common.
So I try to give people the benefit of the doubt when I meet them, and although they will have to earn the greater part of the trust between us, I give some of it freely. (Naturally I don't do this when I 'meet' people who look very untrustworthy to me! This would just make me an utter moron ;).) It is like laying a shallow foundation upon which something beautiful can be built, but one that wouldn't have cost much if even this tiny bit of trust is betrayed (say, accepting a couple of beers from me but intending to never see me again). I feel this is a tiny, intangible investment you need to make to try and build friendships, something that mostly just occurs on a subconscious level (but I wanted to write about it ;)).
I know people who find it difficult to make friends. Maybe the above is something worth considering for those who struggle with this.
That said, I think the best part of any kind of relationship (friendly or romantic) is even the initial phase in which you build up mutual trust, that first period during which you 'lay the foundation', so to speak (so don't be afraid to extend some trust to people you find interesting!). Depending on how much you meet or speak to each other, this may take a month, or a few of them, but this month is often one of the best you will have with that person, in my opinion. I also like it because this person is new to you and since people are curious by nature, it is great to 'figure out' a person, to discover what makes them tick, and to enjoy the things you find out you have in common. But mainly it feels good to earn someone's trust. It makes you feel good about yourself, like you are someone worth trusting, a good person.
The only thing you have to do next is make sure you are indeed worthy of this trust, and not betray it like so many people do way too often...
Friday, 6 August 2010
Starting over
There is a peculiar allure to starting anew. People often think they cannot do so, that they need to remain in their current job, with their current partner or in their current place of residence, that they have bound themself to a place, job or person and that they should stay true to the choice they made long ago. These people will sometimes think about starting over, but decide against it.
Fortunately there are also people with the willpower to start over once they recognise that they desire, or even really need it to be happy. I admire these people. I'm not saying that I only admire people who start over, however: people who somehow remain actually, really happy working in the same place, living in the same place and being with the same partner also earn my respect. They must have somehow found an inner peace to remain happy in this kind of 'static' environment. And this inner peace is what it is all about. It is the reason people seek new beginnings: because these people are not at peace.
So I admire people who take the step to begin anew if they come to recognise that they are not at peace, and that small changes do not really change anything. Whether they quit their job and find a new one better suited for them, regardless if it pays better, as long as they are happy doing that job, or if they move to a different place or even abroad when their 'home' doesn't feel like home any longer, or when they dare to end a relationship that they recognise is no longer good for them.
I myself recognised at some point that I wasn't doing myself any favours staying with my girlfriend at the time (whom I had been together with for nearly 7 years). Even though the relationship provided some kind of stability, I felt I was somehow inhibited by this relationship, that I couldn't do what I wanted, and even that I could never achieve all I desired to in life, that I could not fulfil my dreams while I was with her.
I needed to start over.
It was tremendously difficult at first, and after we broke up, I starting having huge doubts. I wondered if I had thrown away the only thing that was good and solid about my life. But after a time I recognised that this is just because my life was suddenly so very different from what I was used to, I needed some time to adjust and find out what it was what I wanted without the restrictions thrust upon me by this relationship. I am now convinced that most everybody changing their lives, starting over, will go through such a period, albeit briefly. It is what it takes to make this huge change, and it gives you the opportunity to ponder what it is you want now that you are 'free'.
In order to make the change 'complete', I decided to move to a place halfway around the country (though the Netherlands isn't that big :)). Fortunately, as a freelance translator, I could work from home and thus keep my job while moving so far away. (Many people won't have that luxury.) I had recognised that I was sick and tired of the very same environment every day. Nothing seemed to hold any surprises anymore, and I felt there was nothing left to explore, convenient though it may be to know where everything is in your neighbourhood. I needed 'adventure' and, at first, even exploring my new place of residence felt like some kind of quest ;).
(The 'newness' about a place (or job or new love for that matter) fades after a while, though, which could cause some kind of continuous search for new things, to try and keep it all fresh, to prevent life getting dull, but I think I'll write a different blog entry about that sometime.)
As a gamer, I cannot help but make a comparison to games. When playing an RPG (Role Playing Game for non-gamers) I am essentially taking on a role I will never be able to in real life, for instance being some kind of wizard in a fantasy world. But with every such game I start over many, many times, and I often find the beginning the best part. Your character is then 'fresh', not limited by a previous choice of skills, abilities, gear and affiliations with guilds, for instance (which could be compared to a job in real life, I guess). It can absolutely be fun to play an advanced character, but during my years of gaming it has happened hundreds, if not thousands, of times that I started over, that I somehow needed this fresh start, to do everything exactly as I wanted to. Or because it 'just' feels good to start over, as you then seem to still have endless possibilities before you.
