Apathy In The Face Of Finality

As I feel the days run out

Again

I ponder what to do with them

Again

The sense of déjà vu is

Overpowering

But the questions remain

To haunt me night and day

Should I finish this one story?

Should I get together with that friend

Just one more time?

Should I leave anything at all behind

In a certain way?

Do I have the strength and the will

To pull off anything like this?

Is there anything still to gain

When the beat of your heart

Might soon cease?

The answers elude me

When the ever-present sense of dread

Accompanying my possibly

Impending demise clearly underlines

The futility of any undertaking,

The fear, never long dormant

Overruling all else

I am alive

But it doesn’t feel this way

I yearn to feel strong

And experience enthusiasm, purpose

But I feel my strength

Has long since fled me

Along with my will

And my humanity

I feel too weak

To do much of anything anymore

And am only getting weaker

By the day,

My only unrelenting desire

To dull my consciousness

Of this meaningless void we call life

And its myriad of cursed problems

Requiring constant attention

Something inside of me even trying to tap

Those long-depleted energy reserves

For some reason

And failing

Naturally

As I wonder

If I will live to see another month

And ponder the questions, disgusted

With life and myself

I drink and spend the following day

Lying around sick and weak

Wasting the hours

That should perhaps feel precious

In their scarcity

And realising that in not deciding

I am already making my choice

As I feel the days run out