I see them all begging . . .
The poor suckers
Begging for work
Dressed up oh so nicely
For the job interview
Nervous, afraid . . . willing
Uncomfortable in clothes they never wear
I look at them and ask myself
Why do they do it?
Oh fuck, please tell me why . . .
Why beg to do something that wearies you
Physically, mentally
Even to do something you hate
Just to live?
Does it mean so much to them, this life?
Do they see something in it so worthwhile
That they will gladly demean themselves;
Submit to a false assessment
By a complete stranger in a suit?
Do they see something in it so worthwhile
That they will all but get down on their knees
To offer their services, their time, their energy,
In fact their very life
Offering ‘yes sir’ and ‘no sir’ . . .
Forgetting themselves?
I look at them and I do not understand
‘You have to do it,’ they say
‘There is no other way’
But there is—do they not see?
Do they ever consider death
As a valid alternative
To what they call life?
Do they truly think they are free
While ‘yes sirring’ five days a week
So they can feed their pets and watch TV?
They give you money
But they take so much more—
Do they not see?
Every day I ask myself
Is there something wrong with them
Or with me?
Should there be something in life
I want so very, very much
That I should offer my sweat
To a company I hate
To bosses I despise?
Hating every goddamn day
Loathing every single movement
Of my arms on their behalf
Doing stupid things that have no value—
At least not to me
Am I to do all this and
Find a woman and
Get married and
A house and
A dog
And a fucking hamster?
Am I to create
A perfect goddamn family?
Am I to create more humans
Hoping that the ones I make
Will be better, wiser, not in constant agony?
Would the ones I’d create not be either
Sheep, imitating the rest of the useless race
Or lost souls like me, despondent, never happy
Wondering how long they’ll last
Trying not to submit to insanity?
Would there be any point at all
To prolonging the illness that is humanity?
The constant questions get to me
And always there is the threat of bankruptcy
As I stand thinking, silently defying
As I sit searching for truth and not working
As I lie awake, always pondering
Do I give up, or do I give them my sweat
And my time and my energy?
Do I even want their filthy money?
. . . cash to prolong the agony?
Raging about life’s futility
The only thing I know is
When you hate, you don’t beg
When you work five days a week at a job you loathe it's no wonder you are in agony. Luckily most people like or even love their jobs, and it's a win-win situation. When you work at a job you really like, you will feel productive and energetic and usefull.
ReplyDelete"Most people like or love their jobs"? Where did you get this? True, many people are 'okay' with what they do, but only because they have accepted that working is necessary to survive. Only rarely does someone truly love their work - they are the lucky ones; the ones who have made their hobby into their job, for instance. And what about the millions who have stupid jobs like working the assembly line, or anything that is dull and which a monkey could almost do for you. Do you think they are happy doing their jobs? They think it is a sacrifice worth making, that's all. Don't you think that 99% of people, given a choice to work or go picnicking or do *whatever* it is they like doing, while still being paid, would choose not to do their work? They realise they need to work to survive, and their survival (somehow) means enough to them to go and do it, and to make the best of it (hence the 'like', which I definitely place between inverted commas), but if they had a choice, they wouldn't do it.
ReplyDeleteI, myself, have never had a job I truly liked. Translating used to be alright, but I would never do it again if money wasn't an issue. And I don't really see why I should make the sacrifice of torturing myself for the greater part of 40 hours a week (there will also be some laughs with colleagues and such, so not 100% of it is bad or anything, but most of it is), just to remain alive.
Feeling useful can only be accomplished if you convince yourself your work truly had meaning. Because nothing HAS meaning in and of itself - humans *give* meaning to things. Without them, everything just *is*. If you invent meaning, then there it is, and you can feel useful. We are all fooling ourselves, and we like it.
It is just that I cannot find meaning where I see none. Which would make my sacrifice useless.
Sure, there are some positive arguments to be given for working, such as feeling energetic as a result, as you said. It is a good side effect of doing something you don't *really* want to do - just like having fun with colleagues can be one - so such things can make it more bearable, but still I don't want to do it, still I do not consider it worth it.
To my reckoning, it comes down to you yourself considering it a worthy sacrifice or not. Most people do. I do not. Is this 'crazy'? To me, torturing myself to simply exist seems more irrational.
Some jobs are definitely more bearable than others, however. Maybe there is a glimmer of hope in finding one that is 'alright', but hope is actually the worst of all evils because it prolongs the agony.