My point is that fresh starts give you the opportunity to forget about your current troubles, whatever they may be, and recant past decisions to do it all over again, and do it better this time, knowing what you know now. I can easily do this in computer games, and this always feels good, but in games you can have a thousand different 'lives' and a thousand different characters. And in real life, there is just you. That's it. I cannot tell you how many times I have wished I could just 'save my life' (as opposed to 'saving my game' ;)), experiment doing things (which could be just about anything) and if it doesn't work out, just 'load my life' again and try something different. Or just 'start a new life' altogether, retaining my experiences and having the ability to start over afresh, being able to make better decisions.
But as you get but one chance to make something of your life, just one chance to reach your goals and fulfil your dreams, it will sometimes, or even occassionally, be necessary to 'start over' in some way, to make sure your life is as you want it to be. And find your inner peace.
And if you feel you are really missing something, really want a change but are scared of the consequences, you should not be afraid, and just do it.
It will open your eyes.
Fortunately there are also people with the willpower to start over once they recognise that they desire, or even really need it to be happy. I admire these people. I'm not saying that I only admire people who start over, however: people who somehow remain actually, really happy working in the same place, living in the same place and being with the same partner also earn my respect. They must have somehow found an inner peace to remain happy in this kind of 'static' environment. And this inner peace is what it is all about. It is the reason people seek new beginnings: because these people are not at peace.
So I admire people who take the step to begin anew if they come to recognise that they are not at peace, and that small changes do not really change anything. Whether they quit their job and find a new one better suited for them, regardless if it pays better, as long as they are happy doing that job, or if they move to a different place or even abroad when their 'home' doesn't feel like home any longer, or when they dare to end a relationship that they recognise is no longer good for them.
I myself recognised at some point that I wasn't doing myself any favours staying with my girlfriend at the time (whom I had been together with for nearly 7 years). Even though the relationship provided some kind of stability, I felt I was somehow inhibited by this relationship, that I couldn't do what I wanted, and even that I could never achieve all I desired to in life, that I could not fulfil my dreams while I was with her.
I needed to start over.
It was tremendously difficult at first, and after we broke up, I starting having huge doubts. I wondered if I had thrown away the only thing that was good and solid about my life. But after a time I recognised that this is just because my life was suddenly so very different from what I was used to, I needed some time to adjust and find out what it was what I wanted without the restrictions thrust upon me by this relationship. I am now convinced that most everybody changing their lives, starting over, will go through such a period, albeit briefly. It is what it takes to make this huge change, and it gives you the opportunity to ponder what it is you want now that you are 'free'.
In order to make the change 'complete', I decided to move to a place halfway around the country (though the Netherlands isn't that big :)). Fortunately, as a freelance translator, I could work from home and thus keep my job while moving so far away. (Many people won't have that luxury.) I had recognised that I was sick and tired of the very same environment every day. Nothing seemed to hold any surprises anymore, and I felt there was nothing left to explore, convenient though it may be to know where everything is in your neighbourhood. I needed 'adventure' and, at first, even exploring my new place of residence felt like some kind of quest ;).
(The 'newness' about a place (or job or new love for that matter) fades after a while, though, which could cause some kind of continuous search for new things, to try and keep it all fresh, to prevent life getting dull, but I think I'll write a different blog entry about that sometime.)
As a gamer, I cannot help but make a comparison to games. When playing an RPG (Role Playing Game for non-gamers) I am essentially taking on a role I will never be able to in real life, for instance being some kind of wizard in a fantasy world. But with every such game I start over many, many times, and I often find the beginning the best part. Your character is then 'fresh', not limited by a previous choice of skills, abilities, gear and affiliations with guilds, for instance (which could be compared to a job in real life, I guess). It can absolutely be fun to play an advanced character, but during my years of gaming it has happened hundreds, if not thousands, of times that I started over, that I somehow needed this fresh start, to do everything exactly as I wanted to. Or because it 'just' feels good to start over, as you then seem to still have endless possibilities before you.
My point is that fresh starts give you the opportunity to forget about your current troubles, whatever they may be, and recant past decisions to do it all over again, and do it better this time, knowing what you know now. I can easily do this in computer games, and this always feels good, but in games you can have a thousand different 'lives' and a thousand different characters. And in real life, there is just you. That's it. I cannot tell you how many times I have wished I could just 'save my life' (as opposed to 'saving my game' ;)), experiment doing things (which could be just about anything) and if it doesn't work out, just 'load my life' again and try something different. Or just 'start a new life' altogether, retaining my experiences and having the ability to start over afresh, being able to make better decisions.
But as you get but one chance to make something of your life, just one chance to reach your goals and fulfil your dreams, it will sometimes, or even occassionally, be necessary to 'start over' in some way, to make sure your life is as you want it to be. And find your inner peace.
And if you feel you are really missing something, really want a change but are scared of the consequences, you should not be afraid, and just do it.
It will open your eyes.
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