Stupid Modern Caveman

Take out the trash

Do the dishes

Get some groceries

Call that one company

Put an ad online

Clean the bathroom

Translate that one page for that client

It won’t take that long

Just do it

What’s your problem, asshole?

Just get this stupid shit done

I tell myself these things and then

I think I’m going to be sick

And for the thousandth time

I drop down on the couch pathetically

Longing for beer

For any kind of distraction from ‘useful’ activities

For a way not to do all these stupid things

All of which seem impossible tasks

That I postpone time and time again

Bust Your Ass, Or Be Unworthy

For many years I was driven by a need that now sickens me. Day in, day out, for years on end, the only thing in my mind was: work, and work hard, damn you, else you are unworthy. Being self-employed, as I am, you need some kind of motivator, at least, to work hard. To work at all you just need to be hungry, or behind on rent, or bored to tears or something. For many, a boss watching your every move and/or the threat of getting fired if you don’t work hard is their motivator. For some, it is the conviction that their work is important somehow—some kind of invented meaning. Others just like money and luxuries so much they are willing to bust their ass for it. Yet others feel a burning need to develop their skills through work, to become all they can be. Still others just have to think of their family and feel their sense of duty taking over to go and slave away. The only thing that motivated me was the thought that I was unworthy if I didn’t work hard. I felt I could not find acceptance in the world, from my friends and family, if I didn’t do this. The need for acceptance, for respect, overruled everything else, dominated my life. They would know I was worthy if I worked so hard that it made me feel like shit.

The Power of Curiosity

As you feel your curiosity diminish, so do you feel your will to live subside.

Victory and Defeat

For some reason

I am trying . . .

Making an effort

At life

If you can call

This half-assed attempt

Effort

I am looking

For a shitty

Minimum-wage job

A monkey could do

One I know I'd hate

Feeling sick

To my stomach

As I get in the car

Every day

For a couple of bucks

And yet lying

Through my teeth

In the interview

And hating myself for it

To get the damn job