Hope only prolongs your agony untill the agony turns into getting by, which will turn into happiness. Please believe me.
ReplyDeleteSure there are assembly line jobs that are so boring a monkey could do them, but I think the people that work there and at other not so fun jobs, can turn those jobs into alright by a nice work environment and collegues. Of course, work also gets better when you have something in mind you want to do with the money that's worth it.
But I still think the most part of people like their jobs and really don't mind doing them as long as they have to to get by - and just the way it is. I have met some people that really love their work, for example the teachers/researchers at my university. That is truly inspiring. If you could turn your hobby into your work, that would be amazing. It's always worth the shot, right?
With that last sentence you're absolutely wrong, where I'm concerned. When most days are agony, and, therefore, on balance your life is suffering, continuing to try and try and all the while suffering more is not worth it at all. If you feel your life is good, or at least neutral, dreams (and that's what turning your hobby into your job is) are worth pursuing, because most days you're doing so you feel fine; but not if your life is agony, since most days of trying to attain those dreams, almost certainly in vain (that's why they're called 'dreams'), are torture.
ReplyDeleteWork (like or dont like) is money.
ReplyDeleteMoney for bills and thinks you and your familiy wanna do.
This is the circle.
Complaining is easy, making something of your life is not.
Your life is up to you.
If your hard work of trying to pursue your dreams or simply just relieving the agony are in vein, then yes, I can see why you would call it torture. But you don't knów if it will be in vein, all you can do is have faith and give it a real shot. You will never you unless you give it your all. I am begging to to please, please, try it for a few more months. It is never too late to change your life.
ReplyDeleteI have already given my all, over 27 years. I'm still hanging on, for now - for what, I do not know. I do know that I only have faith humanity will destroy itself, and society will most likely get progressively worse until this point.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all. Your start in life itself was not good. For this I blame your parents. When a child is on its own trying to take care of his sisters and don’t know how, because of bad examples. It is wrong and a not a fair start of life.
ReplyDelete27 years you have lived life like a loose projectile without any guiding system. If I had the power to change it, I would bring you into my family so you can see what I mean.
Eefje begging for me to try to change is not the way. Accept the fact that he is how he is. This cannot be changed, the only thing what he can do is to carve hem self. Like a diamond, if you know what I mean. But this is all up to himself.
If I would look threw his eyes and found in everything that it is useless there is no hope for me, only to give up and to leave this place. Just as he tried.
But if you look threw my eyes in his position in life, I would make a paradise for myself. I like the challenge!! Work shitty jobs to earn money if . Always start from the button and move your way up, till I fall to my death. The higher the better.
Thanks for commenting, I appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteJorrin, all I want for him is to be happy and alive. Even if it takes begging, I'll try it. I know it is never too late to change your life and I think that giving up now would be such a waste. All his hard work up to this point will be in vain. Keep holding on and things wíll get better.
ReplyDeleteEverything must pass. Even darknes.
Still, he is right that begging won't make any difference...
ReplyDeleteAlso, living longer means even MORE hard work will have been in vain. Everything you do is in vain. Living is futile. You live, you think, you do, you die. Everyone you influence will die. Everything will die. Nothing lasts, nothing matters.
Eefje, I understand that this is hard for you and your family. If you want to help our brother, begging is not the answer. Begging is a weak sign of hope and just as last resource. You and your family needs to be strong and give him guides to balance his mind. Now he is in war with himself and the outside world. He needs strong allies.
ReplyDeleteThe work that has been done or still comes is never in vain. I don’t agree with your statement that the work will be in vain. Also with Hak’s statement I do not agree.
Work is in vain when it is done not correctly to solve the problem or malfunction. In our eyes we see that Hak is malfunctioning, he dislike our humanity and hates it more and more, so for him the easy chose was to leave it. For us that chose is killing us, so in protection of ourselves we try to stop this in every way we can to prevent it from happening again. So he can stay in our society. And by begging Eefje you show him that you are out of options.
I understand where you're coming from, thank you for your comment.
ReplyDeleteI didn't mean for my ''begging'' to be a sign that I am out of options, because that is not the case. It was only trying to make a point that I will do whatever I have to, I will try ánything because I love him.
I want to help him hold on to life. Because I know it will get better if he keeps holding on, and he could be happy and live a full life with those he loves. And the hurting will end for him without having to hurt other people in the process.